


Stop the World, Please

by Elmer_s_s0cks



Category: Newsies - All Media Types
Genre: :), Angst, Baseball, Fluff, Happy Ending, High School, I swear, Major characters death, Sort Of, alternative universe, dance, relationships, terminal illness, well Worth the read even if someone dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-04-14 15:31:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 44,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14139015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elmer_s_s0cks/pseuds/Elmer_s_s0cks
Summary: ‘You don’t know what you have until it’s gone’Spot Conlon hated that phrase as much as he hated the situation he was in right now.And that was a lot.





	1. Baseball, math, and brotherly disputes

  
“I fucking suck at math.” Spot groaned as Mush put his trey down onto the table.

He peered over Spot’s arm to see the complex maths equations, face melting into a sympathetic look as he sat down next to the shorter boy.   
“It’s not so bad”

Spot looked up and narrowed his eyes; “well we can’t all be in fast track math.”

“What are we complaining about?” Race asked whilst making sure to laugh at Spot’s displeasure.

“Fuck off, Higgins” Spot grumbled. He closed his maths book, but not before Mush had seen the topic and an idea flashed into his head.

“Race! He’s struggling with algebra!” He practically jumped up and down in his seat, making Spot really confused.

“What are you talking about?” Race gritted out, appearing as though he honestly didn’t know what Mush was talking about; but actually knew what he was hinting at....not liking it one bit.

He was thankful when Albert, Romeo, Specs, Jack and Davey walked over to their usuals table, taking their regular seats next to them. But it didn’t stop Mush from talking.

He leaned over and placed a hand on Race’s arm.  
“Come on, Racetrack! He helped Blink with his algebra, and he got an A!”

“That was before Blink decided to cheat and get detention every lunch time for the next week.” Davey piped up, earning an eye roll from Race.

“No, the answer is no.” Race said.

Mush pouted, and Romeo turned to them; he always picked up on other peoples conversations.   
“Why?” He said.

“Because-“

“What are we even talking about? My math grades, or some bitch that Race has got hiding?” Spot snapped.

Romeo put a harsh hand on Race’s shoulder so he wouldn’t stand up and try and punch the day lights out of Spot.

Mush looked between the two, letting out a nervous cough at the tension.   
“No, um...Race has a brother, well, ish...and he’s really good at math.”

“I’m not getting some ten year olds help on my senior year math.” Spot said.

“No, he’s our age.” Mush said.

Now Spot was confused; “then why isn’t he here?”

Spot almost jumped back as everyone on their table looked at him; almost all picking up on the conversation, and realising what they were talking about.

Mush started to speak, but stopped when Race sent him a warning glare.

“Well?” Spot urged again, wanting to know what the hell had everyone so jittery.

Romeo tugged on Race’s arm, and he turned to him and they began whispering at each other.

“No Romeo, Blink was enough. I’m not letting Spot into my house so he can get better maths grades or whatever.” Race started.

“But it’s a good idea. You know how left out he always feels, and god only knows he’s fed up of seeing your ugly mug all the time. You don’t even let us round.” Romeo huffed out the last sentence quietly, he was sort of angry at Race for that one.

“You know why.” Race spat out.

“Um, hello? We reached an agreement or what?” Mush said, waving his hand in front of the two.

“Yep” Romeo perked up. “Spot, Race is gonna take you back to his house today, and help you with your math!”   
He gasped as Race elbowed him in the ribs.   
“Fucker” he mumbled.

Spot raised an eyebrow, but nodded none the less. He was curious as to why Race was so...ashamed? No, that wasn’t the right word. They said he had a brother, sort of...and even though Spot had only been at this school for a few months, he was sure he would have met said ‘brother’; especially since they said he was the same age as them. Maybe he was hot, who knew; obviously not him.

“Don’t get any ideas, Conlon” Race said, frowning at the smirk that Spot hadn’t realised had crept onto his face.

“Sure thing, Higgins” he mock saluted at Race from across the table, smiling when Mush and Romeo let out a small laugh.

Race wasn’t letting up though, too tense in the shoulders and the frown lines on his face persisted.

“I’m going to the auditorium. You coming, Davey?” Race said as he stood up.

David finished his conversation with Jack and stood up to follow him.

“Meet me next to my car after school, don’t be late.” Race said to Spot, sending him a pointed glare.

Spot put his hands up in mock surrender, secretly hoping that Race would lighten up.   
_____________________________________________

Spot hated that the school corridors became so packed at the end of the day. He was used to small spaces and chaos, but ever since he moved in with Jack, he enjoyed his own space and freedom.   
So now, school made him slightly anxious, and he couldn’t wait to get home...but he remembered he was supposed to meet Racetrack.   
He rolled his eyes, hoping that Race’s mood had lifted from earlier this afternoon.

He was stopped suddenly on his way, a familiar hand on his shoulder.

“So Spottie boy, you still going to Race’s?” Jack grinned when Spot shrugged him off.

“Obviously....no getting out of this one.” Spot said.

He stopped walking when he realised that Jack was stood next to some lockers, looking at him.

“What?” He shrugged.

Jack just sighed; “Drop the asshole act. I know you and Race argue a lot, but he’s actually a great guy....and he just worries a lot”

“About what?” Spot asked. If there was anyone that he could get information out of, it would be Jack.

“Just that, Elmer’s sick and Race’s parents don’t let any of their kids friends round because of viruses and shit like that. Kid hasn’t been to school for a year.”   
Jack cursed himself when he noticed Spot’s smirk and he realised he had slipped up.  
“Oh my god, please don’t tell Race I just said that!”

“No problems Jackass; so a sick kid is gonna teach me math?” Spot said.

“Hey! He’s a genius, lemme tell you! He homeschools himself, and emails teachers when he gets stuck. He’s in fast track for everything!” Jack was passionate about this topic; knowing that Elmer was more than capable of succeeding in anything he wanted to.

“Okay, Okay. Does Davey have some competition?” Spot snickered and laughed harder at the blush rising up Jack’s neck.

“No! I-me and Davey aren’t...oh god, okay! Not everything is a joke, Spot! And you can’t make a move on Elmer!” Jack shouted, trying to defend his dignity.

Spot tended to roll his eyes a lot around Jack, and he found himself doing it right now.  
“Not gonna get laid with a sick kid, am I?”

Jack let out a frustrated growl, he was always easily wound up by Spot.

“I’m kidding.” Spot drawled out, and he began to walk out of school to meet Racetrack, laughing quietly to himself when he felt Jack’s eyes on him; trying to work out what he was planning.  
Even though this time, Spot wasn’t planning anything, he just needed better maths grades.  
He wasn’t going to end up like his parents....he actually wanted to graduate and make a living for himself.   
_____________________________________________

“How was detention?” Mush asked.

He and Blink were lying on the back of the school field, watching the school baseball team practice. Mush usually watched alone when Blink and Elmer played. He sighed at that, remembering easier days.

“Blink?” He sat up slightly, looking at Blink who was laying down and watching the clouds role by.

“Do you remember that time in fifth grade? Where Elmer hit a home run and we won that game, but then we had to rush off to Race’s dance recital. And we met Romeo and Specs, and then Albert.” Blink said.

Mush smiled at the memory; the seven of them had become inseparable. And they had met Jack and Davey in high school, and then recently met Spot a few months ago.   
It was like they had swapped a few of their cards along the way, but they were all still here.

“Yeah, I remember” Mush said. He moved backwards slightly as Blink sat up.

“And do you remember that stupid pact we all made? Spit hand shakes and everything.” Blink looked at Mush seriously, and he frowned slightly.

“Yeah. No one gets left behind. We were just kids, Blink” Mush said.

Blink sighed and wiped at his brow, sparing a glance at the baseball team.  
“Yeah, I know. But then why do I feel so bad about El?”

Mush was taken back by that, seen as though Blink had seen Elmer last week; and had spent that week getting his math grades up.   
“What do you mean?” He asked, putting a hand on Blink’s back.

“It’s just, none of us go round and see him that much...and now Race is letting Spot go over? He doesn’t even know the guy.” Blink said.   
He looked longingly at the baseball field, missing how he and Elmer would run freely amongst their team.

“So what you’re saying is that you miss Elmer, and you want to play baseball with him again?” Mush smiled at how serious Blink had made this conversation, when he knew exactly what he wanted.

“How’d you know?” Blink laughed slightly, wrapping his arms around Mush and whispering; “am I that predictable?”

Mush laughed and pushed him off of him.  
“No, you’re just you”

And they smiled at each other, knowing that everything would be okay eventually. It had to be.   
_____________________________________________

The sun was pretty bright, and Spot had to shield his eyes to look around the car park for Racetrack.  
He spotted the silver BMW and whistled slightly to himself. He knew that Race’s family were loaded, but he wouldn’t have thought his old man would have gotten him an expensive car. Everyone always said that Mr Higgins was hard headed.

“You just gonna stare or get in?” Racetrack said loudly, smirking when some of the other students gazed at his car as well.

“Alright, Higgins, Keep your wig on.” Spot quipped back, easily sliding into the passenger seat.  
“Love that new car smell” he said.

Race rolled his eyes, this time with a trace of a smile on his face.

“So......you got a brother?” Spot started, glancing at Racetrack before awkwardly staring out of the front window.

Race put his head against the steering wheel, talking a deep breath before sitting back up.  
“I guess. My parents adopted him when he was about three, I think. I don’t remember since we were both so little. It’s like he’s basically always been there.”

“Doesn’t seem like your parents would be the type to adopt....” Spot said. He idly picked at his fingers, looking down in his lap.  
He didn’t know why he was asking these questions, and he expected Racetrack to just shut down on him and not say anything; so Spot was surprised when he replied.

“Yeah well, my mom always wanted to adopt I guess; save one person’s life or some shit, so they adopted Elmer. Then they had my two other sisters....so to them, El’s always been there.” Race explained, and Spot watched him smile whenever he said Elmer’s name.

He didn’t even know him, and already Spot wanted to be his friend. God, it was like he was in second grade or something. It wasn’t like him to be nice and all ‘oh yeah, that’s so great’, so Spot reacted the only way he knew how;

“That’s so sad” Spot said.

Race narrowed his eyes at him.   
“You’re such an asshole.”   
He started the car and they drove; the car ride being awkward and silent.

Spot was thankful when they pulled up in the drive way of Race’s house. He’d never been there before, and he didn’t know what he expected, but he was right in expecting that it was a large house.  
Race switched the engine off and turned towards Spot.

“Have you been in contact with anyone who’s had chickenpox, or measles?” He asked.

Spot looked at him with a confused expression, and he jerked when Race slapped his arm.

“I’ve gotta ask, so just answer truthfully you dick.”   
Race dipped his head slightly, hiding the brief smile that found its way onto his lips.

“No, I haven’t.” Spot said.

“Have you had the flu recently? Or like, any other kind of fucking illness that could fuck this good streak up?” Race asked. His hands tensed where he held the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white.

“No and no. Are you done pretty much hyperventilating now? Jesus, anyone would think you had found me trying to smuggle a bomb across the boarder.” Spot joked.

“That’s not funny.” Race said promptly, and he got out of the car, waiting for Spot to do the same.

They walked up to the front door, and Race paused before he pushed his keys into the lock, pushing the large wooden door open.   
He shut the door behind them, hearing Spot gasp slightly as he took in the large hallway and the spiralling staircase...and oh shit, was that a chandelier?

“Please don’t marry my house.” Race said beside him.

“What the fuck?”

“Blink said last week that he wanted to marry my house, and I never thought that Mush would get jealous of a house.” Race said, laughing at Spot’s weirded out expression.

A dog came bounding up through the hallway and jumped up at Race.

“Hey Buddy!” He said, eagerly scratching behind the Labrador’s ears.

Spot flinched when Buddy sniffed at him...he’d never been very fond of dogs, or cats for that matter.   
He heard Race laugh at him, noticing how uncomfortable he looked.

“Fuck you.” Spot said.

Race rolled his eyes for what must have been the hundredth time that day. He leaned down and patted at Buddy’s head.  
“Where’s Elmer, Buddy? Huh? Go find him!”

Buddy ran off down the hallway, and Race and Spot followed him into the kitchen and out the french doors round the back.  
“Shit.” Race mumbled. “Elmer!” He shouted.

Elmer jumped and turned around from where he was stood with a baseball bat. He was wearing his team’s cap, and shirt; even had the knee-pads under his trousers.

“What the hell are you doing?” Race said; he was trying not freak out, but he swore every time he looked at Elmer he was scared he was going to break.

“Nothing, Racer” Elmer said sheepishly.

“I got it! I got it!” Albert called from up in the small-ish tree.

“Albert! What the fuck are you doing here!?” Race looked up into the tree and raised his eyebrows, his eyes opening up. He whipped his head to look at Elmer who shrugged, scratching at the back of his head like he had no idea why Albert was here.

Albert jumped down and threw the baseball to Elmer, who stumbled slightly when he caught it; not as fast as he once was. He leant heavily on the baseball bat, still beaming.

“Oh, right. I told El id help him practice” Albert said.

“I didn’t know this!” Race looked at Elmer again, “you know mom and dad would freak if they knew you’d let Albert round without telling them!”

“What? And you can just bring Blink around whenever, just so I can boost his fucking math grade up!?” Elmer yelled back, coughing slightly at the end.

Race became worried at that, lowering his voice; “just, you know what they’re like....and we’re lucky they didn’t know about Blink.”

Albert and Elmer just looked at each other.  
“What?” Race asked.

“That why you brought Spot around?” Albert said, waving slightly at Spot.

“Who?” Elmer turned around and did a double take when he saw Spot stood behind him.   
“Jesus!” He jumped.

“No, just Spot, thanks” Spot said.

“You gave me a heart attack!” Elmer laughed slightly, still catching his breath.

“Not funny El.” Race said, still looking at Albert.  
“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” He asked.

Albert looked between Race, and Spot and Elmer who were just staring at each other....  
“Oh right, yeah....I don’t actually. Like I said, me and El are practicing.”

Elmer turned back around at that, smiling at Albert and chucking the ball over to him.

“Right Yeah, well, we’ve got math work to do so....” Race said.

“What? No way! I’m practicing. Blink messaged me earlier and said he wanted to play this weekend.” Elmer looked at Race, knowing his answer to that.

“No. You won’t be allowed anyway.” He said.

Spot stood awkwardly in the garden, shuffling slightly when Buddy came sniffing around his feet again. He looked Elmer up and down, noticing the way he leant on the baseball bat, and the way his shoulders worked more than the average person’s.

“Like I didn’t see that coming.” Elmer said, rolling his eyes. He let the baseball bat fall as he walked back inside, brushing not so politely past Spot.   
Albert rolled his eyes and stomped across the grass, glaring at Spot as he followed Elmer inside.

“Smooth move, Higgins.” Spot said.

“What would you know?” Race snapped. He sighed slightly, going over and leaning down to pick up the bat; knowing that Elmer wouldn’t want to leave it outside to rot.

“I’d know when to back off...looks like you’re suffocating the poor guy.” Spot folded his arms, his backpack sliding down his shoulder.

“And what you know about that? You’ve never had a brother! Jack is the closest thing you’ve got to family!” Race shouted.

He couldn’t take it anymore, the fact that Elmer would probably rather spend time with anyone else but him, and how he thought he could do anything...when he just couldn’t. He couldn’t.   
Race steadied his breathing, expecting Spot to explode at him.

“I could say something that would probably make you punch me, but I promised Jack I wouldn’t be an asshole....you know, since he’s the only person I’ve basically got left.” Spot said.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-“

“You did.”

And he was right, Race did mean it; because he felt alone in the fact that he needed Elmer, and if something happened to him, he wouldn’t know what he would do.

Spot rubbed at his eyes tipping his head back slightly, closing up the gap that had let his vulnerability flow out.  
“I’ll see you at school, Race.”

Race watched him leave the garden, hearing the front door open and close.  
‘Nice one’ he said to himself.   
He called Buddy in, and closed the French doors, locking them.  
He jumped slightly when he saw Albert sat at the kitchen table.

“You uh...um” Race wipes at his face, “did you talk to him?”

Albert nodded his head.

“What’d he say? Is he okay?” Race asked.

“Here’s the thing....you’ve gotta stop worrying so much, he’s fine.” Albert said.

Race sat down in the chair next to him, still not able to relax in his own house.   
“You wouldn’t be saying that if you saw him two weeks ago....”

Albert didn’t want to ask, so he didn’t. They just sat in silence for a little while, listening to Buddy as he sniffed around, and figured out that Elmer was upstairs and he left the kitchen.

“He is upstairs right?” Race asked.

Albert laughed and nodded his head, and then Race seemed to finally relax.

“You know, he’s probably gonna give you the wrong answers on your maths homework.” Albert said.

“Oh shit! Elmer I swear to god! Don’t do my homework!” Race yelled loud enough so Elmer could hear him from upstairs.

“You make him do your homework?” Albert asked, secretly judging Racetrack.

“No! I don’t! He legit just gets it out of my back and does it for me, I swear to god!” Race said to defend himself, and Albert just laughed at him, knowing full well that Elmer would do everyone’s math homework if he could.

“And yet when I ask him to do my English work, he practically runs a mile.” Albert joked, causing Race to laugh as well.

“Wanna play Mario Kart? Elmer will probably come down I a bit. And we have a few hours before anyone comes home”   
Race said.

Albert nodded and followed Race to the living room; knowing that if there was anything to get Race and Elmer out of their funk, it was Mario Kart.   
_____________________________________________

Elmer was sat in his room, giving Buddy a belly rub. He was confused when Buddy sat up and whined towards the window.

“What is it?” Elmer whispered. He jumped slightly when he heard some knocking at his window.

“Hey! You gonna open up?”

Oh, it was that guy....what was his name...Spot! Right, Okay.

Elmer scrambled to open the window, holding onto Spot’s hand so he wouldn’t fall.  
“What the hell are you doing!?”

“Well, I had this idea. You wanna go play baseball?” Spot asked.

Elmer let go of Spot, and he fell back slightly but then quickly caught himself on the tree branch behind him.  
“Baseball? You want to go and play baseball?” Elmer stepped back a little.

“Yes! You coming or not? Don’t tell me you’re scared of heights?” Spot teased.

“No, I just...I don’t think I can climb to be honest. I’m just tired is all.” Elmer said, casing Spot to frown at him.

“Okay, then I’ll bring baseball to you.” Spot pulled out a baseball and hopped through the window, mindful of the work on the desk.

He threw the ball and Elmer easily caught it.

“Don’t look at me like that, you’re gonna turn this into some sort of Troy and Gabriella moment”  
Spot folded his arms and laughed when Elmer wrinkled his nose slightly, the freckles standing out more.

“You’ve seen high school musical?” Elmer didn’t take Spot as the kind of guy to know about those films.

“Don’t even...Romeo made me watch them at least ten times” Spot said, basking in Elmer’s smile that practically lit up the room.

He ducked his head when he saw Elmer looking at him, realising that this whole situation was ridiculous. He ran a hand through his hair, suddenly feeling shy.  
What hell? Spot Conlon didn’t get shy.

“You’re puffing your chest out like you’re one of those animals on the discovery channel” Elmer said, pointing at Spot.

Spot blinked and then relaxed again, laughing to himself.

“You’re weird.” Elmer said, shooting Spot a goofy smile.

“Me? You’re the one that just let a practical stranger into your bedroom.”

“Yeah? Well, you’re the one that climbed up here like I’m stuck in some tower!” Elmer said, poking Spot in the chest.

“Well, you look trapped to me”

They looked at each other for a moment, before Elmer just nodded; knowing that Spot was technically right.   
He sat back down on his bed, Buddy curled up at his feet and Spot looked at the dog nervously, but then shrugged his minor fear off.

“So, we gonna do some math or what?” Spot said, sitting down on the bed and getting some books out of his back pack.

“You must really be failing if you climbed up to my window. I should start charging for Race’s friends to learn math” Elmer laughed.

“What? They’re your friends too....” Spot said.

“Yeah, they are...” Elmer said hesitantly, but he just couldn’t really think of that anymore.   
He felt left out most of the time, since he couldn’t really go out that much. He was just so tired most of the time.

“You okay?” Spot asked, he swore he saw Elmer pale a little.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s get started, huh?”

Elmer shot Spot one of his signature smiles, and Spot was pretty sure that climbing to this window was the best choice of his life so far; he just didn’t know it yet.

 


	2. Strawberries and Nutella

  
“You mother fucker! How dare you red shell me!” Racetrack shrieked, bumping into Albert’s shoulder on the couch to try and throw him off track.

“If you think that was bad, wait for this!” Albert yelled, sending a blue shell Race’s way.

“You dick!” Race had leaned across the couch, pushing Albert off with his foot.

“Ow.” Albert grumbled, rubbing at his side.

Race glanced at the clock on the side table, and hurriedly paused the game.  
“Shit! My parents are gonna be home soon!” He said, jumping up from the couch.  
Albert got up from the floor and threw the controller onto the couch, following Race out into the hallway.

“I bet El is asleep, I’ll go check real quick” Racetrack said. He stumbled slightly as he went up the stairs; seemingly rushing to see Elmer so they could forget the small disagreement they had had earlier.

Race was in for a surprise however, when he opened Elmer’s bedroom door; he narrowed his eyes when he saw Spot sat on the end of El’s bed, and Elmer was clearly fast asleep in his usual position.  
Flopped at all angles on his bed, taking up as much room as possible and snoring lightly.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Race snapped.  
Spot looked up from his math textbook, glaring back at Racetrack and he made a shushing motion with his hand.  
Great, Spot Conlon made him feel like a dick In his own home. He glanced at Elmer and looked him over, not noticing anything out of the ordinary....maybe a little worse for wear, but alright for now.

“We were studying, but I guess he got tired” Spot said. He tapped Elmer’s left foot with the edge of his textbook, and it twitched away, causing Elmer to stir slightly in his sleep.  
“Yep, dead to the world”

“That’s not funny.” Race said. He felt slightly awkward now, shuffling from side to side.  
“So....you understand algebra more now?” He asked, hoping that Spot would get bored and leave.

“Yeah. He’s a real genius.” Spot looked at Elmer, and smiled when he mumbled something in his sleep, twisting in the sheets again, knocking one of his pens onto the floor.

“Good, that’s good. Did you like, climb in through the window or something? I thought you left.” Race looked around Elmer’s room, and then back at Spot. He saw his expression and he laughed at that.  
“No way! You totally climbed in through the window! That’s like, some Romeo and Juliet shit right there”

“Actually, we were going for more of a high school musical kind of vibe; but I guess that works too” Spot joked, and if Race hadn’t understood his humour, he would have thought he was being serious.

“Right okay....anyway, my parents are gonna be home soon, so you and Albert have gotta go.” Race said in a hushed tone, still looking at Elmer.  
“And you don’t wanna wake him up, he’ll probably rip your head off. The grouchiest riser, ever.”

Spot smirked, but carefully got up from the bed, gently collecting his things and following Race out of the room. He noticed how Race left Elmer’s door slightly open, and he couldn’t help but wonder that maybe it wasn’t Elmer who had the most problems around here.

“Don’t.” Race just said.

“What? I didn’t say anything.” Spot stood on the landing, waiting to follow Racetrack down the stairs.

“Well, you were thinking it.” Race said.

Spot nodded at that, Race probably knew that he was a worried mess around Elmer.

They got to the bottom of the stairs, and Race noticed how Albert stood awkwardly, and he ran a hand sheepishly at the back of his neck.

“Anthony Higgins! Dad is going to kill you if he finds out you’ve brought home your friends!” Sophia, Race’s sister, yelled at him as she walked from the kitchen and down the hallway towards them.  
She grabbed Albert’s ear and tugged.  
“And you know better than to play baseball with Elmer!”

“Ow, ow! Why is it a bad thing!” Albert let out an embarrassing yelp when Sophia tugged at his ear harder.

“Because I don’t want to hear you complain when Elmer kicks your ass at it!” Sophia said.

Race let out a sigh of relief, thankful that she hadn’t expressed her clear worry at Elmer over straining himself. He wasn’t up for a lot these days.

“Cagna” Race grumbled. He jumped when Sophia sent him a glare.

“Cazzo” Sophia quipped back.

“Sophia! Such language!” Albert scolded her, and he also coward back when she shot him another glare; stepping back so she couldn’t grab at his ear again.

“You don’t even know what I said!”

“I know it wasn’t nice! Poor Racer, so abused in his family” Albert and Racetrack fake pouted.

Spot again, stood awkwardly, wishing that he could just leave, or that he could go back to Elmer’s room and hide there forever. He just found the guy to be comforting, and he could actually be himself without anyone judging him....not that he cared about that stuff, of course he didn’t.

“And who are you?” Sophia asked, her arms folded over her chest, looking Spot up and down.  
She leaned over to Albert and whispered: “he’s so short”

“I know” Albert whispered back, and Spot glared at them whilst Race just laughed.

Sophia snickered at Spot’s look, the bag in her hand shaking as her shoulders moved up and down.  
“What’s in the bag, sis?” Race asked.

“Elmer asked me to get him this baseball glove that he’s been saving up for, so I picked it up for him” she said.

Race groaned and tipped his head back slightly; “why couldn’t he have gotten those tap shoes instead? We could have done so many duets!”

Sophia laughed at him, and rolled her eyes and she waved bye to Albert and Spot (who was still glaring at her) and went upstairs.

“He’s asleep” Race called, but Sophia didn’t answer.  
“Okay you two, see you tomorrow” he said, practically shoving them out of the door so his parents wouldn’t find them.

Albert nodded, and Spot looked at him one more time before he left, somehow feeling a part of something more now that he’d met Elmer....and that was something special.   
_____________________________________________

Tapping of pens, crumpling of paper....making up tests were the worst. Especially when said test was the one you had just cheated on. Blink would know, since he’d done it; he didn’t even know why he had.

He was thankful when the time reached an end, and practically jumped out of his seat and ran to lunch, skidding to a halt at the usual table.  
He threw his arms into the air, backpack flinging up at the movement.  
“I’m free! No more detention! And I totally just aced that make up test!” Blink yelled.

David looked up from the book he was reading, smiling at Blink.  
“Maybe you’ve learned your lesson now.” He said, going back to flipping the page.

Blink swiped his middle finger at him before he sat down next Mush, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Finally! It feels like we haven’t spent lunch together for aaaggeeesss” Mush whined. He laughed when Blink rubbed their noses together, and laughed even more when he saw Race and Albert roll their eyes.

Spot came over with an apple in his hand, taking a bite and sitting down. He noticed everyone looking at him.

“So....how was it? Did you get your math grade up?” Mush asked.

“Yeah, sure did” Spot said; “C”   
Mush smiled widely, and Race looked smug in some aspects, and a little pissed off.

“I knew you would, I mean, Elmer did help Blink out; so he was bound to help you as well” Mush said.

“Yeah, but Blink didn’t climb through El’s window.” Racetrack butted in, and Spot glared whilst Albert huffed out a laugh at Mush’s confused expression.

“What can I say? Someone had to recreate those high school musical moments” Spot said, regaining his dignity by knocking himself down a few pegs.

“I knew you liked those movies!” Romeo stood up slightly, pointing passionately at Spot and humming out the tune to Breaking Free.  
Specs joined in after a while, and the rest of them had just learned to tune it out.

“You guys coming to the game next weekend?” Jack asked.   
David nodded his head, leaving Jack to grin widely.

“If there’s corn dogs, then I’m in” Albert said, slapping down his already bought ticket for the school’s football game....because of course he’d already be going.

Jack looked at Racetrack hopefully, figuring out how to say his next sentence.  
“Is Elmer coming?” He asked.

Racetrack bit his lip anxiously. He didn’t want to say no, but he also didn’t want to say yes; since it was most likely that his parents wouldn’t let Elmer go. They had been worrying a lot more lately, getting twitchy at Elmer’s regained independence.  
“I’m not sure...I’ll have to ask”

“Well, we’re playing baseball this weekend; and before you say no Race, just think about it. You know how much he misses baseball.” Blink said.

Race nodded his head, but frowned none the less. He didn’t even know how he’d convince his parents to let them go out and play a game....  
“It would be good if he loved tap just as much”

“Not everyone carries on with dance like you, Romeo, Specs and Albert.” Mush said, smiling at him.

“Yeah well, he was good at it! He still knows all the steps and everything, he just prefers to run and sweat all the time.” Race shrugged his shoulder and took a drink from his bottle. He gargled the water and smirked when Albert wrinkled his nose with distaste.

“Wait, can we get back to the fact that Spot climbed through Elmer’s window” Blink said. “Like, why would you do that?”

Spot shrugged his shoulders; “I don’t know, just felt right I guess. Since he pretty much just wants out of the house.”   
He winced slightly when he saw Racetrack deflate.  
“Not that it’s anyone’s fault though.”  
Come on, he wasn’t that much of an asshole.

“Yeah well, we’ll see. I’ll try and get us to come and meet you at the pitch on Saturday, Blink” Racetrack said.

He didn’t add a promise to it because, it was more than likely that they wouldn’t be able to go; and Race knew better than to argue with his parents over matters like this.   
_____________________________________________

It was the end of the school day once again, and Spot felt at a loss of what to do....since he had no plans, and didn’t really need any more help with his math. He was kind of disappointed by that fact...it had only taken one night for him to understand algebra more. Why oh why couldn’t he suck at all his subjects...like Jack. Ha, he laughed at that thought; even making fun of Jack when he wasn’t here.

“Spot!”

Speak of the devil.

“Spot, Spottie! Spot! Me and Davey are official!” Jack yelled out, and some people looked at him as they passed in the corridor.

“Okay? What do you want me to say?” Spot said.

“You’re such a mood killer. Anyway, I’m going to Davey’s right now, so I won’t be able to give you a lift home....” Jack rubbed at the back of his neck, and he looked at Spot sheepishly.

“Sure, Whatever. Have fun banging” Spot said as he walked off.  
Jack let him go, knowing that he wasn’t angry at him, just slightly annoyed at the inconvenience and late notice.

“I’ll see you at home!” Jack called after Spot, and he nodded to himself before heading back to the library to meet David.  
_____________________________________________

“Elias! Elias!”

“Yeah!?” Elmer called back; he knew better than to ignore Mrs Higgins.

“Elias, me and your father are going grocery shopping, is there anything you need?” She asked.   
She was stood at the bottom of the stairs, and her voice reached high volumes so Elmer could hear her.

He huffed out a breath, not feeling in the mood to yell, so he walked to the landing so he was in view.

“Ah, there you are...are you alright?” She asked.  
She ushered herself up the stairs and stood in front of Elmer; placing her palm on his forehead.  
“You feel a little warm”

Elmer batted her hand away gently, feeling fatigued and he just wanted to sleep all day. He had a pile of school work to do, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it.

“Go lie down. We’ll bring you back a shake or something” She smiled sweetly, and Elmer ducked his head slightly. He hated how he felt like a burden, making everyone worry all the time.   
Mrs Higgins stepped away, glancing at Elmer one last time before she went back downstairs.

Elmer waved goodbye to her as she left to meet Mr Higgins in the car.   
He sighed, shoulders drooping; and he went back to his room, grabbing a pair of clean clothes and headed to the bathroom. Maybe a hot shower would clear his thoughts.   
_____________________________________________

Music flowed through the auditorium, the stage being filled with the hum of harmonies and life.

“Thought I’d find you here”

Race stopped moving and looked towards Albert, who was stood in one of the aisles.   
He tried to ignore him, but his thoughts were racing and he couldn’t focus.

“What is it?” Race asked. He shuffled and sat on the edge of the stage, picking up he towel and draping it over his neck.

“What’s the matter?” Albert counteracted Race’s question, knowing that they needed to talk about whatever was bugging him.

“It’s nothing...it’s just. I don’t know, I guess I’m just worried about Elmer.” Race admitted.

Albert nodded his head and walked up to the stage, taking a seat next to Racetrack.   
“He’s okay though, right? I mean, yesterday he seemed okay.”

“Yeah...but he basically slept through dinner and I didn’t see him up this morning.” Race said. He picked nervously at his nails, but quickly stopped himself and the bad habit

“Is there something you’re not telling me?”  
Albert couldn’t help but notice how Race dodged the topic of Elmer recently, and turned down their requests to come around a lot faster.

Race stood up and hoped off the stage.  
“Nope, nothing to say” Race said a bit to quickly, and Albert quirked and eyebrow at him.

“Okay.” Albert shrugged his shoulders and followed Racetrack out of the auditorium; he’d figure it out sooner or later.   
_____________________________________________

Elmer relaxed into the hot spray, and he ran his fingers through his hair, soap suds sliding down his back. He rinsed off and step out of the shower, thankful that he had put his towel on the radiator so he could get warmer quicker.  
As he got dried, he looked at himself in the mirror, noticing how pale he looked, and the way the marks on his skin stood out...the bruises and tangled mess of some red splotches.  
Just an after effect of whatever virus his body was fighting against today.

That was the thing really, the doctors didn’t know exactly what was wrong with him; just the fact that his immune system sucked, and it was getting it’s ass kicked left and right but shitty illnesses and what not.

Elmer stopped prodding at his skin and pulled on a soft shirt, and slid on some sweatpants.  
He hung his towel back onto the radiator and coughed into his elbow slightly, walking out of the bathroom and to his bedroom.  
He stretched and scratched at his stomach slightly, jumping when he noticed that he wasn’t alone in his room.  
“Jesus!”

“Nope, I told you, it’s just Spot.” Spot smirked over at Elmer from his seat on the bed.

“How did you?....please stop climbing through my window” Elmer said, and he walked over to his window, shutting it completely and making sure to lock it.

Spot admired how Elmer leaned over his desk to lock the window, and leaned his head to the side to catch a glimpse of the toned muscle. So he was in shape for a sick kid...not entirely odd.  
He ducked his head as Elmer turned around.

“Were you just checking me out?” Elmer folded his arms and raised an eyebrow at Spot. This time he smirked.

“Pfft, no way.” Spot said. He opened his backpack and got out a tube of strawberries, along with a jar of Nutella.   
“Wanna re-create that one moment from High School Musical three?” Spot asked.

Elmer laughed at him, sitting down on his bed next to him and talking the jar of Nutella to open it. He let out a frustrated huff when his hands would cooperate with his brain to open the jar....that just happened sometimes.

“Here” Spot said, taking the jar and opening it. He expected Elmer to yell at him for making him seem weak, but he just watched him nod his head in thanks, and take a strawberry and dip it into the chocolate treat.

Elmer chewed a bit before he said; “no double dipping. I don’t wanna catch whatever lergy you’ve got.” He joked, but they both knew he was being serious.

“No sweat. But FYI, I don’t have any diseases.” Spot hit Elmer on the arm, and he laughed as he pouted.

“Wish I could say the same thing” Elmer mumbled.  
Spot just shrugged him off, knowing that he wasn’t meant to hear him say it.

“So why’d you really come back? You struggling with algebra that much?” Elmer asked.  
He swirled a fresh strawberry into the Nutella; admiring it before he took a bite.

Now, Spot Conlon didn’t blush, it was just that it was warm in here.  
“No, I just-“   
He didn’t actually know why he was here....

“Or is it because you enjoy my company?” Elmer teased, knocking shoulders with Spot, and giggling slightly when he saw him glare.

“Enjoy your company? You slept most of the time!” Spot said.

“Well I can’t help it that you’re so boring!” Elmer laughed when Spot put his hands to his chest in mock offence.  
Spot reached for a strawberry, but slipped slightly when Elmer tugged the box away and held it over his head.  
“Pretty sure boring people can’t eat strawberries and Nutella” He said.

Spot narrowed his eyes.  
“The height thing ain’t gonna work! You’re only an inch taller than me!”   
He leaned across Elmer to reached for the box, but growled when Elmer held it further away.

“It’s still an inch!” Elmer laughed.  
He yelped when Spot pushed him, sitting on top of him and grabbing the strawberries triumphantly.

“Ha!” He looked down at Elmer who was pouting up at him, a scowl set on his face.

Spot suddenly forgot about the whole situation, not really caring about the strawberries that much anymore. His heart was hammering in his chest, and he felt his cheeks heat up as he listened to Elmer laugh at him; realising his face must have looked ridiculous at that moment in time.   
Elmer opened his eyes and looked at him directly, smiling as bright as the sun, and Spot leaned down slightly, but subtle enough that Elmer was oblivious to it.

“Um...” Spot started, but then he did a double take.  
“Your nose is bleeding” he said, and he got up off of Elmer, helping him sit up slightly.

“Shit!” Elmer hopped up, and held his hand under his nose, catching the blood and basically sprinting to the bathroom and leaning over the sink.  
Spot followed him, making sure he didn’t leave any blood on the white carpets; he was pretty sure Elmer would be killed if that happened.  
He leaned awkwardly against the door way.

“You, um, you okay?” Spot asked. He bit his lip nervously.

“Yeah, could you pass me that?” Elmer mumbled, pointing at the toilet role.  
Spot easily handed it to him, not caring that Elmer got a little blood on his hand.  
He wiped it off on his jeans.

They both whipped their heads to the doorway when they heard the front door open and close.  
“Elias!?” The voice called.

“Shit! Race’s parents are home!” Elmer said, he wobbled slightly trying to figure out what to do.

“They’re your parents too” Spot said, but either Elmer didn’t hear him, or he chose not to; because he didn’t answer him.

“Get behind the shower curtain!” Elmer went to push Spot in that direction, but Spot grabbed at his hands to stop him; the blood still flowing from his nose.

“What would be the point? You need help Elmer.” Spot said.  
“We’re up here!” He shouted.

“What are you doing!?” Elmer whispered harshly, making Spot let go of him.

“Elias!” Mrs Higgins gasped at the sight of him; pale and bloodied. She hardly noticed Spot stood in the bathroom as she hurriedly got some cotton wool out of the bathroom cupboard.  
At least, Spot thought she hadn’t noticed-  
“Wet this towel for me, dear” she said, handing Spot a fresh towel.

He ran it under the tap and handed it back to Mrs Higgins, who held it quickly under Elmer’s nose.

“Why didn’t you tell me you had a fever?” She said, palming at Elmer’s forehead. She sighed in relief as the blood flow began to slow down.

“You okay?” Spot asked, resting a hand on Elmer’s shoulder.  
He nodded gratefully, and put his hand over Spot’s to help ground him.

“You should go and lie down. It’s stopped now.” Mrs Higgins looked Elmer over once more, seemingly an expert at this by now.   
She looked at Spot too, deciding not to mention the boy in her home. She winked at Elmer as they left the bathroom, letting him know that she wouldn’t tell Mr Higgins.   
Since they weren’t really supposed to have people round; but this technically wasn’t Elmer’s fault, since Spot had basically broken in.

Elmer flopped onto his bed, rolling over on his side and watching Spot shut the door-all the way, he noticed.

“Elias? What kind of dumb ass name is that?” Spot said playfully, folding his arms and smirking at Elmer.

“The name my parents gave me, dumbass.” Elmer laughed slightly; “and Spot isn’t exactly a great one. You sound like a dog.”

“Yeah, because Spot isn’t my real name. Just like Elmer ain’t yours....Elias” Spot snickered when he said Elmer’s name, having fun with the new found material.

“Fuck you” Elmer weakly threw a pillow at Spot, and he huffed and rolled over onto his back.   
He sounded stuffy as he spoke, dried blood slightly crusted on his nose.

Spot watched him a moment before speaking.  
“You call your parents Race’s parents? Why?” He asked, leaning down to pick up the pillow and sitting cross legged on Elmer’s bed.

“I don’t know....I call em mom and dad I guess, it’s just weird. I can still remember what my parents looked like, even though it’s hazy.” Elmer said.  
Spot nodded, feeling like he’d intruded on an aspect of Elmer’s life that he wasn’t supposed to know.  
They’d only known each other for two days, but Spot couldn’t help but feel at home here.

“Well, your mom seems pretty nice; since she didn’t rat me out to your dad.” Spot watched as Elmer reached for his phone, laughing slightly as he figured he was reading texts from Racetrack.

Spot looked at Elmer as he put on a soundtrack of what sounding like blackbirds in the evening, and he leaned back onto his bed, closing his eyes.

“Don’t judge me, it’s relaxing.” Elmer mumbled, so Spot didn’t say anything, he just sat back and listened; finding the tweeting just as relaxing as Elmer had said it was.

He got up to leave, but heard a low whisper;  
“You can stay.” Elmer said.

Spot thought about it for a moment, and he came to the conclusion that there was no where else he had to be....or perhaps it was that, he had no place that he would have rather been right now.  
He just figured Elmer had that effect on people. 


	3. Baseball and untold questions unanswered

  
Racetrack swore he wasn’t a nervous person, but around Elmer, he was.   
He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Elmer resting peacefully, and he walked over, noticing the window was open. He rolled his eyes and shoved Elmer awake.

“What? What?” Elmer mumbled, sitting up slightly and rubbing at his eyes.

“You’re Prince Charming has escaped.” Racetrack drawled out. He was annoyed at the fact that Spot just came and went, and he had only met Elmer yesterday...what the hell was that about?

“Who?” Elmer asked, blinking at the light that flooded into his room from the hallway.

“Spot, you dickwad” Racetrack smirked slightly. It was always funny to see Elmer try and wake himself up, but he guessed he shouldn’t really laugh.

“Oh, you mean Troy Bolton” Elmer said, clearly trying to get under Race’s skin.

“He doesn’t even like high school musical!” Race basically shrieked out that sentence, and Elmer laughed.

“Chill out.” Elmer said.

Race went to go and close the window; “you sure are, you’d think he’d at least close the window after he left.”

“Don’t close it....s’nice” Elmer rolled over again onto his stomach, his shirt lifting up slightly, and Race caught a glimpse of some of the marks that littered his skin. Just normal things...but they shouldn’t be classed as normal.

“You feeling okay?” He asked.

Elmer just hummed in response, clearly disinterested in whatever Race was going to say to him.

“Hey....don’t be like this.” Race said. He sat down on Elmer’s bed, and he let a hand rest on his back, rubbing up and down slightly.  
“Did you have a nosebleed again?”

Elmer nodded his head, sighing slightly at the comforting presence on his back.

“That’s the fifth one this week....and it’s only Thursday. You got another appointment coming up, right?” Race stopped rubbing Elmer’s back, knowing that he’d only be asked to stop it.

Elmer rolled over and sat up; “Yep. Tomorrow.” He fiddled with the corner of the duvet nervously.

“You’ll be fine. I bet they’ll say that you’re getting better this time....no more blood tests. You watch.” Racetrack smiled at him.  
But what he said was meant to comfort him more than Elmer...he didn’t know what he’d do if they got more bad news.

“We’ll see.” Elmer looked towards the window and smiled, laughing slightly.  
“I didn’t even hear him leave”

“Yeah well, Spot’s just weird like that I guess. Just, don’t get too attached...from what Jack’s told me, he doesn’t like to stick around that much.”   
Race didn’t want Elmer to be let down by someone else....he had let him down before, when he hadn’t been a good brother sometimes, and he promised himself that he’d be better; especially when Elmer got sick a year back.

“I’ll say. He brought strawberries and Nutella.” Elmer wrinkled his nose, not being in the mood for sweet things at the moment....or even any food for that matter.  
The nosebleed earlier had left him feeling kind of queasy.

“Then he really is a weirdo. You wanna’ play Mario Kart?” Race looked at Elmer hopefully, but he frowned when he shook his head.  
“Alright....I’ll see you in a bit”   
Race got up and left the room, feeling defeated once again. Him and Elmer just didn’t seem to click like they used to...he’d have to up his game if they were ever supposed to be like they used...or he’d just have to stop worrying so much.

Elmer laid back down, smiling slightly to himself at the fact that a person had climbed all the way through his window just to see him; probably for no other reason than the fact that he was himself.  
Not out of pity or because he needed help with math...even though that was how it had started.

He only hoped that good things lied ahead.  
_____________________________________________

Spot opened up his bedroom window, and climbed through expertly. He’d done it a million times before, since he snook out a lot when he first got to Jack’s....not feeling entirely comfortable with the silence that would surround him.   
He winced as his floor boards creaked, and he counted the moments before he heard footsteps coming towards his room. He quickly sat down on his bed, trying to make himself look like he’d been there all night.

“Spot, I swear to god!” Jack said, opening Spot’s door, and thinking for a moment before narrowing his eyes.   
“Where were you?” He whispered harshly.   
Despite not acting like it, he genuinely got worried whenever Spot left without telling anyone.

“Here?” Spot tried, but looked down Jack gates at him, clearly not buying his excuse.  
“At Race’s.”

Jack stood up straighter, arms still folded with a surprised look on his face.   
“Why? All you guys do is argue.”   
He thought for a moment....  
“No. No, Spot. You can’t just go round to see Elmer....I thought you were doing okay in math?”

Now it was Spot’s turn to glare, and he stood up to meet Jack in the middle of his room.  
“I don’t give a shit about the math! I was just going round to hang out!”

Jack couldn’t be angry at that, not really.

“He isn’t just some math nerd that you guys can use to boost your grade up. He does actually want to hang out.” Spot was now starting to think that their friends weren’t all that great.

“No no no no, that was just those two times with you and Blink! We do wanna hang out with him! Just, he hasn’t been feeling great, and Race gets all angsty when Elmer comes out with us.” Jack explained.

Spot nodded his head.  
“Well, he does sleep a lot....and he had a nose bleed today. So I guess he does feel pretty shitty.”

“He had a nose bleed? Those are bad, Spot....” Jack sighed and sat down on Spot’s bed, motioning for the shorter boy to sit next to him.   
“It’s just, he used to get them like, five times a week, out of no where. We all thought he was on drugs or something. Well, we wished that”

Spot bumped his shoulder with Jack’s for him to continue.

“And then like a week later, Romeo found him passed out in the bathroom after a baseball game...and things have been shit ever since.” Jack was honestly trying not to cry.  
Almost losing a member of their team....their friendship group, had been hard. And he hadn’t really seen Elmer a lot these past few months.

“Pretty shitty then...what’s even up with him?” Spot asked.

“The docs got no idea....it’s fucking ridiculous.” Jack always got angry thinking about....but he could only imagine how Race was feeling.

They sat there for a little while, before Jack spoke again;  
“Just, don’t get too attached....I don’t want you getting upset when-if something happens to him.”

And Spot knew he should have headed that warning, otherwise he wouldn’t have been where he was now.   
_____________________________________________

“So, Elias” the doctor started. He glanced at Mrs and Mr Higgins for a brief moment.  
“Your body seems to be doing okay on the new meds. I know it’s hard because we don’t have any answers about what is the underlying cause, but as long you keep resting and being careful around other people who have recently been ill, you should do okay. There isn’t anything too worrying at this moment in time”

Elmer felt the tension in the room lift, but he still felt like he was being suffocated with it.

“So he’s doing better?” Mr Higgins asked sternly.

“Yes.” The doctor said.

Mr Higgins shook his hand and clapped Elmer on the back whilst Mrs Higgins smiled and thanked the man for all of his help so far; and they scheduled another appointment for a months time.  
The gap between Elmer’s visits were widening, meaning that he must be getting better....then why did he still feel like crap all of the time?

They went to walk out of the office, but Mr Higgins stopped back for a moment, letting the door close.

“I’m sorry, doctor, but I don’t believe a thing you just said to that kid.” Mr Higgins said.

“Please, Mr Higgins. It’s the truth, we whole heartedly wish that we could give you better news. But for now, that’s all we have. We are trying everything we can.” The doctor replied, he stepped back a little, intimidated by the taller man.

“Please, call me Daniel. And I am willing to pay you more money, if you put more guys on Elmer’s case....you need to find something. We can’t lose him to whatever shit this is....” Daniel sat down in the chair, holding his head in his hands.

He would usually stand strong, but behind closed doors, he couldn’t help but let that demeanour fall.  
The doctor put a hand on his shoulder and spoke calmly and carefully.

“I’m not supposed to say this, but here is what I think. You said he’d been having nosebleeds this week, and that’s how all of this started. So i predict that these next few months aren’t going to be easy, even if all of our research points to him being okay.”   
The doctor did have a point, and Daniel allowed himself to tense up slightly, but relax none the less, knowing that his family would have to prepare for the worst.

“Thank you doctor. We’ll be in touch.” He said, getting up and leaving the office.  
A little more weight on shoulders than when he came in.   
_____________________________________________

“What are you so nervous about?” Albert asked Racetrack as he leant on the edge of the stage.   
He often found Race in the auditorium, dancing some routine that he’d performed a million times before.

“Elmer’s at the doctors today...s’no big deal.” Race answered. He lowered himself into the splits, then shuffled so he was just sat normally.

“Then why can’t you get simple steps right, if it’s ‘no big deal’. You’re thinking about something.” Albert still stood at the edge of the stage, looking up slightly at Race.

“Well, he hasn’t been feeling too great...at all. Not that he’d tell anyone, obviously.” Racetrack rolled his eyes.  
He got out his phone from his bag, and he continuously kept checking it for any messages. He hadn’t received any yet.

Albert grabbed his phone and he’d it away from him.  
“I’m sure he’s fine. Otherwise you’d know, right?”

Race sighed in defeat, knowing Albert was right.   
“You wanna just, make up some dance routine? This free period is lasting forever.”

Albert smiled and nodded, climbing onto the stage, and they set to work just messing around.   
_____________________________________________

The weekend couldn’t have come quick enough for Blink. He was looking forward to getting back on the field.  
He wanted to play baseball with Elmer back on the team, but Elmer had text him and said that he wasn’t going to play, but he’d sit with the others and watch; after practically begging his parents to let him go.   
So Blink was a bit bitter about that...he wanted his baseball game to be better with Elmer playing, and for him to just watch at Jack’s football game; since Elmer had never really liked playing football that much.  
It was stupid for him to think like that, but he just missed the good old days. Maybe they’d go to the diner afterwards and get some shakes.

  
Racetrack pulled up into the car park, looking at Elmer a little, trying to be subtle about how uneasy he was.

“Get a grip Racer, I’m fine.” Elmer said, sort of irritated at the fact he was treated like broken glass.  
“The doctor said I’m fine.”

“Bullshit, like you believe it.” Race gripped at the steering wheel, a habit his anger was fond of.

Elmer turned in his seat;  
“For once, can’t I just have this little piece of hope for fucking once, without you and you’re parents and your sisters breathing down my neck” he harshly said, his tone of voice low.

“They’re your family too....” Race said softly. He wouldn’t get angry at Elmer for having a go at him, it hardly happened anyway.

Elmer ignored Race’s comment, because recently he had started to question whether it was true. Growing up in a family which wasn’t his own, and not really remembering his own family gave him moments of insecurities. They never even talked about it that much throughout the course of his life, and he felt he was at a point where he should probably ask...but in some way, he felt like he’d let his birth parents down.

“Elmer....” Race started; “you know you’re basically my brother, and I’ve known you for as long as I can remember. And Sophia and Maria don’t know life without you.” He said, looking at Elmer hopefully and smiling.

“Yeah well, maybe it’d be best if they did.” Elmer undid his seat belt and got out of the car, making his way over to their group of friends; leaving Racetrack to punch his steering wheel and ponder on the thought of what a terrible person he would be if Elmer had never been there.   
_____________________________________________

“Elmer! My man!” Jack hugged him as he came up to them, keeping his arm around his shoulder.   
“How you doing? We didn’t think you’d be here” he smiled, feeling pretty care free at the moment.

Elmer wiped his hoodie sleeve under his nose.  
“Yep, good to be out”  
He breathed in the fresh air, glancing sideways when he noticed Racetrack walking up and joining in conversation with Albert about something.  
‘Probably me’ he thought.

“Elly!” Romeo shouted, leaping over and hugging him, causing Jack to scowl but then smile when David stood next to him.  
Specs said hey to Elmer as well.

“Mush went with Blink to get ready for the game. Mush said he’d meet us in the stands” David said, informing them all like usual.

“Anyone wanna get a snow cone?” Spot spoke up as he returned from the rest room.

Elmer saw Racetrack and Albert begin to approach the group, so he grabbed Spot’s wrist;  
“I’ll go”   
And he steered Spot towards the food stand, leaving Racetrack feeling lousy and at a lost for words.

“What was that about?” Spot asked, twisting his wrist from Elmer’s grasp.

“Nothing. I wanted a snow cone. You want cherry or grape? I’m gonna get green apple” Elmer tried to deter from Spot’s statement.

“Elmer.” Spot said.

Elmer turned around from looking at the snow cone flavours, feeling like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.  
“It’s nothing, we just had an argument, that’s all.”

“You do that a lot?” Spot walked up to the counter, asking for a cherry flavour for him, and a green apple one for Elmer.

They walked over to a bench, taking no notice that the game had just started.  
“Not really. He just frustrates me sometimes, I mean, he worries too much. I feel fine!”  
Elmer took a spoonful of his frozen treat, enjoying the cool sensation. He just always seemed to be running like a heater nowadays.

“Do you believe that?” Spot asked.  
Elmer coughed, surprised at such a forward question.

“Of course I do. I feel fine” Elmer hadn’t realised he said that again until Spot raised an eyebrow at him.

“Okay, I believe you” Spot shrugged his shoulders, knowing when to not push any further. He smirked when he saw Elmer looking at him with a mixture of surprise and gratefulness.  
Suck on that Kelly, he wasn’t an asshole.

“The games starting” Elmer said.

“Let it. Something tells me you haven’t had a chance to just sit and enjoy something for a long time” Spot said.

He felt his cheeks heat up when Elmer laughed and bumped their shoulders; an action that Spot knew was platonic, but he couldn’t help but feel his heart hammer in his chest. What was he even doing?  
_____________________________________________

“Where’s Elmer?” Race asked as they sat down at their seats.

“He’s with Spot I think, don’t worry” Jack patted his shoulder as he sat down next to David.  
Racetrack tuned them out, trying to search through the crowds for Elmer, but knowing he wouldn’t find him.

“Chill out Race, he’s fine” Albert said.

Racetrack breathed out slightly, and he put his hand to his chest like his heart would fall out when he saw Elmer and Spot walking up the stands to meet them; laughing about something, their tongues and mouths colourful from the food dye.

“See, What did I tell you?” Albert whispered to Racetrack.

“Hey” Elmer said. He sat down next to Race, feeling a lot happier than he had been earlier.

Racetrack shared a look with Spot and he mimed thank you to him, and Spot shrugged his shoulders like it was no big deal. Because it wasn’t really.   
_____________________________________________

Blink was fielding, able to get a good view of the stands from where he was stood; whilst still paying good attention to the game.  
He spotted his friends, his eyes landing on Mush, who was cheering wildly. He laughed to himself at his boyfriend’s antics, Mush didn’t really understand baseball, but he still put his whole heart into supporting.  
Then he saw Elmer, smiling brightly and care free. That made Blink feel ecstatic, but he could tell something was wrong. It was different watching the game you loved to play once upon a time, Blink would know.  
He broke his arm once, and had to sit out for an entire month. It had sucked, a lot; so he felt like he could relate to Elmer a little.

Elmer caught his eyes with Blink, and he was itching to get onto the field just this once. But it was obvious that that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.

“I have to go” he said to no one in particular, and he stood up.

“Where?” Race asked.

“Bathroom” Elmer replied, suddenly feeling like he needed to be anywhere but here.

Racetrack was about to get up, but Spot got up before him.

“I’ll go.” He said, and Race let him.  
He didn’t know why, but Elmer would probably rather see Spot more than him at this moment.   
_____________________________________________

Elmer picked up a baseball bat, holding it gently in his hands. He picked a helmet up and put it on, feeling comfort at the familiar weight.

The ball machine started up, whirling in the evening air. Elmer started his stance, letting himself flow freely as he swung to hit that fast approaching ball; and he was glad when he did. Not too bad.

But as more came at him, he struggled to keep a streak and wobbled slightly. Sweat dripped down his brow, his body working over time to keep up with what his mind had set out to do.   
It was humid out which didn’t help him one bit. Maybe he should have gotten some water or something.

He stopped swinging after most of it being unsuccessful. He just stood there, deciding if he just let the balls fly at him, he’d feel a little better.   
He almost fell when he felt a pair of hands drag him away from the spot he was stood in, the balls flying and hitting the fence behind him.

“Thought I’d find you here” Spot said.

“Leave me alone” Elmer picked up his bat and tilted his helmet so it would fit again, he went to get back to his swinging. He expected Spot to stop him, but he didn’t.

“You’re not looking so hot.” Spot commented, folding his arms.

“I didn’t ask you.” Elmer swung and missed again, getting agitated.

“You want some water? We can go and get some-“

Another swing, and the ball hit the fence at the back. Elmer let out a frustrated growl and threw his helmet off his head and onto the ground.  
“What the hell do you want Spot!?” He yelled.

Spot didn’t answer him, just watched Elmer let out all of his frustration and pent up anger.

“No, really, what do you want? You keep coming round and climb through my fucking window! I helped you with your fucking math and you came back! And you’re just here! Racetrack said you ain’t one to stick around, so why do you keep coming back!?”  
Elmer yelled all of this whilst still swinging at the oncoming balls, with no helmet on, leaving him wide open for any flying objects.

Spot thought for a moment.  
“Because I figured you needed a change of scene.”   
He wasn’t going to say that he had pretty much fallen for the guy as soon as he met him. That would make him look lame....did he actually care though? Probably.

“I don’t need you here! I don’t need you coming to me with your fucking pity! And I don’t need you, period!” Elmer pointed his bat at Spot.  
“I just want to play baseball, by myself!”

“It’s a team sport, you can’t play by yourself. You’re in a batting cage.” Spot said, smirking at Elmer.

Elmer gave a glance towards Spot, still swinging and failing miserably at making a hit. He was supposed to be good at this, he used to never miss hits, he had perfect technique.  
He kept swinging, and swinging and swinging-

“Elmer, stop.” Spot said, noticing the toll it was taking on Elmer.  
“Stop!” He yelled again.

Elmer continued though, determined to keep going, even though his body was basically screaming at him to stop.

“For gods sake Elmer! Just stop!”   
Spot grabbed Elmer by the shoulders, turning him around to face him; noticing how out of breath the other boy was.

He didn’t know what to do when Elmer just looked at him, and his eyes welled up, letting tears spill down his cheeks; so Spot did the only thing he could. He pulled Elmer into a tight hug, letting him hide his face in his shirt.

“Don’t get snot on my shirt.” Spot warned, not really meaning it of course; he didn’t actually care all that much.

Elmer huffed out a laugh, his grip tightening on Spot’s shoulders suddenly-  
“M’gonna throw up.” He said, before doing just that.

Spot cursed when some of the vomit sloshed onto his shoe. He bent down and rubbed Elmer’s back.

“Don’t tell Racetrack.” Elmer mumbled, spitting onto the asphalt.

“About your melt down? Or about blowing chunks?” Spot said.

“Don’t say ‘blowing chunks’” Elmer moaned out, wanting to throw up again.

“Well, you did go kind of mental. Do you want some water?” Spot asked.  
He still rubbed at Elmer’s back, but stopped when Elmer shifted. His shirt coming up slightly, and Spot frowned when he saw the marks. He went to lift it up to see more, but Elmer moved.

“Don’t. Who the hell do you think you are?” Elmer snapped, he sighed and rubbed at his temples as he sat down; away from the mess he had made.

It was getting dark now, and the overhead lights turned on, only turning back off again when no movement occurred.

“I’m sorry.” Spot said, knowing he’d overstepped a line.  
“You don’t have to be like that, I’m not gonna leave; what Racetrack said was bullshit. I used to run away a lot, but I don’t know, guess I’ve just grown up.”

Elmer nodded his head, but he wished Spot wouldn’t be so honest with him. He wanted him to get angry and yell, he wanted Race to get angry and yell. He wanted someone to show him some sort of emotion that wasn’t sympathy or pity. And he hated that Spot did that, showed him something that wasn’t that....he showed him how good it felt to just be carefree, and he had probably just ruined that by freaking out and snapping at him.

“Jack said something to me too....” Spot started.

“What?” Elmer asked, maybe he hadn’t made Spot want to run away.

“Elmer, what if you-“

“No, don’t say it. You don’t get to say that...you didn’t even know me! And what would you care anyway!?”   
Elmer struggled to get up, only leaning into Spot for a brief second before pushing himself backwards.  
“Don’t tell Race about this! And don’t even talk to me!”

Spot could tell that Elmer was terrified of the prospect of dying, and he shouldn’t have even started to say what he was going to say; it wasn’t his place.   
He watched as Elmer stumbled away, trying to go as fast as his body could carry him...which Spot noticed was just a determined walk to get away from him.

That was what they both had in common; people left them behind, and Spot regretted everything he had said in that moment.  
_____________________________________________

Racetrack was waiting at the bottom of the stands for Elmer, searching for him as the crowds lessened.  
Blink had been upset that he hadn’t gotten to speak to Elmer after the game, or even before for that matter. Other members of the team had asked where Elmer was, and Race didn’t even know wha to say to them, because he didn’t even know.  
  
He frowned when he saw Elmer walking rather slowly, his head down with no obvious direction to where he was going.  
Race hurried towards him, standing in front of him.  
“Hey, Hey” He said softly.

Elmer tried to get around him, but stopped knowing he wasn’t going to get anywhere. He slid down from his feet onto his knees, Racetrack following him down.   
“I’m sorry...” Elmer sobbed out, his head resting on Race’s chest.

“Hey, it’s okay, it’s alright” Race rubbed his arms up and down Elmer’s shoulders.  
“Just breathe, you’re okay. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“No, no” Elmer said, he fisted at Race’s shirt; like if he let go he’d just vanish.

“What’s the matter? Where’s Spot?” Race asked.   
He looked around the park, not seeing anyone other than a few people who were getting into their cars.

Elmer continued to cry, not caring if he seemed weak right now. He just needed Racetrack to tell him that everything would be okay, even though none of them really believed it.

“You don’t feel good, huh?” Race said. He let his hand reach up Elmer’s back, feeling the heat that radiated from his skin.  
“Okay, it’s okay” he said again.

He could only guess where Elmer had been, feeling the dampness of his hair, and the way he struggled to catch his breath. He cursed himself for not being there when he knew that something wasn’t right.

“Do you think-“

“Shut up.” Racetrack said softly, knowing what Elmer was about to say.  
They’d had the conversation only once before, around a year back when he was really bad.  
And who knew what would happen, but Race knew that Elmer was strong, and that was all they needed.

 


	4. A new beginning with us

  
Milkshakes. It was a baseball tradition to get milkshakes after a game. And here Blink was, without his teammates because they hadn’t felt right carrying out a tradition that Elmer had basically started.

“Blink....” Mush sighed. “Do you wanna go to the arcade or something? There’s still a few hours before my ma’ says I’ve gotta be home.”   
He was trying to lighten up the mood, deflating at the fact that he couldn’t give Blink what he wanted right now.

“I can take you home...if you want.” Blink said.

“No, that’s not what I said.” Mush leaned his head on Blink’s shoulder, the un-touched milkshakes dripping onto the counter.

“I know, I know...it’s just-“ Blink paused....what even was it? From what he was thinking and feeling, he found it stupid. It wasn’t about him.

“It’s just what? Hm?” Mush coaxed. He knew Blink wasn’t one to talk about stuff, but if there was anyone he’d open up to, it was him.

“It’s stupid really...I just...I just want things to be how they were. I want Elmer to be playing baseball, I want us to have to rush to Race’s dance recitals. And I want Davey to be all nerdy, and I want Jack to stop acting weird, and I want Spot to just be an asshole! I want-“   
Blink closed his eyes as Mush kissed him softly.  
“And I want that. All the time.” He smirked sadly at Mush, who huffed out a laugh.

“Not everything stays the same forever, and you know that.” Mush said, he leant their foreheads together.  
“You’ve just gotta roll with it.”

“When did you become so...wise?” Blink teased

“Shut up” Mush laughed. He let go of Blink and took a sip of his shake.

“So...you uh...wanna go to the arcade?” Blink suddenly became shy, an aspect that only Mush could bring out of him.  
He grinned when Mush nodded his head, grabbing his hand and leading him out of the diner.

God, it was like they could control the world together...just this once.  
_____________________________________________

It shouldn’t have been funny, but to Elmer it was; having his head leant on the toilet seat, his stomach twisting and sweat making him feel sticky and cold. He had taken his shirt off a while ago, leaving his body exposed to the coolness of the bathroom.   
He hadn’t told anyone he was feeling like shit, not wanting to be a burden; but as his stomach churned again, and the burning sensation crawled up his throat, he began to wonder if keeping his dignity was worth it.

He spat into the bowl, leaning back and groaning...his body was done turning against him for the night, and he dragged himself up, brushing his teeth quickly to get rid of the fowl taste.

The mirror reflected back at him, a person that didn’t look like him....his eyes sunken, and his complexion pale; the freckles on his face standing out like a white rabbit in a coal mine.   
That was a stupid simile.

“Come on Elmer, get it together.” He whispered to himself. He breathed carefully, trying to regain control of what he had lost.   
“Okay” he sighed....”I don’t need Race, I don’t need Race” he kept saying over and over again.  
He didn’t want to bother anyone, even though he felt really bad.   
His palms were sweaty and he struggled to catch his breath, realising that his body was attacking him in more ways than one. Panic attack.

Stupid Spot for being so interested in him...fuck him. He didn’t need him. He didn’t need anyone.  
Even though he knew it wasn’t true; he needed help.

After a while of standing, his grip tightening around the sink to keep himself upright, he had calmed down a bit; and now he was more tired than angry or scared.   
Elmer dragged himself to his bedroom, collapsing onto his bed and sighing in relief when his stomach didn’t double back on him again. He only wished he’d closed his bedroom window because he was freezing....but what if Spot came?   
He wished he was here...he felt somewhat calmer with the shorter guys presence, he didn’t know why.

“Elmer”

Elmer shut his eyes tightly, his breath catching as he tried to come off as asleep...hoping that Racetrack would go away.

“Elly...” Race said again, and Elmer heard his door close and footsteps come closer; pausing at the window to close it.

“Thanks” Elmer mumbled, knowing that Race had already realised that he wasn’t asleep.

“Why didn’t you tell me you felt this bad. Do you need mom?” Race asked.   
He sat down on Elmer’s bed, feeling at a loss about what to do.

“No” Elmer shook his head, curling in on himself as tears rolled down his cheeks. He was miserable.

He felt the bed dip as Racetrack shuffled and got under the covers, coming face to face with him and smiling sadly in the dark.

“You throw up?” Race asked.

Elmer could feel the heat of Race’s breath because he was so close, and he leant his head against his chest, almost hiding under the duvet to escape the worried eyes.   
He nodded his head this time, knowing he’d get no where by lying.

“You feel warm. You sure you don’t want me to open the window again? Get a cold towel?” Race palmed at Elmer’s forehead, grimacing at the drying sweat.

“Nah, m’fine” Elmer mumbled, already half asleep.

Racetrack should have probably left as soon as Elmer fell fast asleep, but he was terrified if he left he’d never see Elmer open his eyes. He needed to be sure of the boy’s chest moving up and down, he needed to be reassured by the light snores.  
Race fell asleep, one arm draped over Elmer, and the other basically holding himself onto the bed; since Elmer took up the whole double bed, that’s just how he slept.   
Race didn’t mind though, they were practically brothers after all.   
_____________________________________________

“How’d you get back? Thought you were with Elmer.” Jack asked.   
He turned around in his seat on the couch, watching Spot as he took off his sneakers and frowned at the mess.  
“What’s on your shoe?” Jack wrinkled his nose.

“Nothing” Spot said.  
He payed no mind to the dried vomit on his shoes, and instead dragged himself up to his room.

Tonight had been a disaster....except for the fact that Blink’s team had won; not that he’d seen it of course.  
He could only hope that Jack’s football game next week would go smoother.

“What’s up?” Jack stood just outside Spot’s bedroom door.  
“Did something happen...between you and Elmer?” He asked.

“Nothing happened.” Spot said.

He felt like such an asshole for acting that way around Elmer, especially when he hadn’t been feeling great. He shouldn’t have stepped over the boundaries; they weren’t even that good of friends, so Spot must have made it up in his head.

Jack gasped slightly; “You like him, don’t you? The Spot Conlon has feelings for the ever sweet and charming Elmer Kasprzak Higgins!”

“No, I don’t.” Spot defended.

“You so do! Oh my god, wait ‘till I tell Davey!” Jack was practically bouncing up and down on the spot, suddenly feeling giddy.

Spot stormed over to him, knocking the taller boy against the wall.   
“I do not like Elmer! He’s just....he’s just some guy who helped me with my shitty math work!”

“Yeah, and then you fell for him like you fell through his bedroom window!” Jack couldn’t keep a straight face, especially when Spot let him go and went to flop onto his bed.

“I hate fucking feelings. And I did not fall, I’m an expert at sneaking through windows.” Spot grumbled, and he put an arm over his eyes to avoid looking at Jack’s smug face.

“Yeah well, get used to it. I can guarantee you that Elmer likes you back! I mean come on, you practically got him out of the house-“

“And then he threw up on my shoes. Boyfriend material right there.” Spot interrupted.

“What?” Jack suddenly felt the dread of worry In his gut, no longer feeling giddy.

“Yeah, dude can blow chunks.” Spot sat up and looked at Jack.  
“What?”

“Nothing, it’s nothing. Um, sleep well.” Jack made a hurried exit and closed the door.

Spot just looked at the place where Jack had been, his face rolling into a frown at how Jack had reacted.   
Perhaps he needed to know what he was about to get himself into before he convinced himself that he did actually have feelings.

He stared up at the ceiling. Who was he kidding? He was so gone.   
_____________________________________________

Racetrack moved around, and he opened his eyes, realising it was morning and he was still in Elmer’s room. He jumped at the fact that Elmer wasn’t there, and he rolled off of the bed and onto the floor with a thud.  
“Shit” he moaned and rubbed at his side which had hit the bedside table.

“Well done” Elmer said dryly as he walked into his room.  
His hair was wet from showering, and as Race looked at him he noticed that he had gained most of his colour back, and he looked a lot fresher.

“How are you feeling?” He asked.

Elmer shrugged his shoulders; “same as usual now. Don’t worry, I already told mom that I felt like shit last night....and got that look from dad; the one that says ‘you need to be more responsible’...or some shit like that”

Elmer threw his dirty clothes into the wash basket near his door.

“That’s good” Race said, and he stretched and yawned as he stood up.  
“You take your meds?”

Elmer looked at Race and set his voice low to imitate Mr Higgins; “be more independent, you don’t need Race to baby you”

“He’s never said that.” Race said.

“Nah, but he’s thinking it. And yes, I’ve taken my meds. Haven’t you got somewhere to be?”   
Elmer folded his arms and watched as Race fumbled with what to do, before he moved towards the door and nodded, he did have ballet class on a Sunday after all. He paused though.

“What did Spot do?” Race asked, his hands fisting beside him.

“Nothing.” Elmer said. His back was turned to Race as he fumbled with his baseball kit, wanting to put it in his kit bag and never look at it again.

“Don’t do that” Race walked forward and started folding the stuff for him, putting it in the bag and leaving it there.  
“What did he say?”

Elmer sighed;  
“Nothing really, he just thinks we’re friends when we obviously aren’t. I mean, what even...”

“Oh yeah sure, you aren’t friends. Today is the only day you haven’t seen him. And I bet, that if you didn’t go to the game yesterday, he’d have come here again.” Race said.

“Maybe that would have been better.” Elmer mumbled.  
He sat down on his bed, picking up his phone to try and ignore Race.

“Wait” Race said.   
“Either that’s just you being warm, or you’re blushing. You like him, don’t you?”   
Race smiled widely for a moment, before frowning at the aspect of Spot Conlon and his brother....no thanks.

“No! How can I like someone I’ve only known for the better half of a week.” Elmer rolled his eyes at Racetrack and stood up and walked downstairs, Race following closely behind.

“Well you can! That’s how Specs and Romeo are together! And you totally like him! Oh my god!” Race almost squealed, making Elmer jump as they walked into the kitchen.

“Racetrack” a low voice grumbled.  
Race turned around to see his father stood at the kitchen door.  
“Come with me.”

“Good luck.” Elmer mumbled.

Race mimed slitting his own throat with his finger, and then followed his dad into his office.

Sophia yawned as she entered the kitchen, punching Race in the side as she did; causing him to briefly elbow her as he continued to follow his dad.

“Elllmmmeeeerrrr~ What’s this about you liking someone?” She sang.   
She sat down at the table, grabbing an apple from the bowl and taking a bite.

“It’s nothing, and I don’t. It’s just Race being bored” Elmer replied.   
He turned around and looked out the kitchen window, seeing Maria (the youngest sister) playing outside with Buddy; throwing a tennis ball and running around.

“Elmer” Sophia said.

“Sophia” Elmer gritted out.   
He sat down next to her at the table.  
“It’s nothing.”

“Yeah, suuuurrreee.” Sophia rolled her eyes.  
She eyed him suspiciously as she ate her apple, trying to figure out which of the boys Elmer and Race had been talking about.  
Albert? Or Spot?  
She laughed to herself; obviously not Albert...so it must be Spot. Yep; that short guy she’d met the other day.

“What are you smirking at?” Elmer said as he got up.

“Nothing.” Sophia said, her fingers crossed under the table.  
Elmer was always like an open book, and she couldn’t help but giggle when he glared at her.   
This was gonna be fun.   
_____________________________________________

“What do you mean?”  
Racetrack couldn’t believe what he was hearing; he practically collapsed into the chair across from his father’s desk.

“I mean what I said, Anthony. You need to do what I say and prepare for the worst.” Mr Higgins looked at Racetrack.

Race just sat back, watching as his father looked at him with his serious face; the one that calculated your every move.   
“Does Elmer know?”

He watched his father’s eyes divert down to his desk, the shame clear in them.  
“No, and the girls can’t know either...I’m not getting them involved in this.”

“So me, you and mom know....but Elmer doesn’t. Okay, I get you not wanting to tell Maria and Sophia, but not telling Elmer? The person who all this shit is happening to? Why?” Racetrack dared to look at his father in the eyes.

Whenever anybody came into the office, it was so formal, and Race hated that aspect of it. The fact that his dad turned into some businessman, even with his own son....it just made him want to get up and run.

“It’s best he doesn’t know...not yet anyway. We aren’t sure yet, so we just need to keep an eye on him”  
Mr Higgins stood up, walking around the desk to place an arm on Race’s shoulder.  
“Can you do that for me?”

Racetrack nodded his head, feeling at a loss for words.  
He stood up to leave, but not before his dad dragged him into a hug, something that rarely happened nowa days.

“It’ll be okay, I promise” Mr Higgins said.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”   
Race pulled away, walking out of the office and back into the kitchen, seeing how Elmer and Sophia were arguing about something whilst Maria and Buddy had come inside to watch.

“Tony!” Maria rushed to his side, Buddy following closely at her heels.  
“They won’t stop arguing!”

“About what?” Race asked.  
He put on a mask of happiness, not daring to let his siblings see how torn up inside he was.

“Elmer here won’t admit that he likes Spot!” Sophia shrieked as Elmer grabbed her around the waist, using what little strength he had to spin her around.

“I do not!” He yelled over her squealing.

Racetrack bit his lip, trying to keep a smile plastered on his face, and not tell Elmer to calm down and take it easy. He couldn’t be obvious about this.

“Elmer, admit it, you totally like Spot!” Racetrack said.

“Who’s Spot?” Maria asked, and she wrinkled her nose when Sophia and Race made kissing noises.

“Oh my god! Okay, okay! I’ve had enough of you guys, I swear to god!” Elmer huffed and put up his hands on defeat.  
He rolled his eyes as he passed Racetrack on his way out of the kitchen, laughter following him down the hallway as he passed Mr Higgins and went upstairs to his room.

Needless to say, he continued to smile.   
_____________________________________________

The door creaked as Spot gently opened it, and he cursed to himself at the noise he was making.  
He was technically sneaking out, he just hadn’t told Jack or Medda that he was leaving at....10pm on a Sunday night; a school night at that.

“I thought you said you were good at sneaking around?” Jack remarked as he stood in the hallway.

Spot spun around at his voice, glaring as his heart hammered in his chest at being made to jump.  
“Fuck you, jackass” he growled out.

Jack raised an eyebrow at him, but then softened his features.  
“You know, I hear the crazy golf course is easy to sneak into if you’re looking for some late night fun.”

Spot just looked at him, the door hanging as he still kept it open, the creaking noise having died out.

“You’ve got ten seconds to leave before I change my mind about covering for you” Jack said, counting down the seconds on his watch, making his voice heard as Spot quickly left; closing the door behind him.

Spot smirked to himself as he walked down the path. He was thinking about the batting cage again, but thought against that when he remembered last night.  
He figured crazy golf sounded pretty cool.   
_____________________________________________

Elmer was laying on his bed. He had a slight headache, but it was barely anything so he decided to ignore it.   
He stared up at his ceiling, the night having come quickly for him....and he felt a piece was missing from today.

There was a bang at his window, and he jumped slightly. Ah, there it was.

“Open up”   
The voice was mumbled by the glass, and Elmer debated whether or not actually getting up; but in the end, he did.

Elmer pushed the window up, grabbing Spot’s hand and helping him in and over the desk.  
His palms were slightly sweaty, and he made sure to rub them off on his sweats; coughing anxiously as Spot turned around.

“You feeling okay?” Spot asked.

Elmer hummed in affirmation.

“Okay good, cause I’ve got a date plan” Spot said, and he stuttered over himself slightly.  
“I mean, not a date, I mean like a..a um...well you know-“

“Spot, what is it?” Elmer laughed, finding Spot’s ramblings cute.  
Since when did he find him cute?

“Crazy golf?” Spot said, holding up tow mini golf clubs and golf balls.  
Elmer hadn’t even realised he’d brought them up with him.

He smiled at Spot, taking one of the sticks in his hand.   
“Sure thing”  
Elmer let Spot lead the way out of the window, and he was thankful when Spot helped him down as much as he could.

The fresh night air greeted them, and Elmer couldn’t have pictured a better moment to make up for lost time.


	5. Was this it?

  
The early hours of the morning were when magic things happened. That’s the stories that Elmer remembered as the whispering of his mother’s voice; and he closed his eyes, willing for his headache to go away.

“Your turn” Spot said.  
He leant on the small golf stick, wobbling slightly where he stood.

Elmer put on a smile, focussing on the ball  
as he swung and he laughed when he completely missed. He playful glared at Spot for laughing a long with him.  
“I told you I suck at golf! Even if it’s crazy!”

“You weren’t kidding”   
Spot laughed harder at Elmer’s shocked look, and he leaned slightly into Elmer as they both sat down on the fake grass.

“So, sneaking into a crazy golf course...never thought I’d do this” Elmer said.

“Yeah well, I’m full of surprises. Like, for example-“ Spot dug into his jacket pocket, getting out a packet of Nerds and throwing them up before catching them again.  
“Want some?”  
He frowned slightly when Elmer shook his head.

He watched as Elmer looked up at the stars, his breath visible in the cool night air.   
“You cold?” Spot asked, kicking himself when he realised that Elmer was just in his sweats and t-shirt.

He shook his jacket off, wrapping it around Elmer without a word. Then they both sat there looking up at the sky, wondering what the future held, and how they would grow.

“You know, my mom used to say...she used to say...” Elmer paused slightly, realising that he couldn’t remember.

Everyday he tried to remember his parents, and he knew it was mostly impossible; especially because he had been so little, but he still tried either way.

“My mom used to make the best apple pies” Spot said, picking up where Elmer had left off.  
He felt Elmer looking at him, so he carried on.  
“We had this apple tree in the back garden, and shed pick em, and I’d help her peel em’.”   
He wasn’t going to say any more though, he didn’t like talking about his mom because that always led to his dad...and he hated the man.

“I like apple pie.”   
Elmer leant his head on Spot’s shoulder.

“You would have loved hers. But Jack’s mom, Medda, she’s great”

“I know Medda, she used to make this cake when we all hung out at Jack’s; it was great.”

Spot leant his head on Elmer’s as he fiddled with a piece of grass that had poked up through the astroturf; the soft curls grazing his cheek.

“If you could go any where in the world, where would you go?” Spot asked.

Elmer thought for a moment before breaking into a wide grin, and he sat up; Spot missed the heat on his shoulder.  
“The beach. I’ve been when I was a kid, but I wanna go now, you know?”

“Well Elmer, I wanna’ go to the beach with you”   
Spot stood up, holding out his hand for Elmer to grab and he pulled him up with him.

“You’re weird” Elmer said, his nose wrinkling as he looked at the other boy.

Spot rolled his eyes, and he got caught up in the moment, feeling awfully out of place at what he was about to do.  
He listened as Elmer spoke, something about baseball and dance recitals, as well as Buddy and how the dog had chewed up his favourite baseball when he was younger.   
He leaned in, grabbing Elmer’s face gently and kissing him.

“What-“ Elmer mumbled, and he pulled away slightly, still close.  
“Why would you do that?” He whispered, but he didn’t protest when Spot kissed him again.

Spot savoured it; the way Elmer tasted of mint from brushing his teeth earlier, and medicine; Spot thought it reminded him of the medicine you’d have when you’re a kid, and it made him smile at the memories.

“Spot” Elmer said, pulling away again.  
“We can’t.”

“Why?” Sport asked softly, wrapping his arms around Elmer’s waist as Elmer leant his arms around his shoulders.

“We just can’t.”   
But Elmer didn’t mean it, not one bit. He was just scared of bringing another person into his life, probably only to let them down.

“I’m not scared” Spot said. “You shouldn’t be either. Just let it go.”

And he did. Elmer let himself have this one moment, and he leaned in again, their noses touching.  
Yeah, this was what he wanted, so he’d take the time to enjoy it.  
_____________________________________________

Race bolted upright in bed, sweat beading on his forehead.  
Nightmare.   
He got them a lot...too often for his liking.

He shivered as he recalled what had him so scared....the thought made him want to throw up; he didn’t want it to come true, he couldn’t be speak about it because, the worst part was that it could come true.

The duvet did little to comfort him, so he stood up and breathed in, trying to calm himself down.  
He walked out of his room into the lit corridor; his parents always kept the light on, especially when Elmer got sick. You can’t exactly find your way to the bathroom in the dark.   
That made Racetrack frown as he walked to Elmer’s room.  
He paused outside the door, listening as he heard the knocking of wood, and the sliding of a window shutting.

Of course, he should have guessed; but when he went inside, he was surprised at what he found out.

“So, Spot been around again huh?” Race asked, trying to seem casual as Elmer jumped at his presence.

“Um no...I uh, we...we went out.” Elmer said.

“What? Like, out out? Into the outside out?”   
Race felt like an idiot when Elmer gave him that look; the one that read ‘you’re an idiot and overbearing’.  
Yeah, he got that a lot.

“Yes Racer, out out. You know, cause I’m a person and that’s what people do.”  
Elmer turned his back, rolling his eyes as he tried to make himself busy; he just wanted to sleep.

Race didn’t know what to say to that, but he knew he’d made a mistake as soon as he opened his mouth;  
“You’re not normal people, El”

That had done it.

“And what the hell Is that supposed to mean?”  
Elmer was challenging him, daring him to say what he was thinking.

“You’re...” Race knew it was make or break now.

“You’re not right, Elmer. You have to be careful with what you do because anything could happen! I mean, what if you got sick and I wasn’t there? Or worse, what if next time you go into the hospital, you don’t come out?”  
Race would never admit to being hysterical, but he honestly couldn’t care less at this point.

He expected Elmer to throw at fit at him, yell at him about letting him be independent and that he didn’t need Racetrack at all; but Race felt even more guilty for shouting at him when he didn’t react that way.

“Did you have another nightmare?” Elmer asked.

And of course he would know; they’d grown up together, meaning Elmer knew when he wasn’t right.  
And Race would bet anything that Elmer had the same dreams; the ones where he left everyone behind....

Race breathed out when he felt Elmer wrap him into a hug.  
“I’m not going anywhere.” Elmer whispered.

Racetrack knew that the strongest person in the entire world was right here; the guts Elmer had to make a promise like that was what kept Race going Bach’s he knew how scared Elmer actually was.

Terrified at the fact that he’d never be 100%, and the fact that no body knew what was actually wrong with him....always having to hang on the edge of life with the thoughts of ‘I wonder if I’ll wake up tomorrow’ and ‘what if I catch some random bug and I’m down for the count’  
It wasn’t fair.

“Just let it go” Elmer said, and Race let himself cry, just this once.

He was tired from being strong all of the time, tired of having to support so many people; and he knew that Elmer respected that about him, even if they got into arguments about it more often than not.

Elmer stood there, listening to the wet sounds of sadness, and feeling the dampness on his shirt.  
He had been given a good night, so he’d now let Race have a night of relief where he wouldn’t have to put up walls.

He decided he wouldn’t tell anyone that his head was actually pounding, and his joints ached. That part could wait for a while.   
_____________________________________________

“What are you thinking about, Jack?” David asked.

They were laying on the hood of Jack’s van.   
It was clearly a bad idea since it was so late, and they had school in the morning; well, it was technically morning now, but it was still dark. It didn’t count if they hadn’t slept yet.

“Spot snook out”

“Again?”

“I let him, it’s all good.” Jack sat up slightly, looking at David.  
“I’m pretty certain he likes Elmer”

David sat up at that, smiling slightly.  
“That’s...good? Right?”

“In a way....it’s just-“

“You don’t want Spot to get hurt, I know. The guy can stand on his own two feet, Jack; maybe it’s Elmer who needs all the help he can get. And if that means we all sacrifice a piece of ourselves, then so be it”  
David said it like the answer was simple, and that was what Jack loved about him.

“You’re so smart” Jack said.  
He leant their foreheads together, wondering if one day, he might actually know how David thought of these things.

“It’s simple really” David mumbled.  
“The world can’t be that cruel.”

Oh, if only David knew how wrong he was.

“You’re coming to my football game this week, right?” Jack asked, he squeezed David’s hand.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world” David said.

The stars continued to look down at them, calculating the next steps of life.   
_____________________________________________

There was something about mornings that Spot really loved. Perhaps it was something to do with the fact that each one resembled a fresh new start, and for him, it meant the world.  
He stretched as he sat up in bed; it didn’t bother him that he had only gotten about three hours of sleep because, he had done something remarkable.  
Regardless of the fact that he wasn’t a touchy-feely person, he had been able to admit to himself that taking the shot had been worth it.

He smiled to himself, remembering the feel of Elmer’s lips on his, and the laugh that was still ringing in his ears.

Yep, definitely worth it no matter how cheesy it sounded.

~

Now Jack on the other hand, he wasn’t a morning person.

“Jack, Jack wake up. We’re gonna be late for school”  
David shoved Jack hard in the shoulder, startling his boy friend awake.

“M’up, m’up!” Jack said, and he stretched hugging into David’s side.  
“Five more minutes”

“Yeah, no. I have a test this morning, and I promised to let you stay the night as long as you drove me to school”  
David got out of bed, smiling to himself when Jack starting whining.

“Daveeeeyyy~ you would have let me stay even if I didn’t drive” Jack said.

He rolled over and looked up at the ceiling.  
There was one thing he and Spot had in common, even if Jack didn’t like mornings; they both believed in fresh starts.  
_____________________________________________

The room felt like it was spinning in circles, and it felt hot; like burning in a furnace hot.  
And that was by no means an exaggeration.

Elmer sat up slowly, hoping that he’d feel better if he got up and set about doing something, and he’d throw banter at Racetrack as he left for school, and help Sophia find her socks because she was always forgetful, and he’d plait Maria’s hair because he was good at that; and it would be a normal morning.

But he didn’t feel better. At all. His stomach churned and his head throbbed; much worse than yesterday. His vision was fuzzy in some aspect, like he was looking through a straw.  
And that’s when it him; the undeniable pain his stomach, and didn’t that just add insult to injury because he already wanted to throw up.

Elmer’s body went to auto pilot, and the next thing he knew, he was leaning over the toilet and throwing up like his life depended on it; because the one thing he was good at by now, it was perfect aim and not making a mess everywhere.

The panic set in, along with the clear discomfort of not feeling good. And when he thought about it, how long had he been asleep? Was it already morning? Had everyone already set about their day? Was he alone?  
His breathing quickened, being terrified at the fact that if he was alone then what would he do?  
Oh god, he really didn’t feel good. Like the first time he had gotten real sick that year back, and it scared him. Was this it?

His eyes slid closed, trying to calm his breathing, and he jumped slightly when he felt a hand on his back; his ears ringing as they registered the noise.

“....Elmer, El, hey, Elmer!”

His eyes shot open; ‘get it together, get it together’

“Elmer!”

“Yeah, m’fine” Elmer mumbled, his head lolling to the side.

“Mom! Mom!”

Shit, Elmer knew that voice...he searched through his surroundings, and it clicked.  
Race wasn’t supposed to find him, he wasn’t supposed to know he didn’t feel good; he had enough on his plate.

“Hold on Okay? It’s okay” Race soothed, rubbing his back.

Elmer got confused at that, he was fine right? He still had coherent thoughts, he just felt really, really bad.

“Mom!” Racetrack shouted again.

It didn’t take long for Mrs Higgins to rush in, and Elmer felt more hands on his back and he flinched at the coolness of them.  
He wanted out, he didn’t know what was going on.

“M’stomach hurts” Elmer mumbled, and he opened his eyes into slits when he was pulled back against someone’s chest.  
They smelled like Race’s aftershave, so he figured it was Race.

He heard some yelling; something about keeping Buddy out of the bathroom, something about phoning Mr Higgins, and what scared him most was the frantic speaking of someone on the phone.

“Elmer, hey, hey” Racetrack whispered in his ear.  
“What’s wrong huh? You gotta tell us what’s wrong”

Elmer shifted slightly, trying to get more comfortable, but really, how comfortable could you get on a bathroom floor?  
He whimpered when his head pounded, and he felt so sick, like he could probably throw up for an eternity.

Racetrack looked up at his mom pleadingly, silently begging her to do something, but she looked so scared, and that scared Race.  
He shook Elmer’s shoulder, trying to keep him awake.  
“What did you and Spot do last night?” He asked quietly so his mom wouldn’t hear.

Elmer smiled at that, despite the pain.   
He forgot about the question when more people rushed into the bathroom, and Elmer’s head spun even more, and he wished that the people in green would leave him alone.

A grunt escaped his mouth as he felt someone press onto his stomach, and he heard the beep of what he guessed was a thermometer; and he shivered when his shirt was removed and some sticky things were placed on his chest.  
This couldn’t be good, he’d done this before. Just breathe.

“You holding out on me?” Race tried to joke.  
Oh good, Elmer was glad that Race was still there.

He managed to let his head turn upwards, and he looked at Race.  
“Played crazy golf...” he took a breath   
“Totally kissed him”   
He smirked at Race, and he huffed out a laugh when Racetrack said “right on” and fist bumped him.

Then Elmer cried out when someone moved him, causing him a great deal of pain. He wanted Race, he wanted to be okay because he had promised that he would be okay.

What was even happening?   
Was this it?


	6. Admitting defeat

 

“Marco! Polo!” Blink said, sliding over the bonnet of Jack’s van. Which was hard since it was high up, and he fell, bumping his side and wincing.

“You do know you’re supposed to say ‘marco!’ And then somebody else says polo.” David said.

“Marco.” Blink grumbled.

“Polo!” Mush yelled as he approached them, practically bouncing when he and Blink made eye contact.

“Sickening.” Spot whispered to Jack when Blink and Mush kissed. 

Jack just laughed at him, kissing David’s cheek before they all set off for class when the bell rang; unusually punctual.

____________

By now it was lunch, and everyone was noticing the lack of Racetrack, and Albert for that matter.

“You guys know where Racer is?” Jack asked. David was reading a book beside him.

“Nope.” David answered.

Romeo and Specs shook their heads, and Blink and Mush shrugged their shoulders; so nobody really knew.

“Spot?” Jack asked, knowing he had been round at the house most recently.

“No, I don’t know where Race is.” Spot said as he idly fiddled with the stalk of his apple.

“Bet you’d know where Elmer was.” Jack grumbled under his breath, but Romeo heard him and he grinned.

“What’s this? Has Spottie got a little crush!?” Romeo teased.

“Another word, and I’ll break your nuts.” Spot practically snarled, and Specs glared at him when Romeo visibly paled. 

“Asshole.” Romeo said good naturedly, anger was never his strong suit. 

They all sunk into a comfortable silence as they ate, the occasional sarcastic comment being thrown across the table.

They all looked up when Albert walked over, a concerned look etched onto his face.

“What’s up, Al?” Blink asked. 

Albert sat down, taking a breath;

“I just got off the phone with Race, he said that El got taken into hospital this morning-“

“What?” Spot said out loud, a little louder than he wanted. He had meant to keep his distraught thoughts to himself, like usual; but Elmer had gotten to him.

Albert looked at him, putting a hand on his shoulder;

“It’s alright, I mean, it isn’t, but he’s okay for now. Racer said he’s stable, but the docs still don’t know what’s up.”

Jack slammed a fist down onto the table, and David put a comforting hand on his arm, rubbing up and down.

“So....he’s okay right? Like, he’s fine, so nothing bad is gonna happen. Right?” Romeo said, his eyes becoming shiny from the tears.

Albert didn’t say anything, knowing better than to make promises he couldn’t keep. 

“Race said he’d call us when Elmer wakes up, and we can speak to him; so he must be okay.”

“Spot, you okay?” Mush asked.

Spot’s fists were curled and tight, his jaw moving as he subconsciously ground his teeth in silent anger. He didn’t say a word when he stood up and left the table, and everyone watched him as he left.

“I should-“ Albert started, following Spot outside at a distance.

Blink watched Spot leave, and empty feeling in his stomach, and he put on a brave face for Mush and the rest of their friends; but he wasn’t okay. Elmer was his best friend, and they hadn’t talked for a while, and it made him guilty, so he’d be sure to make up for lost time. He had to, for Elmer’s sake. 

_____________________________________________

“Not a word, red-head.” Spot said, pointing aggressively as he turned around face to face with Albert.

He started pacing, and he kicked a trash can over, causing a group of girls to look their way.

“Spot-“ Albert tried, but Spot shrugged him off. “Calm down, he’s fine.”

“He ain’t though! I’ve not even known him that long, so why is getting to me? I shouldn’t care!” Spot yelled, frantically trying to make sense of his feelings.

“Because you like him....I knew that ever since you came to Race’s for the first time. You just, had this look about you.” Albert said.

He sat down and Spot stopped pacing to sit next to him.

“You got any smokes?” Spot asked, only referring to his bad habits in times of distress.

“No. And Race would kill you if he caught you smoking, especially if you’re gonna be hanging around Elmer a lot more.” Albert leaned backwards against to wall, watching the sky.

“And why would I do that? El is annoying.” Spot said.

“Yeah, sure he is.” Albert laughed, and Spot suddenly felt a weight lift;

Elmer would be okay; he had to be.

_____________________________________________

 

“Raaaacccceeeerrr~”

Race groaned and sat back in the uncomfortable hospital chair. The doctors had Elmer on some weird ass drugs, some new trial treatment to strengthen his immune system, and get his body back into fighting shape against whatever it was that he had. The consequence of which was an ‘out of it’ Elmer, and no matter how funny it had been to Race at first, he was now bored of it, wishing that Elmer could just go home already. 

“How many fingers do I have?” Elmer mumbled, and he started moving his hands around until Racetrack grabbed them.

“Stop.” Race said, a serious look on his face. 

Elmer’s head lolled to the side, rubbing his forehead into the cool pillow.

“That’s good....”

Racetrack rolled his eyes and sat down on the edge of the bed, moving Elmer’s fingers about in his hands, counting the lines on his palms.

“Do you feel okay?”

“M’fiiiiinneee...” Elmer replied, he started giggling and Race huffed out a slight laugh. 

“You look weird.”

“Thanks, you don’t look so good yourself.” Race said. 

He watched as Elmer’s eyes closed and his breathing evened out, feeling relief wash over him. The doctors said the effects would where off soon, and then he could go home, hopefully.

The fever had gone down, and it was most likely the drugs making sure Elmer’s stomach was hurting anymore; so Race hoped the pain would be gone when he woke up again. It was only a matter of time. 

_____________________________________________

It was evening now, and Mr and Mrs Higgins had gone home with Sophia and Maria after they’d seen Elmer again; knowing that he hated it when someone stayed over with him. He didn’t want to burden anyone.

“The doc says you’re in here for two days, tops.” Race said.

He unfolded a blanket and put it one the pull out bed, and he watched as Elmer’s bead lifted up from the pillow to see what he was doing.

“Go home, Racer.” He mumbled, and he put his head back down, the dizziness swarming over him. He really wished he hadn’t taken that trial treatment; it may have been fun at the time, but he was now feeling the after effects. Like always. 

“No way am I going home. My cars outside, so if you want a shake or anything, I can go and get one; clearly hospital food isn’t any good.” Racetrack said as he motioned towards the plain toast that hadn’t been touched since dinner. 

“M’gonna throw up....” 

That got Race’s full attention, and he gave Elmer a bowl, but he just looked at it blankly, and Racetrack rubbed his eyes in frustration;

“I’m trying here, El.”

“I don’t want you to try. I want you to be back to normal, and not worry about me. I want to be at home in MY bed, and then go to school.” Elmer said; he would have shouted it if he had the energy, he was just so tired and he couldn’t place why. 

“There’s not even a year left of school, it’s like what? Eight months-“

“That’s not the point, Race! Our friends don’t even speak to me! I haven’t seen any of them since the baseball game, and before that, we hardly spoke! They’re not even my friends, Race!” Elmer was yelling now, his body over working to keep up with his anger. 

Racetrack didn’t know what to say to that; and he never would. 

“I need you to understand that I don’t feel good, and I don’t remember what it feels like to be me....I miss me.” Elmer said, and he was looking down at his lap, a few tears spilling over and down his cheeks. 

“They miss you, El....they’re just scared, that’s all.” Racetrack put a comforting hand on Elmer’s back, rubbing up and down in a soothing motion.

“I’m scared too.” Elmer said, and that made Race worry even more because the only things up to now that Elmer had ever been scared of were peanuts, (since he was allergic), and swirly slides; so hearing the person he admired most say that....well, Race couldn’t help but feel his heart break a little. 


	7. The conversations in between

 

Spot was laid on his bed and staring up at the ceiling, resting his arm hind his head and letting his other arm dangle down at his side. It was a position he usually occupied when he was thinking, and he’d been doing a lot of that lately.

“You didn’t come down for dinner.” Jack said as he stood in the doorway. The two of them seemed to be having lots of conversations like this recently.

“I wasn’t hungry.” Spot said. He sat up; “have you got 5 dollars? I’m thinking of going to the store” 

Jack glared at him, rolling his eyes and walking closer towards the bed, hitting Spot’s leg so he could sit down.

“Don’t avoid the subject.”

“And what subject would that be? The one about math? Or the one where I asked for 5 dollars, and you didn’t answer?” Spot said sarcastically.

“You’re stalling and it’s not healthy.” Jack said.

Spot got up from his bed, suddenly feeling uncomfortable in his own space. 

“You want twirlers?” He asked, clearly avoiding the elephant in the room. He dug out some change from a box that he kept on his desk.

“Spot, just stop for a second; can we just talk about this!?”

“About what? About the fact that I’m fucking crushing on some sick kid, and I can’t get the sweet taste out of my mouth? Or the one where I’ve started listening to recordings on YouTube of blackbirds singing, because he can’t sleep without it? So tell me Jack, tell me how bad I’ve got it, tell my how fucking hopeless I am, and how I’m chasing after something that’s only going to end in shit, because that’s how it.always.ends!” Spot was breathing heavily, and he hadn’t realised that Jack had gotten up and backed away.

“Spot....” Jack was at a loss for words; he could never read the shorter guy, never being able to grasp the violent thoughts and emotions.

“So, you want twirlers or not?” Spot said lamely, and he walked passed Jack, stopping for a second to leave room for answers.

“Yeah....yeah I want fucking twirlers.” Jack said. He knew that Spot didn’t want him to go with him because, he knew the guy just wanted some space. But he had expected some sort of response to his nagging, but he still received nothing as Spot walked away. 

So, that was the end of that then. 

_____________________________________________

He was tossing and turning, not being able to sleep. Elmer had gotten Racetrack to go home to get some sleep; they’d had moments like this before, when Elmer had been in hospital a few months back, and Mrs Higgins had stayed over a lot, but Elmer didn’t want anyone to stay over with him, not really.

He liked the freedom, not being suffocated by worried glances and questions like, “how are you feeling?” When his answer would always be “not too great but not bad.”

A nurse had come by and given him an I.V, something to help calm him down and keep him comfortable, since he had admitted that his stomach was hurting him again. The doctor had been and done his last rounds for the night, and Elmer had been surprised to have actually been spoken to directly about him; telling him that they were waiting on confirmation for the diagnosis they had come up with; written it on his chart and everything; and that he should get some sleep and they’d discuss it tomorrow. He wasn’t too worried though.

Elmer didn’t know how to feel about that; did he actually want to know? Or would he just be content with going on how he was, not having to fear the label that would eventually he put on him. He didn’t know quite yet; but he figured it would put everybody else’s minds at ease, and he could handle that. 

He had never been angry at the fact that the doctors had no answers; it had only been a year after all....but they should have definitely figured it out by now, but Elmer had always figured he was weird, so that was now just kicking into play. But they had said that they had a diagnosis, so that was good news; right?

“Elmer, honey, do you want a snack or anything? I get off of my shift soon, just checking up on the patients, you know?” Lucy, a nurse that Elmer had known for some time since he got sick.

She smelled of raspberries, and she was sweet; if Elmer didn’t like guys so much, he figured he’d like her.

“No thank you.” He answered her, smiling like he hadn’t done for the last hour. 

“Are you in any pain? You want some water or anything?” Lucy stood in the doorway, since the room was a private one; Elmer was thankful for that.

“I’m-“ what would be the use in lying anymore? “Not really, but I feel kind of sick....” 

The nausea seemed to be constant symptom now, as well as running a low grade fever that liked to spike to high degrees every so often. 

“Okay, I can get something for that. Are you anxious, honey?” Lucy asked, she approached him, putting a gentle hand on his forehead, and he leaned into the cool touch. 

She tsked, “your fever isn’t as low as I’d like it to be; what does your chart say?” She said it, but it wasn’t a question.

Elmer watched as she unhooked it form the end of the bed and read it, her eyebrows creasing into a frown.

“What is it?” Elmer frowned as well, and the two of them looked at each other. 

Lucy put the chart back;

“I’ll get you that glass of water, and something for the sickness.” She said, and she left the room; Elmer couldn’t see the tears that dropped down her cheeks. 

_____________________________________________

The night air was cool, and Spot thought about crazy golf and the kiss....god, he was sounding so sappy that Elmer would probably have made fun of him for it by now. 

He hadn’t technically lied to Jack about going to the store, he had just seemed to stumble to the hospital at 8pm on this fine evening....but he hadn’t expected to see Blink stood outside looking resigned.

“Oi, eye-patch!” Spot called, his mood lightening when Blink stuck up his middle finger at him. 

“What are you doing here?” Blink asked, he pushed himself up from the wall, his hands still in his pockets as he walked over to Spot.

“Just walking, you know....” Spot looked towards the hospital doorway that read ‘outpatients one’, would that be the right way to go? 

“If you’re wondering where he’s at, it ain’t through there. There’s a private wing around the corner, you can get to it through the outpatients bit; there’s direction signs.” Blink said, noticing how Spot’s eyes searched around the parking lot and along the the several entry ways that were scattered around. 

Spot looked at Blink; “And you would know that because?” 

“I’ve been there once or twice.” Blink said it like it was no big deal;

“There’s this nurse there, Lucy, she lets us and the guys in to see Elmer when he’s there. She’s nice.”

“Right....and what makes you think that I’m here to see El?” Spot put his hands into his hoodie pockets, the small, plastic store bad handle cradled around his wrist.

“Because I’m pretty sure nobody but Elmer actually likes to eat sherbet by itself.” Blink said. He could see cotton-candy coloured packet through the thin plastic;

“And if they’re peanut m&m’s, you’re gonna wanna get rid of those-he’s allergic to peanuts.”

Spot raised his eyebrows, not having thought about other issues like that. 

“We had Nutella once the other day.”

“That’s hazel nuts, they don’t bother him.” Blink said.  He didn’t mean to come off as rude, but ever since Spot had met Elmer, he was sort of jealous at all the time they spent together. Blink knew that he could have made more of an effort, but he didn’t really know what grounds he stood on around Elmer anymore. Were they still best fiends?

Spot rolled his eyes; “smart ass. Okay so, why are you here then?” He knew that Blink obviously hadn’t seen Elmer; the guy tended to avoid all conversations that involved him at school. “Did you guys fall out?” 

“No, I haven’t spoken to him to fall out with him. And I’m not talking to you about this; just, don’t wake him up if he’s asleep....he can never sleep without-“

“Those stupid blackbird recordings from YouTube? Yeah, I know.” Spot said.

They both broke out into small smiles, a truce suddenly forming between them. 

“Here.” Spot gave Blink the peanut m&m’s; “you can have em, since I don’t wanna kill the guy.”

Blink tensed up slightly, but kept it subtle enough that Spot didn’t notice.

“See you later, Spottie.”

“Fuck you, eyepatch.” Spot threw back, and Blink rolled his eyes at him as he walked away, leaving Spot stood in the parking lot, feeling a little lost at where to head first to try and get to Elmer’s room.

One thing was for sure; he couldn’t climb in through the window. 


	8. It would be worth it

The lights were still on, meaning that the majority of the household were awake; with the exception of Maria, since she was younger and tired out from being upset at the day they’d had. They all were.

Racetrack was laid on Elmer’s bed, looking up at the glow in the dark stars that were on the ceiling. He found comfort from being here, the familiar surroundings providing him a place to think; even though Elmer wasn’t here....he didn’t like that aspect.

They couldn’t stay up late and talk about random things like when they were kids because, Elmer just slept a lot. Racetrack missed the times when they’d both stay up after lights out, sneaking into each other’s rooms to talk about everything and anything; always leading to what they wanted to be when they grew up. 

Elmer used to always say he wanted to be a marine biologist and study sharks; but that dream faded out....Race didn’t know what his brother wanted to do now.

“Racetrack, my office.” His dad said as he peered around the door, Elmer’s dressing gown swaying as he left.

Race sighed and stood up, knowing that it wouldn’t be anything good when his dad started being formal.He followed him downstairs, watching the man’s steps act so hesitantly as they reached the office and closed the doors.

“I have a meeting with Elmer’s doctor tomorrow, he wouldn’t discuss it over the phone with me.” Mr Higgins said.

Racetrack felt a little hole at that, but his dad’s face deterred him from hanging onto it.

“But that’s good, right?”

“I don’t know Racer, I don’t know. I don’t want us to get our hopes up to be let down again. Your mom has a meeting at work, so she won’t be there when I go. And no, you can’t come, this shouldn’t be on your shoulders anymore; and I’m sorry for ever insisting that it should have been.” Mr Higgins watched Race’s face twist into a frown. 

“Okay, but he’s my brother....I want to be involved. If they’ve found something, you’ll tell me, right?” Race asked, he needs to know that his dad was on his side with this. He couldn’t lie to him about Elmer, he wouldn’t.

Mr Higgins didn’t say anything to that, so Racetrack decided to ask the question he’d been pondering upstairs.

“Dad....do you think Elmer could go back to school? Just for a little while at least.”

The room went silent for a moment, the clock interrupting as it ticked away the seconds into minutes. 

“Did he tell you that that was what he wanted to do? Because there’s precautions we’d have to put into place, he still isn’t well, Race...you know that, and it’s not good to think that because he tells you he feels okay, because the next day he might-“ Mr Higgins stopped talking, having experienced to many situations where he’d had to prepare his family for the worst.

“I know. But just for a little while? He misses normal....he said that he missed being himself.” Race said. 

He bit his lip, but smiled slightly as his dad smiled.

“We’ll see what the doctor says tomorrow, and then i’ll decide; and I’ll have to talk to your mother about it. Goodnight, Race.” Mr Higgins said, and he smiled when Race stood up, feeling a little lighter.

_____________________________________________

Even after the talk with his dad, Race still found himself in Elmer’s room. He couldn’t sleep. 

“His rooms cleaner than yours.” Sophia said as she quietly stepped in, making Race jump slightly.

“It’s cleaner than yours.” He replied.

Sophia sat down on the bed, reading the posters on the walls that she’d seen thousands of times. Her favourite always having been the one with the times tables on....Elmer had always helped her out with her maths homework, and even now, it just held good memories. 

“Soph....you um-“

“Why are you home Racetrack? You shouldn’t have listened to El when he told you to come home. He’s scared of the dark you know.” Sophia said. 

“No he isn’t.” Racetrack would definitely know that, wouldn’t he?

“You wouldn’t know that though; he always said when you were kids that you were the one that chased all the monsters away. I remember him telling me all of the secrets you guys had shared, one time when I wasn’t feeling good. What do you think it’s like to feel bad all of the time?” Sophia was wise for her young age, knowing when to ask the right questions, but Race didn’t know the answer this time.

“I don’t know, I’ve never asked. Do you think he’s happy? I mean, despite circumstances....” Race let the question slip out; he still hadn’t found the answer to that either. 

Sophia stared straight ahead as she spoke; “Two weeks ago, when it was just me and him at home, he said he was happy.” 

“That was when he felt pretty crappy, right?” Race asked, and Sophia nodded in reply. 

“That’s what I mean though, he says things to make people happy, but I want to know if he’s okay....I need to know.”

“Then why don’t you just ask him?”

Racetrack had never done it before....ask Elmer if he was okay without the aspect of sickness creeping in. Their conversations mainly ran on the theme of how bad Elmer felt each day, and never just generic conversation. It was wearing them both down, and they needed a change of pace. 

“When he gets out, and after we hear news from the doctors, we can go back to normal, right?” Sophia was looking down at her hand now. Race looked at her, bumping their shoulders together.

“It depends, but we’ll see. I hope.” 

Hope was a strong word. 

_____________________________________________

Hospitals always freaked Spot out. The clean smell that invaded his senses, and the sounds that triggered a fatal warning every so often; it wasn’t his favourite place in the world, that was for sure. But he was here for a reason, even though he had yet to figure out exactly how he felt about this whole situation. Or better yet, how Elmer felt. 

A young looking nurse approached him; “Excuse me, are you lost? Need any help at all?” She asked.

Spot looked blank for a moment before it registered; “Yeah, I’m looking for Elmer-ugh, I mean, Elias....Higgins?” He asked. The nurse giggled slightly;

“I know Elmer, he’s a good kid. And who might you be?” She looked Spot up and down, a curious look upon her face. 

“Spot, ugh, Conlon. I’m a friend of El’s. Can I see him? I mean, I can come back if it’s too late, but I haven’t seen him all day and-“

“You aren’t too late at all. Visiting hours are an open policy in this wing, to a certain extent of course, you know, if the patient needs rest. Elmer is....well, he doesn’t sleep well here, so you can see him. Maybe you can get him to sleep.” She said.

Spot looked at her to search for a name, and we she realised, she spoke;

“Oh, right, my name is Lucy. I’ve been Elmer’s nurse for about a year.”

Spot liked how polite she was, and her personality seemed caring, a factor that Spot lacked experience in. He nodded gratefully to her as she led him to Elmer’s room. 

“Hey, um, how do you know I ain’t just some randomer?” He asked.

“Because there’s something about you, Spot; I can’t quite place my finger on it.” Lucy said, and she shut the doors as she left. 

Spot just shook his head slightly, turning around in the room that was only lit up by the TV.

“Hey.” He said, his hand raising slightly, making the plastic bag make a low, rustling sound. 

Elmer’s head turned in his direction, and Spot could see, even in the low light, the paleness....paler than usual. 

“What’s with the-“ he gestured to his own nose, and Elmer reached up to his;

“Uh this? Nasal cannula.” Elmer turned back to watching the TV, and Spot could see now that it was playing Jurassic Park. The Lost World, or three, he couldn’t quite tell. 

“Why?” He asked. He walked closer, leaning on the bed slightly as he tried to figure out which Jurassic Park movie was playing; definitely one of the old ones, that was for sure. 

Elmer moved one of his hands to gesture as he spoke. “O2 stats are low apparently. It’s no big deal.” 

“No big deal? Yeah, sure, it’s no big deal. This is though.” Spot pointed at the TV; “why are you playing number three? The Lost World is definitely the best.” 

“No way, number three is the ultimate Jurassic Park film. The velociraptors are the best in this one.” Elmer said, he smiled when he looked at Spot who had probably ignored his argument, then he peered over  and into the bag. 

“Is that sherbet?”

“Um, yeah, it is; but I don’t give sherbet to people who think that Jurassic Park three is the best one in the series.” Spot laughed when Elmer hit him with one of the pillows, the smile on his face practically brightening the room. 

Elmer leaned back, his breathing kind of heavy, but if you weren’t listening carefully then you wouldn’t have noticed. Spot stood awkwardly for a moment, not really knowing what to do with himself.

“You wanna watch?” Elmer asked.

“Heck yeah.” And Spot sat on the bed, it was the biggest hospital bed he’d ever seen, and he’d seen quite a few throughout his childhood-when he visited his mom a lot. They didn’t have the kind of money that the Higgins family did though. 

He shuffled into the headboard, letting himself relax as he swung his legs onto the bed.

Elmer was stay up cross legged next to him; his shirt hiding the wires that Spot could see through the material. So this wasn’t just a normal hospital stay; so whatever had happened this morning had everyone spooked.

“That’s so unrealistic!” Elmer said loudly, his shoulders bouncing as he sighed. “That guy would have been dead ages ago; and I say this every time! Racer just says the guy is invincible.”

Spot snorted out a laugh; he couldn’t imagine Racetrack watching these sorts of films; more like Baywatch or Cars. 

Elmer laid down now, a heavy breath escaping but he relaxed a second later, like the hard lines in his face hadn’t even been there; but Spot knew.

“You don’t have to pretend to be okay on my account; I can go if you wanna sleep.” He said. 

“No....I don’t want you to go, I can’t sleep here anyway.” Elmer looked up at him through half lidded eyes. “And I am okay....it just hurts sometimes, my stomach, and an ache everywhere. It’s no big deal.”

Spot shuffled so he was laying face to face with Elmer, and he reached out to trace the lines on his face, smiling slightly when Elmer relaxed into his touch.

“Guessing your head hurts then. My mom always used to do this for me when I got migraines.”

Spot saw how Elmer dozed off slightly, so he stopped;

“Keep going....Stay.” Elmer’s hand grabbed onto his, and Spot let him. 

“You’re warm.”

Spot let his other hand trail to Elmer’s forehead; “Yeah, so are you. Do you feel cold? Cause’ you basically feel like a furnace.” 

Elmer laughed, but his eyes still remained closed. Spot liked how real it felt, and how real Elmer was. It sounded stupid, but he has forgotten what it felt like to be this close to a person, to be able to reach out and latch onto them so they wouldn’t fade away. He figured that Elmer felt the same way, since one of his hands held onto the front of Spot’s shirt, whilst the other held his hand. 

Spot wasn’t surprised when Elmer didn’t say anything more, his breath evening out in sync to the whistling of the nasal cannula. He watched in the low light how Elmer didn’t move, and that was an unusual aspect, since he basically moved all the time. He went to turn away to leave, but he couldn’t make himself leave because, Elmer didn’t want him to. He cursed when he felt him stir.

“You ain’t gonna climb through the window are you?” Elmer mumbled. “Pretty sure it’s higher....please don’t go.” 

Spot definitely couldn’t leave now, so he was here to stay. He let one of his arms draped over Elmer, protecting him from the dark and the lies and the hurt because, he needed it, and Spot needed him; he just didn’t realise how much that was going to hurt him yet, but it would be worth it, in the end. 


	9. Diagnosis Ain’t Always A Good Thing

The sun sent rays through the gaps in the curtains, forcing Spot to open his eyes. He tried to roll over, but realised he couldn’t.

Elmer.

As he woke up more, Spot realised he was practically buried under one pair of legs, an arm and half a face. No wonder he was boiling. He got a look at Elmer’s face, realising that the nasal cannula had been removed at some point during the night. Spot was surprised that he hadn’t been woken up then, since he was a light sleeper; he smirked though, remembering that Elmer was probably the deepest sleeper he knew.

The door opened and he jumped slightly, causing Elmer to roll over in his sleep, and off of Spot, who frowned at the loss of contact; even if it meant he was more comfortable now. 

“Sleep well?” Lucy asked as she walked in, opening the curtains all the way.

“Must have...I didn’t wake up.” Spot replied. He sat up and Elmer seemed to move like he was attached to him, his arms moving to circle his waist.

Lucy smiled at them.

“You wake up a lot during the night, Spot?” She asked.

Spot moved his hand in a ‘so-so’ motion, not really up to talking about his lack of sleep with some random nurse he’d just met, let alone Elmer’s nurse. 

Lucy sat down on a chair beside the bed, not getting too comfortable.

“I guess Elmer has a calming presence on people. I know his brother always stayed a lot.” She said.

Spot could believe that; since Racetrack spent most of his time around Elmer. So, why hadn’t he stayed last night? 

Lucy stood up now, checking the time.

“You’ll probably wanna be gone before Mr Higgins gets here.”

Spot, still trying to wake up, got out of bed and asked;

“Why’s that?”

He noticed that Elmer was unhooked from all the wires from the day before, but he still looked sick. Maybe Spot hadn’t noticed it before, or maybe he had....

Lucy knew she shouldn’t have said anything, but she was relived;

“It’s diagnosis day.” She said, but her expression was anything but pleased.

Spot swallowed nervously.

Oh, great.

_____________________________________________

Breakfast was the meal that prepared you for the day ahead, but Race hadn’t expected this. His family being scattered in different places and going on like normal; like it wasn’t the biggest day of the year, or something like that. 

His dad had left a little while ago, with the promise that he’d call him as soon as he knew what was happening....so that’s all Race was going on for now; granted a day off of school to get his head together.

“Toni....” a small voice said, and Race looked over the table to see his little sister, Maria.

“When’s Ellie coming home? I miss him....” she said.

“Its only been one night, Maria.” Racetrack sighed. 

“Today, hopefully.”

Sophia walked in, hugging Maria when she threw her arms around her.

“Be a little more empathic, Toni.” She scowled at her brother.

Now Race felt even worse.

“I’m sorry, I’m just stressed out.”

Sophia nodded in understanding. “We all are. I’m sure everything is fine.” 

Racetrack wouldn’t count on it because, when had anything been ‘fine’? He was done with his hopeful antics, taking his dad’s advice from last night, and deciding to face reality this time.

_____________________________________________

He couldn’t breathe. It was like all of the oxygen in the room had been sucked out, and the eyes staring at him. God, he just wished he could leave and go somewhere else. Anywhere but here. 

He tuned back into the conversation involuntarily.

“....many people associate it with the heart stopping, but it’s actually the heart not working as well as it should. So Elmer, your heart isn’t functioning properly.” 

And that was okay? That definition made it seem better? No, it didn’t. It all made him even more scared. 

“....we call it ‘pump failure’. So your heart muscles have become damaged in some aspect, meaning that they no longer contract normally. The sickness you’ve been feeling for so long is most likely from a virus, something we’ve all discussed before; but up until now, we’ve only just discovered this heart defect.”

The doctor paused to make sure that Elmer and Mr Higgins were following clearly.

“These things are usually picked up at birth, but the issues can develop in young adults. Your heart beats too slow, which has been causing fatigue, as well as the virus on top of that; well, none of it makes for a good combination. It all points to a heart being an inefficient pump.” 

So the explanation was over, and the tricky part was coming, Elmer knew that much, but it didn’t make it any easier to deal with. 

He suddenly felt even more tired from the news, wanting nothing more than to definitely run away now. Maybe he could get Spot, and they could go somewhere that wasn’t here....that seemed like a good plan.

Mr Higgins spoke up;

“What do we do?” He asked.

“Some treatments are more....simple? You could say, than others. The obvious ones being to change your diet; less fatty and salty foods. For your condition, Elmer, with ‘pump failure’, which is caused by too slow a heartbeat, you’ll need a pacemaker; which we put in place with surgery. It reminds the heart to maintain a normal heart-rate.” 

Elmer couldn’t believe it, it had just been a virus....that’s all it was, surely. This couldn’t be happening to him, not really; he’d never wronged anyone, he’d done nothing to deserve it.

He wasn’t one for faith, but maybe if he had had a little, he wouldn’t be in this mess....

“Okay, so what are the first steps of this?” Mr Higgins asked, he put a comforting hand on Elmer’s shoulder. 

“Well, medication is certainly advised. I recommend we start you off with ramipril, which is an ACE inhibitor; it allows the blood vessels to relax, so your heart can pump more blood around your body. We aim to bring up your O2 levels, as well as monitor the damaged muscles.” The doctor was making perfect sense, but Elmer wished that he didn’t understand, for once in his life, he wished he was stupid. 

“What if this medication doesn’t work?” Mr Higgins was full of questions, but Elmer wished he would just shut up.

“If it doesn’t work, there are other meds we can put Elmer on; but have some hope, Mr Higgins.” 

Elmer coughed slightly, and sat up a little bit more; he figured he’d have to speak sooner or later. 

“What about the...pacemaker?”

The doctor looked at him before he answered;

“It’s a simple procedure, nothing to be too worried about, Elmer. The device sends electrical pulses to your heart so it has a regular beat. It’s put in under local anaesthetic, which means you’ll be awake, and it takes around an hour; and you can leave the day after, just like that.”

Elmer nodded. That was good news, right? Wrong.

“There are some risks we need to discuss. For example, because your heart issue has been detected so late, it means there is a chance that these treatments may not work; and your heart condition may deteriorate.” The doctor explained.

Elmer felt Mr Higgins’ hand tense on his shoulder.

“If this were to happen, then we’d have to discuss more serious options, such as a heart implant.” 

Of course that would be in the details, Elmer’s life wouldn’t have just been that simple....it never had been. 

The doctor used his mouse to scroll on his computer, reading switching that Elmer couldn’t see from his chair. 

“Ah, here we go. There’s a place for the pacemaker surgery next Wednesday.” The doctor looked up at Mr Higgins and Elmer.

“I do recommend it, it’s for your safety and health.”

It wasn’t like he had a choice anyway, and it wasn’t as if he would have turned it down. But what if he did? Just so he could have one moment of peace without popping pills constantly, just so he could breathe a little easier.

“That’s perfectly fine, we’ll be here.” Mr Higgins said, and Elmer nodded.

“Excellent. We’ll contact you if there are any changes, but I doubt there will be. Here are some leaflets on coping with all of this information.” The doctor handed Elmer the papers, which he looked at with distaste.

“Thank you for you persistence.” Mr Higgins said, meaning it too; thankful that they had finally gotten somewhere.

Elmer swallowed nervously, shaking the doctor’s hand before he followed Mr Higgins out and to the car. 

The two of them sat there in silence for a while, just listening to their own breathing. It was a blip that has landed Elmer into the hospital, but a blip that meant he had gotten diagnosed at last.

A small part of him wished that he hadn’t.

“So....” Mr Higgins said, his voice soft; a tone that Elmer hated. 

“Don’t tell Race.” Elmer suddenly said.

“What? Elmer, that’s not fair-“

“No, I mean....I’ll tell him. I....I want to tell him. After all, it’s no big deal right? I’m not dying, it’s fine.” Elmer said; a fake sense of hope seeping through. 

They both knew that that was a lie. This whole thing wasn’t anything to underestimate because, it was a lot worse than they could have ever imagined. 

“Okay.” Was all Mr Higgins said.

The two of them had never been much of talkers about these things ever since Elmer had gotten sick. 

“You know you’ll always be my son, Elmer; even if you ain’t really by blood-“

“Don’t be going soft on me, old man. I ain’t going no where.” Elmer said.

Mr Higgins smiled at that; always proud of how strong Elmer was, and thankful for the moments the two of them got to share whenever....even if this time it was because of a negative situation. 

“You’ll see, it’ll be fine.” Elmer said.

Because what else could he say? 


	10. It’s no big deal, high school musical is the best movie in the franchise

It was warmer, but Spot couldn’t help but feel cold towards the world today; like his old self. It was like slipping into an uncomfortable pair of jeans that he’d kept locked away for years, and the belt was buckled up too tightly, so he couldn’t escape. Walking in a world full of sunshine with icy cold steps.

“Where the hell have you been!?” 

The familiar words laced around him, and he turned around to face Jack. Maybe he should have just skipped school all together today, and not bothered to come in late. 

“Come on, like you hadn’t guessed.” Spot replied. 

Jack raised a cautious eyebrow at him, picking up on the tone of voice as one to back off and leave Spot alone for now, so he did. Taking David’s hand and walking off, leaving Spot to brew with his storm alone in the hallway.

He heard footsteps behind him, and then a hand on his shoulder.

“You know, usually those visits are supposed to leave you all happy and glad you got to see him again.” Blink said.

“You don’t look so hot? What’s up?”

Spot turned to face him, not wanting to be the bearer of news that he didn’t have all the answers to....but what had Lucy said? 

“Diagnosis day?” He said, but it came out more like a question.

Blink patted his back;

“Diagnosis day, buddy.”

Yeah, it was. 

_____________________________________________

Home. It was bitter sweet.

“Ellie!” A high pitched voice squealed and Elmer felt arms wrap around his waist. His sunshine. 

“Elmer.” A sigh of relief for her, a breath of fresh air for him.

The sniffing of his favourite dog around his feet;

“Heya Buddy~” he leaned down to scratch at the Golden Retriever’s ears.

Then the moment that he wanted to crush with his bare palms.

“Elmer, it’s good to see you.” 

Racetrack. 

A name that left him more breathless than any stupid heart condition ever could, and didn’t that just suck? What was he supposed to say to the person he leaned upon, the person that looked at him like he held the sun....he was Race’s sunshine, but how could he tell him that he felt like he wasn’t as bright as he used to be?

He couldn’t.

Small reunions making him smile with all sincerity, but left him tired; so he had retired to his bed at some point, the home within a home. 

His family must have gotten the message that he wanted to be alone, because he was. Had Mr Higgins told them all yet? Or was he supposed to do it? He didn’t think he could.

There was a knock at his door; “El....can I?”

Elmer nodded, not going to deny Racetrack a safe place to grieve....grieve for the loss of what was his, or perhaps it was something that Race hadn’t found out yet. 

So he wanted to know, and Elmer would give him that much. But not now. Now, he just wanted to sit in silence; with Race at the foot of his bed, whilst he was laid down and pretending to grasp his youth, like the old times he and Race just used to fool around because, that was what kids do.

“Dad said you wanted to talk to me?” Race asked, his voice hesitant.

“Not now, Racer....” Elmer said, and Race just nodded-allowing him this one moment of space. 

Race wiped at his nosed to hide the fact that he had been crying just minutes earlier, because he already knew, of course his dad had told him....just like he’d told the rest of the family, leaving it up to Race and Elmer to leak the information out further to their friends. 

But if Elmer wanted to tell him, then he’d act like he had never come across the toxic information if it would help Elmer feel some-what better with himself.

“Hey, you uh...you wanna go back to school next week? Mom and dad said you could....” Race said. 

His words weren’t as comforting as he thought because, Elmer didn’t answer him, just seemed to curl up into him self, and Race watched helplessly as his shoulder shook with heavy sobs.

“I...I can’t do it..” Elmer cried, and Race was quick to shuffle up the bed to bring Elmer into his chest to protect him.

Should he still pretend that he didn’t know?

“I’m sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry” more sobbing and Race didn’t know why Elmer was apologising....not really.

“I’m sorry...”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay....it’s alright.” Racetrack said, Elmer’s hair tickling his nose as he breathed. 

The wet noise of snot and tears making both of them cringe when Elmer sniffed, and Race laughed slightly.

“That’s gross, dude.”

Elmer sat up and wiped at his face, his hoodie sleeves now damp. Race watched as he played with the hems, twisting and turning them as if to re-write a happy chapter. 

“I thought I could tell you, but you already know anyway, so that’s good....”

“How’d you know?” Race asked.

“Because you aren’t bugging me with questions, or getting mad and kicking everything in your path. You’re an angry guy, Race....s’how you deal with all of this shit. The rest of us just cry.” Elmer explained.

They bumped shoulders together.“But this time you cried....why did you do that? I’d much rather have had you kicking and screaming again....”

“Yeah well, that was a year ago Elmer....I’m not angry anymore, just tried.”

Racetrack sat there, comforting his brother....trying to. They could read each other like nobody else could; not even Albert knew Race that well, and they were best friends.

“I wanted to tell you myself, but I can’t do it Race....I can’t let you down again.” Elmer breathed as the weight on his chest loosened, trying to leave him with every word he said.

“You could talk to me about, now we both know.” Racetrack looked at Elmer hopefully. 

Race was smart, not matter what people said; he wasn’t stupid. Elmer smiled, a small smile, but a smile none the less. 

“I could....”

Yeah, yeah they could talk to each other and a problem shared is a problem halved; even it meant that the problem was part of him, so he’d have to take out the stitching and give it to Race, and then they’d be threaded together through out a history; a story made for two people to share, jut their little secret. 

“I’m tired, Race.”

“Me too....”

The little words that swarmed them, but meant that they both got things off of their chests.  

"I’m probably not gonna get better.”

“I know.” Racetrack replied, their silence almost deafening. “But you can try, we can try, because you’re not alone in this. We’re all rooting for you, El.”

Man, it was weird to talk because, they never usually did it; but it seemed to help.

Racetrack stood up and pulled Elmer up with him.

“Come on, mom made lunch....well, late lunch.”

Elmer nodded, and for the first time in a while, he felt hungry....truly and properly hungry; ready to conquer this thing head on because the people who loved him were there, like they always had been.

It wasn’t until now that he just remembered that he wasn’t alone in this.

_____________________________________________

“You guys wanna skate later?” Albert asked, his skateboard in his hand as he walked to the others who were laying in the grass.

School was over for the day, and they all had taken to just laying in the sunshine.

But Elmer wasn’t there, neither was Racetrack....Or Spot for that matter.

“Nah....” Blink answered, and the others nodded.

Albert pouted and resigned to sitting down with the others, idly looking up and the clear sky, not a cloud in sight. That sucked. What were they supposed to do whilst they waited? They couldn’t paint clouds into the sky to watch. 

“Anyone heard anything from Race yet?” Specs asked, and everyone shook their heads.

“He ain’t replying to any messages, and I texted El a few times too, but he ain’t answering either.” Blink said.

But that was the thing really, he didn’t know whether he’d prefer that Elmer didn’t text him back at all. They’d grown distant these past few months, and he just....he didn’t know what to do about it.

Jack stood up and put an arm around Albert;

“Let’s go skating, for old times sake!”

They all smiled, knowing that Jack was in fact, a terrible skater. Albert shoved playfully;

“You’re on, Kelly!”

Romeo sprung upwards and Specs laughed when he pulled him up. 

“I’ll race you!”

And the two of them sped off towards the skate park.

“Wait up!” Albert called after them, rubbing across the grass to catch up with them, along with Jack and a reluctant Davey behind.

“You coming, Blink?” Mush asked. He watched as Blink just shook his head, a thoughtful expression on his face.

“I’ll catch up in a minute, babe.” He said, and Mush nodded his head, collecting his things and following after the others.

Blink decided he just needed some time collect himself; even though they hadn’t been told anything yet, he couldn’t stop thinking about what Spot had said this morning, and how they’d most likely all be informed on what was happening eventually.

That was a scary thought.

_____________________________________________

Climbing through his window was one thing, but pebbles? That was just ridiculous.

Elmer opened his window and leaned out, glaring down at Spot; because of course, who else would the culprit be? 

“What are you doing? You’re gonna get us both in trouble!” He whispered harshly.

Spot just shrugged and held up what looked like three DVDs....weird.

“High school musical? I borrowed them from Romeo, he won’t mind!” Spot called back, already scaling the tree and coming face to face with Elmer at the window.

“Hi.” Elmer said.

“Hey....” 

Spot climbed through as Elmer stepped aside, only slightly subliming over the desk.

“Seriously though, how have your parents not heard me come in? Like, ever?”

“It’s a big house? I’m always asleep? Pick one.” Elmer said, and he felt himself begin to relax from the day’s events, even if it hadn’t been a drastic thing....it was to him. 

Labels weren’t ever a thing he’d been fond of, so to have a diagnosis sitting on him....it just made him feel restricted.Spot was looking around the room for something, and making a noise of confirmation when he found Elmer’s laptop.

“Called it! Math geeks have laptops to play Dragon Age on, or something, right?”

Elmer rolled his eyes, taking the laptop from Spot and sitting down on his bed. 

“No, that’s just what Davey and Mush do.”

Spot snorted and sat next to Elmer, putting the first disc in. In his opinion, the first high school musical was better, and he’d fight any one who said otherwise.

“I think the third one is the best. The songs are just better.” Elmer said.

Okay, perhaps not everyone; he would spare Elmer.  About half an hour into the movie, Spot stated to feel anxious with the topic he wanted to discuss.

“Are we gonna talk about, you know what?” He asked.

He cringed inwardly when Elmer just looked at him, is expression upset but understanding.

“Well, the doctor said that-“

“No not that....the other thing.” Spot said. 

The other thing? Elmer tried to think, having always been forgetful, but then he blushed when he realised what Spot was referring to that.

“Oh right....that.”

“Yeah, that. The other thing can wait; you can tell me whenever you want.” Spot said.

Elmer was surprised by that because, he had expected most of his friends to have messaged him by now, begging for answers as to what the doctors had said to him, and if he was feeling any better. The answer to that always being ‘no, but thanks for asking’ since he wasn’t gonna build any bodies hopes up.

But Spot was different....laid back and letting life pass him by whilst he sat in the middle so the turning tables wouldn’t affect him. It was a breath of fresh air, and Elmer didn’t want that to ever end.

“So the golf course thing....” Spot started.

Elmer looked at him, his chest filling with a giddy sensation;

“Yeah?” He said.

Spot rubbed at the back of his neck;

“Well, Yeah...we kissed and then we didn’t really talk about it....”

“That was because I took a hit, Spot.” Elmer said. He hadn’t meant for it to come out in an offensive way, and he saw how Spot pulled back a bit.

“Yeah....you scared me, man.” Spot said.

God, he was casual about this; even better that Elmer’s ‘it’s no big deal’ policy, which he used on a regular basis.

“I’m sorry.” Was all Elmer had been saying all day, and he knew it wouldn’t be the last time that he’d say it.

“Why are you sorry? It ain’t your fault. Fucked up things happen sometimes. It wasn’t because I’m a bad kisser, was it? Because I haven’t had any complaints on the passed so-“

Elmer shoved him lightly. “You’re such a dick!” 

And they both laughed, making sure not to be too loud that they’d draw attention to themselves.

“It’s a good job they let you out because, I might have just died form boredom.” Spot said.

Elmer raised an eyebrow at him, “I thought I was boring because I slept all the time?” 

Spot pretending to think for a moment;

“Well....you do have a point.”

“Wow, Okay.” Elmer laughed, shoving him again, but this time, Spot grabbed his hands and pulled him closer, their noses almost touching.

“I’m just saying-“

Spot was shut up as Elmer kissed him quickly and then pulled away again.

“Happy now?” Elmer asked, his tone playful.

“I’m not sure, maybe if you-“ and another kiss shut Spot up again, this time lasting a little longer.

“Yep, I’m pretty pleased with myself.”

“Arrogant.” Elmer just said. “We’ve basically just missed the best few minutes of the movie.” And he re-directed his attention back to his laptop.

Spot watched as Elmer tried to ignore what he’d just done, his cheeks red, and Spot couldn’t help but think that it was adorable. He was content with going back to the movie, until Elmer began to speak.

“It’s basically heart failure, but it’s honestly no big deal. I’m gonna get a pacemaker, something like that....and it’ll be fine.” Elmer said. 

They sat quietly for a moment, despite the movie still playing; Elmer having just told the first person who wasn’t family, but making sure he had been honest but kind, and Spot let the information sink in. 

“Okay.” He said.

“Okay? What? No questions or anything? That’s it?” Elmer was surprised with the lack of response.

“You want me to repeat what everyone else’s reactions have probably been? Shocked? Sad? Angry? I’m all of them, El....but you’re more important so that’s no big deal.” Spot said.

Elmer smiled because he’d never gotten that reaction before, and it seemed like Spot was sincere about it too. Like if he had gone up to him in the streets and told him, he would have just brushed it off and then invited Elmer for ice cream or something. That was a good thing, the breath of fresh air that Elmer savoured in his little bottle of home.

He looked down as Spot grabbed his hand as he carried on watching the movie, and Elmer took that as an invitation the lean back against him. It was nice.

“Just saying, the first movie is the best, and I swore to fight anybody who said otherwise; but I can’t fight a sick kid so....” Spot said.

That earned him and elbow in the side and a laugh that filled the room with sunlight and the smell of cherry soda. And odd thing to think about, but hey, he was an odd guy.

 


	11. a week goes by, and you hit him?

The stereo was going, vibrating through the air with rock melodies; the sun beaming through the window as Blink was brushing his teeth. The news had come as a bit of a shock, how Elmer wouldn't be contributing to baseball at all, and for the most part, ever again; but that wasn't important, it wasn't about Blink or the team, it was about helping Elmer out and getting him back into the swing of things. Elmer had been back at school for around a week now, and Blink was happy, he was....but he wasn't entirely comfortable with any of it. He didn't want to keep shooting worrying glaces every time Elmer so much as took a staggered breath, or stumbled slightly, or freakin' looked sickly. It was supposed to be okay, even Racetrack had said so, that Elmer was a lot better now that he had the pacemaker; which had been in fr a week now, and the meds were showing signs of improvement, so why was his chest filled to the brim with that on the edge, anxious feeling? He picked up his bat and gear bag from his bed and set off downstairs;

"Ryan, is that you honey?" His mom called from the kitchen. Blink rolled his eyes, who else would it have been? His brother was at college, and his sister was....well, she was gone. 

"Are you gonna' take these cookies to school? I baked em' yesterday, but you didn't touch any. They're your favorite." She tried to coax a smile out of her son, but it was getting harder these days.  

Blink wiped at his face, turning towards his mom. "The peanut-butter clusters?" He asked, a small smile crawling onto his features.

"Yes dear, I know how you like em'. Save some for Elmer, won't you? God only knows that boy needs his strength." 

And there it was, the gnawing ache in his chest again. Everyone was stuck on the topic of Elmer; Elmer this, Elmer that, boy I sure hope he feels better soon. He was sick of it. Sick of his best friend being sick, and sick of how well Spot had gotten to know him in such a short amount of time; Blink craved for normal, where the crowds would cheer their name when they hit a home run....an unstoppable team. It wasn't the same anymore, and he wasn't okay with that. 

"Blink?" His mom asked, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

"Hm? yeah, I uh-"

"I know how tough this is on you, what with Elmer being sick....like your sister was. It's okay to still be grieving." His mom allowed room for him to breathe, but he still felt like he was drowning. 

"It's been five years, I should be over it by now. And Elmer's allergic to peanuts. I'll see you later." Blink was out the door as fast he could without seeming rude, his mom watching him go with a sad expression. 

* * *

 

"Dude! It's like you have a super power!" Romeo said, poking Elmer gently in the chest, still not used to the protruding device. 

"Cut it out." Elmer laughed though, grabbing Romeo's hand and pushing him away playfully. 

He was feeling a lot better, he swore he was; but he was still tired, and if he could just skip school for the day, then he would. He'd sit in a field somewhere and look up at the sky....alone if he could; just him and his thoughts. The nausea was still under all of the wraps, clawing at him, and that sense that left him nervous and waiting for something to happen. Surely it wasn't supposed to feel like this. 

"Elmer, you coming? Math, man; you love math!" Mush said, and he guided him away from his clouded thoughts and to the classroom. Maybe he and Race could talk more later, so he could get his head together, like they had promised each other. 

Classrooms were still overwhelming to him, and the smell made him gip slightly; it wasn't calming at all. White board pens and gridded paper that made him feel dizzy, and the walls seemed to be closing in on him. Every time he set foot here, he was met with memory of passing out a year ago after the baseball game....Romeo finding him. He remembered the panicked voices, and the flurry of people; the crying and the anger....Race's face. He'd never forget that face. So you see, school wasn't exactly going well, he just kept his head down and did as he was told, giving everyone the impression that he was fine....but he wasn't. 

"Elmer, perhaps you could solve this equation?" The teacher asked, holding out the white board pen, and Elmer gulped down nervously and nodded his head. He knew the answer, of course he did. Mush and David watched with hopeful expressions as Elmer made his way to the front but they both frowned when he flaked out and left, leaving a confused atmosphere in his wake. 

* * *

 

He couldn't breathe, oh god he couldn't breathe. It was funny really, how pathetic he was being; after all, he'd faced a lot worse things in his lifetime, so school wasn't a big threat to him....except it was. The hallways to crowded, the cafeteria too loud, and the gym making him feel like a waste of space. Racetrack had biology right now, and Blink had English, Jack had Chemistry and so did Romeo and Specs....where was Spot? 

"Hey man, you okay?" Blink asked. What was he doing here? "It's the bathroom, man....we all pee here, or whatever." 

Elmer suddenly felt awkward on top of everything else. He hadn't see Blink all day, and he got the sense that he had been avoiding him. "Blink, do you wanna get coffee or something?" Anything to get his mind away from how bad he was feeling. 

Blink tsked under his breath. "Isn't that bad for you? Caffeine...." 

"Oh, I uh....then i'll get a milkshake or something." Elmer said, a nervous smile upon his face. He and Blink were supposed to be easy going; they'd known each other forever. 

"I'm sorry, what? Elmer, this isn't normal, man....you've gotta stop pretending that it's okay, because it ain't. Come on, we both know that we aren't that close anymore, you could ask Spot for coffee, since he's all over you these days." Blink's tone of voice was frustrated, he knew he shouldn't be upsetting Elmer in any way, he cherished their friendship as much as he did his lucky baseball bat....but he didn't understand. 

"Wow, I should tell Mush that you're acting like a jealous boy friend. Spot and I are just friends, and why would that matter anyway? We're still best buds." Elmer was confused, the crushing feeling in his chest making it harder to breathe; he had to remind himself that it was just the ebbing panic attack. Blink's face had been comforting to see, but now he wasn't so sure. 

"Are we though? Don't kid yourself, Elmer." Blink's fists curled at his sides, praying to god that Elmer would stop being so stubborn. 

Elmer stopped forward; "You're acting like your five, stop." 

"Okay, here's the deal; we just stop talking all together. I don't want anything to do with you, Elmer-"

"Because of your sister?" Elmer asked, his voice soft as he spoke. She hadn't died of some heart condition, it was cancer....but she had gone out in an agonnising way, leaving an empty hole inside Blink that had seemed to manifest itself again recently. It made Elmer feel even guiltier. 

Blink saw red, and before he knew it, his fist had collided with Elmer's face, knocking him to the floor. He watched as his best friend cradled his face; heavy breathing. 

"Hey!" Blink looked up to see Spot; how long had he been in here? He fell back against the sink when the shorter boy hit him. "You like that, eye-patch!?" 

"What the fuck is going on in here!?" Racetrack came in, having heard the commotion from outside. "Shit, Elmer." 

Blink regained his balance; "Yeah, that's right! All hurry to the sick kid's rescue! He's ruining every thing!" He yelled. 

Spot looked just about ready to punch him again, and Blink was thankful that Race had seemed to be on a toilet break too, holding him back. "Stop it, Spot. Take Elmer to the nurse." 

Elmer's nose was bust, and Blink hadn't realised he had hit him that hard. He hadn't meant it, of course he hadn't; it was all just some stupid conversation, where Elmer had caught him at the wrong time, and he had lashed out. He really hoped he could be forgiven....Elmer would definitely let it go, he wasn't one for grudges; but Race would be harder to convince, since he had just hit his brother after all....but he didn't know about Spot, but at this moment in time, he didn't really care. 

He wanted Mush. 


	12. I don’t know, but it’s awesome

The nurse had left the room as soon as Elmer’s nose had stopped bleeding, which had taken a little while but all was well...mostly. Spot ran a cloth under the cold tap and handed it to Elmer.

“That must be a new record. Nice kid returns to school after a year and gets punched a week in. Wait to go you.” Spot said. Elmer payed no attention to him as he savoured the cool cloth. 

He felt a lot calmer, despite his face throbbing, Spot was just good like that.

“Yeah well....Blink ain’t okay.” Elmer said as he shifted to bring his legs up onto the small bed, crossing them. Spot did the same, sitting face to face with him. 

“Who cares? The dick punched you, and you’re worse off than him....you know-“ Spot gestured to his chest; he still wasn’t used to it. 

“Shut up.” Elmer smiled at him, punching him lightly in the shoulder. 

Spot snorted at that and looked down at his lap, fiddling with a piece of cotton that had strayed from the thin sheets.

“Blink is....its complicated. He’s jealous of you, you know? Taking up all my time.”

Elmer laughed at the slight blush that crept onto Spot’s face. Between now and two weeks ago, he and Elmer had been hanging out a lot; just the usual things at first, like sneaking into his room after hours, or getting Race to take them for a car ride because, damn, Spot loved that car. But it was also the little things, like the way Elmer’s face lit up when he said the dorkiest things, and how he brought down his walls around him....it was healthy, he figured he could call it that. 

“Yeah well, he ain’t really been a good friend recently so....” Spot said.

“He’ll come around, he’s just upset; like everyone.” Elmer grabbed Spot’s hand to distract himself from the crawling feeling of anxiety, bending his fingers back slightly. 

“Yeah.” Spot just breathed, watching Elmer mess with his fingers. It was an odd world.

_____________________________________________

“So you punched him?” Racetrack said. He was leant against the wall out the back of the school, watching how Blink cradled his wrist and refused to look at him. 

“Come on, man....that was uncalled for.”

“What? He’s always saying he wants to be normal, might as well treat him like he is and sock him one.” So Blink was still angry at Elmer for bringing up his sister, the twisting feeling in his gut making him not care about what he had said or did. 

Race rolled his eyes, not taking anything that Blink said to heart, since things weren’t how they were, and people were obviously still adjusting. It freaked him out how much Elmer was actually okay with all of this....he was, right? Well, they hadn’t exactly spoken to each other a lot over the past two days; with Race having recent dance competitions....he’d get around to asking how Elmer was later on; or maybe he wouldn’t, and they could just talk like normal, without the weight hanging over their heads.

Blink sighed and sat down, leaning his head back against the wall. “I just want things to be back to how they were-“

“What? A year ago when you and Elmer were the champions of the baseball team, and he would come home and have panic attack after panic attack because, you swore that you guys were still friends, even though you never hung out anymore!” Race could see past Blink, bringing up issue after issue. He acted like he cared, but he never spoke to Elmer all that much throughout this past year....even a few months before it had all happened. 

Blink had a jealous nature. Jealous of Elmer’s baseball skills, and how he had been scouted by big teams; and now it was Spot taking away almost all of Elmer’s attention, even though it shouldn’t matter to Blink because he had done the same thing to Elmer before; ditching him for older friends and Mush. Race liked Mush though, so that wasn’t a problem; he was friends with him and he made Blink a better person all around.

“We are friends Race, I just....” 

“Don’t start this again, he ain’t going anywhere; except to the movies with Spot later.” Race said, and there was another eye roll. 

“Oh my god Blink, If you wanna hang out with him so badly, just talk to him.”

Blink nodded, feeling ridiculous as he came down from his angry streak. What was it even about? 

“Yeah, yeah I’ll do that.”

He was glad that Race wasn’t angry, just annoyed; he really hoped Elmer’s face wounding bruise, but he had hit him pretty hard....man, he was such an idiot.

“Blink?” Mush rounded the corner, hugging his boyfriend and then looked at Race; “is Elmer okay?”

Racetrack nodded and patted Blink on the shoulder has he went to leave; “no hard feelings, man. Just stop being a dick.”

Yeah, Blink could definitely work on that. 

_____________________________________________

“Can you even believe they cancelled the game? I mean come on! I was so psyched up and everything!” Jack flopped down onto David’s couch, his head falling into his boyfriend’s lap. 

“It’s this weekend now though, right?” David asked. He didn’t take his eyes off of the book he was reading; something about medical improvements of the future. 

“Yeah Yeah...they rearranged it. You think Elmer could come now?” Jack thought aloud, and he sat up to lean his head against David’s shoulder; “what’re you reading? Looks nerdy.”

David shrugged, not really know himself; “it’s just medical stuff....makes a good read.”

“Is that why you’re hovering over the heart condition pages?”

Yeah, that was a problem. Ever since David had heard the news, he’d been more determined than ever to educate himself on different heart conditions. He would talk to Race about what he’d found, and then he’d reassure him that his brother was going to be fine....he was doing it because he knew that Elmer would be fine; after all, he was doing better. Back in school, not dying; well, David was being dramatic, but still. 

“Yep, it’s interesting.”

Jack just nodded, too exhausted to talk about that topic anymore. The only person he really spoke about it was to Spot, and even then....well, Spot didn’t talk about, and Jack figured that he didn’t even listen to him talk about it. So he just didn’t anymore. Medda sometimes brought it up, not really knowing that Spot spent everyday with Elmer....only Jack and the others knew that. Now that he thought about it, he figured that not even Mr and Mrs Higgins knew about Spot. That made him smirk. 

“So, game day this weekend?” David said, putting his book down and turning to face Jack. 

“Sure is!” 

Normal was great, and it was what they all needed.

_____________________________________________

School had flown by that day, and Spot was thankful for that. He watched as Elmer prodded at his nose in the mirror, tracing his fingers over the bruising....god, Spot was gonna kill Blink. 

“You don’t gotta keep touching it.” Spit commented from his seat. He had borrowed Jack’s van for the day, allowing him and Elmer to spend some quaintly time together....oh god, were they at that level already? He was making them sound like two old people catching up in pastimes. Wait....was this a date? Oh god, that made Spot suddenly feel nervous, his hands gripping onto the steering wheel.

Elmer tuned away from the small mirror; “it’s not so bad, right? It can’t be, or Race’s parents are gonna ask questions.”

“They’re your parents too.” Spot said, and like the first time he had said that line, Elmer seemed to ignore it. 

“And I don’t want Maria and Sophia asking anything about it because, Blink ain’t a bad person. Could I pass it off for walking Into a door? I’ve done that once-“

“Elmer.” Spot interrupted him.

“Yeah?” 

“You....you’re....they’re your parents too.” He just said, he needed to get that point across to him. 

“Yeah....I know.” Elmer said, and he looked down at his lap. “But I don’t want wanna get comfortable again....not after so many bumps in the road. I can’t let them down.” 

Spot furrowed his brow, looking at Elmer; “why would you?”

There was a pause where Spot could swear the world began to turn slower, forcing him to wait longer for an answer.

“I ain’t been feeling so good, Spottie.” Elmer said. 

He didn’t know how to describe it other than, there was a weight on his chest; a metaphorical one because, the pace maker wasn’t the issue-he was. He couldn’t piece together why he felt so bad, but he had been smiling through it and telling people that he was fine now....but he really wasn’t. Crushing him under the weight of responsibility to not let people down, and to get better, but he couldn’t help but think that that wasn’t possible. He hadn’t told anyone this, and he couldn’t keep it a secret anymore.

“Elmer....I hate to say it but, a pace maker ain’t a miracle worker....you’re still gonna feel like shit. But you gotta have hope, man. I do.” Spot seemed to know it before Elmer had even said anything. 

Elmer looked at him, his eyes seemed to be calculating Spot like the way they looked at stars, finding the brightness in them that shone, but Spot was certain he didn’t have that aspect. He looked down when Elmer intertwined their fingers, the evening light surrounding them. 

“We’re gonna be late for the movie.” Spot said.

Elmer shook his head; “I don’t mind.”

“It’s Deadpool 2, ain’t you a geek for marvel?” 

“No, you picked it; I’d rather watch a musical.” Elmer smiled slightly, and now Spot was calculating him the way he definitely looked at stars because, that was what Elmer was to him. Bright and full of sunshine....he was never really one for night. 

Spot swallowed nervously, still looking down to where their fingers were touching; the stationary van encasing them. 

“You okay?” He asked. He brought his free hand up and rest on Elmer’s cheek-he was always warm.

Elmer leant into the touch; “Yeah, m’fine. Your hands are cold.”

“Yeah well, you’re a freakin’ furnace.” Spot rolled his eyes, and he couldn’t help but lean forward touching their foreheads together. “What are we?”

“I don’t know, but it’s awesome.”

Yeah, it was. 

 


	13. All We Have To Go On

So they hadn’t seen the movie, and that was definitely okay with Spot. They had laid out on the bonnet of Jack’s van and watched the stars, and Spot had given Elmer his yellow jumper; the ‘SuperDry’ logo frazzled at the edges. Despite the inch Elmer had on him in height, the jumper hung on him, and he slapped Spot gently in the face with the sleeve ends....which Spot then tied together which had made Elmer pout but laugh none he less. It had been a good night overall, and it had left Spot grinning like a maniac; the feeling of Elmer still laying in his arms, and his head on his shoulder....

“Oi, Conlon, quit day dreaming and dry those dishes!” Jack said, catching his attention when he hit him with the tea towel. Spot snatched it from him and hit him back.

“Jackass.” He grumbled. 

“What’s got your head in the clouds anyway?” Jack asked. He winced when he plunged his hand into the dish bowl, the water just a bit too hot. 

“Last night, it’s no big deal.” Spot said, still grinning.

“Oh god, you sound like Elmer; ‘it’s no big deal’ all the time.” Jack smiled at that. “You asked him out yet?”

“What do you mean? Doesn’t it just sort of....happen?” Spot asked. He wasn’t an expert at this stuff, but then again, neither was Jack. 

“You have to ask him out! Other wise he’ll just presume you don’t like him like that!” Jack’s hands moved to emphasise the point, bubbles flying everywhere. 

“Well I don’t think that’s gonna happen since I have kissed him a few times.” Spot said.

“What!?” Jack jumped back again; “you sound like you’re better at this than me! It took me ages to even get to that with Davey! You’ve only known Elmer for like, two months or whatever!”

“Jealous, Jackass? It’s different, I guess he needed a change of pace so here I am.” Spot said.

“But do you like him?” Jack wiggled his eyebrows at him, making Spot feel slightly amused but also uncomfortable.

“I guess....” He mumbled. He wasn’t good with words; not unless it was Elmer, he had the greatest of thoughts when he was with him. 

“You so do! You should ask him out, it’s about time anyway. Make it official!” Jack jumped for joy, but then turned more serious; “I know I thought it was a bad idea for you to get close to him, but he’s getting better, right? So you shouldn’t be scared.”

Spot scoffed at that; “I ain’t. Neither is El....it’s just everybody else is terrified of something happening, I just take each day as it comes. And today, he’s still here, so if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to invite him to your game tomorrow and make out under the bleachers to steel all of your thunder. Later, Jackass.” Spot threw the tea towel at Jack’s face, who caught it and didn’t know whether to be relieved or threatened. 

“Go Conlon!” Jack shouted in a football expression, he lowered his head when Medda walked in and gave him a pointed stare as if to say; ‘stop being so loud’....but could you blame him? He was basically on cloud nine! 

_____________________________________________

Elmer felt a lot lighter today, his face easing into his usual smile a lot more freely; he had even agreed to breakfast this morning, eating honey on toast because, why not? A treat once in a while wouldn’t hurt. He was home alone, having convinced Mr and Mrs Higgins that he’d be okay if Maria, Sophia and them went to watch Race compete....he felt good, but not good enough to sit in a stuffy room and watch his brother dance. As much as he missed it, he couldn’t quite get himself to leave the house for things other than school. It made him anxious. 

Buddy came in, sniffing at his feet and then looked up, more than likely catching a scent that wasn’t Elmer’s. The jumper, of course.

Elmer leant down and stroked behind his ears; “it’s okay, Buddy; it’s just Spot you’re smelling....that sounded better in my head. You wanna play outside?” 

Buddy barked at him and bolted down the stairs, Elmer following him with eager.

The bell sounded and Elmer looked towards the front door as he passed, wondering if he should open it or not. It could be Spot, but doors weren’t really his style. He opened it to see an all too familiar face on the other side;

“Blink.” He said.

“Hey...” Blink stood awkwardly. He looked at Elmer’s face, the bruising had faded a little, but his nose still looked sore; there were no stitches thankfully. 

“Hello.” Elmer just said, not really knowing what he was supposed to say. 

“Listen, I-“ Blink was cut off when Buddy jumped up at him, and he scratched behind his ears fondly; “Hey, Buddy!” 

Elmer smiled, knowing how much Blink likes the dog. “Do you wanna come in? I was just gonna let him out, probably throw around a baseball.” 

Blink was surprised at the invite; “I was gonna meet Albert....” he watched how Elmer’s smile disappeared, and he just nodded. “But, I guess a few minutes wouldn’t hurt.

”Yeah?”

“Yeah.” 

_____________________________________________

“Davey, is that you?”

Davey cringed as he opened the front door; his parents and Les were out for the day, and he was supposed to be doing homework, but he had been to get coffee with Mush and work on some maths stuff.

“Yep, it’s me!” He replied back. He came face to face with Sarah in the kitchen. 

“Where’d you go?” She asked; she didn’t even take her eyes off of her phone as she spoke, not needed to see the guilty expression on his face for disobeying their parents rules. 

“Don’t tell mom and dad.” He said. 

Sarah just laughed; “why would I do that? I’m glad you grew a pair and actually went out. Anywhere nice? If it was with Jack, I may have to punch him.”

“It was with Mush, we got coffee-wait, what!? Don’t punch him!” 

“I’m kidding, little brother!” She laughed. Sarah leaned back in her chair at the kitchen table, putting her phone down; “how’re you doing?” 

“What do you mean?” David asked as he busied himself around the room, pouring himself a glass of lemonade from the fridge.

“Elmer....” Sarah said. 

“I’m fine....well, as fine as can be. He’s doing okay, I think. Jack is worse off than me, he lives with Spot, and he and Elmer are real close so....” David explained.

“Not to be rude, but I don’t care about everyone else stories, Dave...they’re not my brother, you are.” 

David rubbed the back of his neck; “I don’t really know yet.” 

It all still hadn’t really sunk in yet, but he was working on it. 

_____________________________________________

Blink was getting bored of this. He was sat on the grass watching Elmer, who was sat on the small garden wall, his feet touching the floor, throw one of his old baseballs for Buddy; who eagerly caught them and chewed on it a bit before bringing it back to Elmer.

He missed how they once used this garden to practice their throwing techniques on the weekends and sometimes after school....but it had now dwindled down to basically nothing.

Blink stood up and walked over to Elmer, an idea in his head; “you wanna go to the batting cages? We can get Albert to meet us there, since I was supposed to meet him earlier.” 

Elmer thought about it for a moment, not really feeling up to it, but Blink was hanging out with him and they hadn’t spent time together in ages. So he mustered up what little energy he had left since this morning, and stood up; “Sure.” He said. 

Blink grinned at him and called Buddy along with him as he walked inside, Elmer followed him, pausing a moment to muster up enough breath to realise what it was that he was actually doing. 

Elmer almost bumped into Blink when he turned to face him as they got to the front door; “Albert said he’s down. We’ll have to walk though because, I didn’t bring the car.” 

From here to the baseball field was about a half an hour walk; Elmer had no trouble waking it before, but now....now he could barely make it all day walking to all of his classes without losing his breath. But he swallowed nervously and nodded, wanting nothing more than to make Blink happy. 

“Nice!” Blink patted him on the back and steered him out of the house, leaving Buddy laying in the corridor and whimpering at the lack of Elmer. 

_____________________________________________

It was hot as the sun beamed down on them, and the baseball field was in sight now, the batting cages closer than the actual field....thank god. 

Blink walked ahead when he saw Albert, clapping him on the back and walking over to the box to let them use one of the batting cages for the day. Albert watched as Elmer walked up to him, more or less dragging his feet.

“What the hell are you doing!?” Albert said, he put a hand on Elmer’s shoulder, bringing his other hand up to steady him because, he looked like he was about to keel over. His face grey with sweat, and his breath shaky.

“M’fine.” Elmer mumbled, trying to walk around Albert but couldn’t.

“Did you walk all the way over here?” Albert asked; “Elmer!” He let Elmer sit down; though he didn’t have a choice when Elmer practically dropped to the floor.

“I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe.” Elmer said under us breath over and over again; panic setting in.

Albert kept him sat up against his chest, his limbs splayed awkwardly; “Hey, it’s alright, try and calm down, okay?” He felt Elmer nod his head, his hair tickling his chin. 

“Okay, it’s gonna he okay.” Albert said as he got his phone out, dialling Racetrack’s number. “Come on, come on, pick up.”

Blink walked back, oblivious to the situation; “come on, we’ve got the cage. What are doing on the floor?”

Albert whipped his head around; “open your fucking eyes, Blink! He’s not well!” 

Blink’s stomach dropped and he walked around, bending down to face Elmer; “El? You alright?” 

Elmer’s eyes were closed, clearly in distress as he clawed at his chest in discomfort, whimpering in what Blink guessed was pain.

“Shit, shit, shit; okay Blink, go and get Coach! Go!” He yelled, apologising to Elmer when he made him jump. Blink hurried off.

“Elmer, listen, listen to me. Is it a panic attack or something else? Come on, work with me here.” Albert asked, Race still wouldn’t pick up. This was one time that he cursed those stupid dance recitals. 

“I thought you were doing better.” He mumbled under his breath.

“Albert, please, please, please....” Elmer wanted this feeling to stop; it felt like his chest was being crushed, each breath aching his throat. He figured it was a panic attack, but it had never been this bad before; he should have paid more attention to his body this morning, knowing that he wasn’t better. He never would be. 

“Is it a panic attack, El?” Albert asked again.

“I don’t know, I don’t know.” Elmer twisted in Albert’s hold, not knowing what to do with himself at all, the feeling overwhelming and his chest actually hurt. Shit, it hurt. 

He didn’t care if he sounded like a little kid right now; “I want Race, Albert please, I want Race”

“I know, I know; I’m trying to ring him.” Albert said, still making sure Elmer stayed firmly against his chest so he wouldn’t hurt himself somehow with all of the distress. He looked up with relief when Blink came over with the Coach of the baseball teams.

“What have you gotten yourself into now, kid?” Coach said as he kneeled down; “put that phone to good use son, and call an ambulance.” He said to Albert.

Albert really didn’t want to do that though because, this surely couldn’t be as bad as it seemed, could it? Elmer was getting better, he had been doing fine. He did as Coach said, hanging up from trying to reach Race for the thousandth time, and rang the right people. He was surprised at himself for how much he actually knew about Elmer’s condition; spewing words quickly and answering question after question. Thankgod he and Race had talked about all sorts of stuff recently, and Davey telling them about what he had read, it had all come to use in this situation. 

Albert felt Elmer stop moving in his arms, his eyes shut tightly and breath shallow, but Coach assures him that he was okay, just tired and resting; but they both knew that Elmer was far from okay right now. Albert felt Elmer fiddle with the bracelet on his wrist, so he took it off and gave it to him, watching his fingers loop around the thread. Calm, stay calm. 

Blink stood back, feeling behind guilty at dragging Elmer all the way out here without making sure he was okay. 

The ambulance pulled up in good time; something about a kid with pump failure getting first priority, heart conditions were funny that way. They assessed him and for him into the back of the ambulance as quickly as possible, Coach going with them and Albert and Blink staying behind to try and get in contact with Race quicker than the doctors would have time to reach his parents.

“What the hell were you thinking!?” Albert yelled at Blink, his phone pressed uselessly against his ear; going to voicemail again and again and again. 

“I don’t know! I already feel bad enough, so fuck off!” Blink snapped back; he was trying to ring Sophia on Messenger, but his data was running low and she wasn’t answering. 

“Okay, we don’t have time for this. Get int he car.” Albert said, and they both got into his car; “The venue Race is at is at least a twenty minute drive, so you keep ringing Race and I’ll drive.” He said.

Blink nodded, taking Albert’s phone and praying to god that Race would pick up soon. It felt like a life time before they got through to anyone, and Blink jumped at the sound of Race’s voice;

“What do you want that’s so important?” Race laughed on the other end, obviously thinking it was Albert.

“Race! Listen, Elmer’s gone to hospital, something happened!” Blink said, not knowing what to say. 

“Blink, is that you? And what do you mean? What happened? Where is he? Is he okay?” Race was shooting questions as him a mile a minute.

“I don’t actually know, but it looked bad; said he couldn’t breathe and that his chest hurt. Just, get your parents and get to the hospital.” Blink said.

“Thanks captain fucking obvious, put Albert on.” Race snapped.

Blink nodded, even though he couldn’t see that, and Albert pulled over, answering all of Race’s questions like his life depended on it; telling a few white lies to try and keep his best friend calm. He put the phone down when Race left, turning to Blink.

“He’s on his way there now; panicking clearly, and his family ain’t doing so hit right now either. You wanna get some coffee?” Albert asked.

“Coffee? Fucking, coffee!? How is that gonna help!” Blink yelled.

“Because there’s nothing else we can do, so we go and drink ‘fucking coffee’ and wait for any news.” Albert said, starting up the car again and leaving no room for argument.

_____________________________________________

It felt like he’d been sat there for hours, his entire life crashing around him. His mom was asleep, her head resting on his dad’s shoulder; Sophia and Maria leaning on his other side. Race kept himself distant, watching his family sleep not so peacefully in the hospital waiting room....all but one. How many times had they been here before? High fevers and broken limbs....more recently though, it was all Elmer. High fevers, vomiting, chest pains....a vicious cycle. 

Racetrack didn’t know what to do with himself. He had called Albert to thank him for helping Elmer out, trying to keep him calm and stuff; and he’d seen Coach earlier, receiving his prayers and waving him off. Race flipped his phone around in his hand, the yellow super-dry jumped resting on a chair next to him. He’d wrap himself up in it, but it wasn’t just Elmer’s-it was obviously Spot’s jumper, and it was a piece of what Spot had shared with Elmer, so he would let it rest beside him until he could give it back to Elmer. The doctor had given him the jumper, saying that in times of stress and the unknown, an item of clothing might help comfort him. 

Race wiped at his face, unlocking his phone and shooting a quick message a certain someone’s way; he needed a friend right now.

It was a little while later when Spot walked through the doors, and Race looked up at him, tuning his ears into the movement of his mount;

“....Racer, is he alright? Race?” 

Race shrugged his shoulders because, he didn’t know. His hair was sticky from sweating from dance earlier, his tap shoes on the floor next to him because, he had taken them off. His chest heaving with anxiousness. “I don’t know.” He said.

Spot nodded, and Race picked up the jumper; “this is yours, right? Elmer was wearing it....” 

Spot took the jumper from him, bringing it up to his face and burying himself in it; the scent of Elmer still there. Sunshine.

“Sit down.” Race said, and Spot did, letting Race lean his head on his shoulder. “Do Jack and Medda know you’re here? We could be waiting a while.”

Spot nodded; “Jack gave me a lift, and Medda sends her ‘best wishes’.” 

Race smiled at that, Medda was great. He sat back up again, “I can’t believe you gave Elmer your jumper, he has so many that he practicality lives in them.” 

“Yeah well, I bet you $10 this is his favourite now.” Spot said, a smug look on his tired face.

“Sure, and I bet you $10 that you’re gonna regret that when he doesn’t let anyone wash it for months because, “it smells like Spot”.” Race quipped back. 

The atmosphere settled into a tense one again, “he’s gonna he okay, right?” Spot asked, a moment of vulnerability showing its face.

Race was surprised at that, he didn’t know Spot that well, but Elmer clearly did so if anything could bring out a softer side of Spot, it was his brother. 

“I don’t know....I just...I don’t know.” Race said.

It was all they had to go on right now, and it would never be enough. 

 


	14. Stop the World, Please. Just this once.

Racetrack had been sat on the same chair for hours, waiting for anything. His mom and dad had gone to talk with the doctor, promising him and his sisters that they’d know something soon; his mom had even hugged Spot, recognising him from that one time he had helped her when Elmer had a bad nose bleed. Her secret being kept under wraps for when Mr Higgins met him. Race thought it was an awkward moment, Spot and his dad’s eyes making contact briefly before he walked down the hall with the doctor.

“Hey, Spot, wake up.” Race said, elbowing Spot who’s mouth had been hanging open with dribble creeping down the edge; the yellow jumper supporting his neck.

“Hm? What is it?” Spot asked, and he sat up to rub at his eyes; noticing the doctor and Mr and Mrs Higgins stood there. 

“Good morning.” The doctor said, his serious tone sending shock waves through Spot. He wasn’t used to these formalities, so he followed Race’s direction of listening intently. 

“As I have explained, Elmer is suffering from heart failure. The medication we have put him on before, we are going to change-help to now increase his heart rate slightly. The pacemaker isn’t doing any good anymore, so we’ve taken that off. For now, it’s only a matter of time that will see of any improvements.” The doctor said. 

Race wrinkled his nose in distaste; it wasn’t Elmer’s usual doctor, he was just one that had been on duty when Elmer had been brought in yesterday, but there was something about him that Racetrack liked;

“So it wasn’t just a panic attack?” He asked. 

The doctor’s eyes flicked upon him; “no son, unfortunately not. Your brother is not well.” He knelt down in front of Race, “we’ve given him plenty of fluids and he’s resting well right now; there’s not much we can do right now I’m afraid. Not until he wakes up so we can monitor the condition more thoroughly.”

Spot nodded his head along with Race’s; catching Sophia and Maria’s eyes from across the hallway. They didn’t know anything yet, deemed to young to shoulder the current burden, but they were listening to Mr and Mrs Higgins tell them something which Spot couldn’t hear....and then he saw them burst into tears, burying their faces in their parents arms. There was clearly something else, something that him and Race had yet to be told; 

“Is he gonna get better?” Race asked, his voice quiet.

The doctor’s face set into a frown as he stood back up; “heart failure is a serious condition, and approximately 90% of people with it as severe as Elmer live around a year, but he’s a strong kid. I don’t want to fill any of you with false hope, but I believe that If we set him on a positive track, he should live a lot healthier and therefore, longer. But as I said, it’s not an easy journey.”

Spot flinched at the statistics; they didn’t sound good at all. He could only imagine what was going through Race’s mind right now. 

“Yeah, yeah ok.” Race sighed, not knowing what else to say. 

Mr and Mrs Higgins thanked the doctor, also shaking Race and Spot’s hand as he left to continue his rounds; it was just an ordinary day for him.

Not long later, an unfamiliar nurse walked down the hall way, “Elmer is awake now, but he still needs his rest, so you can see him for a little while.” She had a sickly sweet smile that made Race’s stomach churn.

Race’s parents and his siblings began to follow the nurse but Race stood back; “I can’t do this.” He said.

Spot looked up at him not knowing what to say because, he kind of felt the same. What state would Elmer be in now? He had been alright the other night, but now he clearly wasn’t. “Come on, he’ll wanna see us.”

Race took a shaky breath and nodded, walking to the room, and he was disappointed to see that Elmer wasn’t really awake, his eyes closed and he would describe it as a peaceful sleep, but the whistling of the nasal cannula ruined the vibe. Mrs Higgins was sat in a chair, her hand was cupping Elmer’s cheek with her thumb running across the skin and shushing him whenever he shifted slightly. Mr Higgins was also sat on a chair, Maria in his lap and Sophia holding his hand beside him.

Spot stood back as Race walked over, curling his hand into a fist and fist-bumping Elmer’s hand which was by his side, unusually still....He was about to leave when Mrs Higgins called him over; 

“Sean, dear; come over here and pray with us.” She said. He knelt down next to Race, shooting him a look.

“My parents are catholic, faith is important to them, especially recently.” Race whispered to him, and Spot nodded, letting his eyes close and his mind clear as he listened to Mrs Higgins speak words of hope and faith. 

It felt like a life time before someone spoke; “We should go and eat.” Mr Higgins said, but he had just noticed the way Race was looking at Elmer. Privacy was good. 

“Spot, would you care to join us?” Mr Higgins asked, but it wasn’t really a request. Spot nodded, laying the yellow jumper at Elmer’s side, and Race let out a wet laugh when Spot just shrugged before he followed the four people out of the room, leaving Race alone.

He pulled up a chair and sat leant over the bed, letting his head gently rest on his brother’s chest; the stuttering rise and fall worrying him. 

“Man, you really scared me this time. You don’t do things by half, huh?”

Of course there was no answer, just the nasal cannula and a slight twitch of fingers; a flicker of eyelids and wincing at the light. Race listened as Elmer mumbled in his sleep....a trait that made him want to cry with relief.

“Race....” Elmer whispered, the unconscious thought drifting into Race’s ears like a sweet lullaby. 

“Yeah man, I’m here.” Race closed his eyes, relaxing at being by his brother’s side. “You know, Spot really likes you. He’s here now actually, that’s a first huh? Most of our friends can escape all of this, we can’t though, but Spot....Spot, he just....he wants to be here for you, El.” 

There was no movement and no more mumbles, just Race’s tears soaking the sheet under him, and his hands scrambling to hold onto Elmer’s.“I don’t understand it, but you’ve gotta get better....I don’t know what I’m gonna do without you, and this is scary shit, man. I need you.” Race sobbed, never showing this side of him to anyone....he needed him. 

He calmed himself down, sitting up and looking Elmer over, his facial expression unchanging. “Just....just wake up soon, yeah? You’ve still gotta beat my high score on Mario Kart.”

God, if only things could just be as simple as that stupid game.

_____________________________________________

Jack really didn’t feel like playing football today. Hearing from Spot that Elmer had been admitted to hospital again, and so soon after the previous time....he had a right to be bummed out and not on his ‘a game’. 

“Hey! Kelly, you coming? We’ve gotta warm up!” One of Jack’s teammates, Danny, walked over the where he was sat in the changing room. 

“I’m not really feeling it today. Elmer, he-“

“Is he alright? Want me to tell the team that you ain’t feeling so hot? We have subs today, so it ain’t a big deal.” Danny said.

“That would be a big help, thanks.” Jack said, and he patted Danny on the back as he left whilst picking up his things. 

He saw David in the corridor guiding people on how to get to the pitch, and he let his head fall onto his shoulder.

“Jack? What’s the matter?” David asked, directing his full attention onto his boyfriend. 

“Elmer ain’t doing so good, Davey. He’s in hospital again.” Jack said, feeling a little better at sharing the weight from his chest. 

David stiffened and he guided Jack into a near by classroom, closing the door and encasing him into a hug; “it’s gonna he okay, alright?”

“It’s bad, Davey, really bad.” Jack let himself crumble this one time; he needed it. “I just wanted us all to hang out today, talk about football and make the pact that we’d all keep in contact through our college....” 

“I like that, and we still will. We don’t need a pact for that. Right now though, we’ve just gotta he there for Race and Elmer....and Spot; whether he’ll accept it or not.” David said; his eyes were wet and Jack looked at him; 

“Yeah.” He said.

_____________________________________________

The day wasn’t necessarily dragging, but having lunch with Elmer and Race’s parents was....eventful? Mr Higgins ha d asked all sorts of questions like, where he came from and how he’d met Elmer. It was like being interrogated or something. 

He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that Race was asleep, clutching Elmer’s hand; but a smile found its way onto his face as he saw Elmer’s eyes open into slits and look around the room with confusion.

“Hey.” Spot said, walking over and wanting to collapsed at the tired smile Elmer gave him.

“Made it.” He said.

“Shut up.” Spot said fondly, he let a hand tangle in his hair, relishing how Elmer leaned into the touch. “How are you feeling?” He asked.

“Tired....really tired. But i think Race has it covered; he’ll totally sleep for both of us so I can talk to you.” Elmer joked.

Spot nodded, sitting down into a chair on the opposite side so he could grip at Elmer’s free hand; tangling his fingers in his.

“This is new. I ain’t ever felt his bad before.” Elmer said. His face twisted into a frown as he tried to get comfortable without waking Racer up. 

“Well, at least you ain’t a robot anymore.” Spot said, motioning to Elmer’s ‘free’ chest; all except for Race’s head laying on him.

“Yeah, but now I sound like a wind turbine everytime I breathe.” Elmer giggled at that, causing Spot to join in. 

“Man....I was gonna ask you to Jack’s football game and everything. If you didn’t wanna go you could have just said. You’re such a drama queen.” Spot said. Elmer squeezed his finger and Spot pretended to yelp pain; Elmer’s hands too weak to do any real damage, even if he wanted to. 

“Serves you right.” Elmer laughed. 

Spot felt a lot calmer; even if Elmer did sound like shit. His voice quiet and draining, the usual bright tone having been replaced. He watched as his eyes shut slowly;

“I don’t wanna sleep....” Elmer said, but a few seconds later he was gone. 

“Sleep well.” Spot said, and he watched the rise and fall of his chest; and he watched as Elmer’s hand reached for the yellow jumper, gripping it. Spot let his hand rest on his and he whispered to no one in particular; “stop the world, please.” 

Just this once, if something could go his way, that would be great. 


	15. a small relapse, or was it always coming?

School was the last place Race wanted to be right now, but he had missed several days, and exam season was two months away, and they were important since they basically determined his future; even if he was going to study dance, he still needed grades.

It was hard to concentrate though, especially when he just wanted to be next to Elmer in that god forsaken hospital room and watch him braid Maria’s hair. She wouldn’t leave him alone and it made Race’s heart ache. If only he could imagine the pain.

“Race!” Albert shouted and he rushed up to his best friend, enveloping him into a hug. 

“Hey, Al....” Race mumbled, he pulled back slightly. 

“How’s El doing? He was crazy to walk all the way to the baseball field the other day, Blink should have known better than to-“

“What are you talking about? What happened that day, Al? He was fine in the morning.” Racetrack needed the whole truth. 

“Well....Blink got Elmer to come along to the batting cages, but he just collapsed and that’s when it all went to shit basically.” Albert explained, shuffling nervously on his feet as people surrounding them in the corridor to get to their classes. 

“I have to go.” Race turned in his heel, pushing through the people and out of the back of the school, where he knew baseball practice was on right now. He spotted Blink and saw red, running up to him and shoving him so hard that he fell onto his back; “What the fuck is your problem!” He yelled.

“What the fuck Race!” Blink said, he got up and dusted himself off, leaving his bat on the ground. 

“You just had to play the ‘best friend’ card and get him to go with you! He was fine that morning, Blink! Fine! And now he’s paying the consequences in a fucking hospital bed, dying!” Racetrack could not keep his cool, no matter how much Elmer would want him to. 

“What? Race, is he okay?” Blink asked.

“No, he’s not fucking okay!” Race breathed heavily, his fist coming up and punching Blink in the face.

“Shit!”

“You’re fucking dead, Blink, dead!” All the pent up anger Race had held back at the hospital was now unleashing itself as he pounced on Blink; Landing punch after punch. The team stood back, not ever having seen Race act this way.

“Hey! Higgins! Hey!” A set of arms wrapped around Race, and he kicked to get free but was held tightly. “That ain’t gonna help nobody.”

Spot. He showed up at the most random of times, but always the right time. Race shoved him away from him and walked off, needing to cool down, and he couldn’t do that around Blink.

“What did you do, eyepatch?” Spot asked, watching how Blink brought his hand up to dab at his bloody nose.

“None of your business, short stack.” Blink said, and he got up and pushed passed Spot and back towards the school.

“Alright, shows over here folks!” Spot shouted and he went in the direction Race had gone in, preparing himself for dealing with one angry brother of the guy he was pretty sure meant the world to him. 

_____________________________________________

Elmer couldn’t get comfortable, there was an ache in his chest that was growing across into a burning sensation, and then back to a dull ache; along with a sharp pain from time to time. 

Mrs Higgins walked in, having just been to the toilet. She had been sat with Elmer all day, and she couldn’t bare to leave him alone. She was glad that work had let her take some days off to hopefully have this whole mess blow over; if only she could hope. 

“How are you feeling, dear?” She asked, letting her hand tangle in Elmer’s hair to soothe him.

“Really, really bad....” Elmer replied because, it was the truth; and he’d get nowhere by lying. 

“Okay, alright, what’s wrong?” Mrs Higgins asked. Elmer shook his head and laid down, his hand fisting at his shirt;

“It just hurts.” He started crying and Mrs Higgins wished she could do anything to take the distress away.

“Alright, baby, I’ll get the doctor, it’ll be okay.” She presses the button that was ok the side; she was thankful they had one of those. 

“Please, please, please!” Elmer was squirming around as much as the wires and things would let him, a painful cough escaping his throat and he tried to sit up again to breathe but he couldn’t.

“El, stay still, honey.” Mrs Higgins said, scared that with all of his thrashing, the nasal cannula would come out. 

The doctor walked in, immediately walking back out briefly to get a colleague, and then they both walked in to assess the situation. 

“O2 stats dropping.” One said, as the other removed the nasal cannula and replaced it with an oxygen mask; that seemed to calm Elmer down slightly as he took calmer breaths; “thats it, nice deep breaths.” 

“Does it hurt?” The other asked, and Elmer nodded with his hand still fisted in his shirt over his chest. “Okay, buddy.” 

He pressed around, cashing Elmer to whimper, his panicking definitely at a ten now. He hadn’t stopped crying and thrashing as much as his body would let him, and he wanted out; it hurt so badly.

“Alright Elmer, we’re gonna give you something to help you sleep, alright? And some meds to help with the pain. Just stay still for me.” The other doctor said, and she got the needle ready, soothing the area of skin in Elmer’s arm and gently inserting it. “It’s okay, see? Not so bad.” 

Elmer nodded, his head moving to the side and his eyes closing; he tried to keep them open, but he was so tired. Mrs Higgins was still holding his hand, but his death grip from earlier lessened, leaving Mrs Higgins to be the one to hang on now. 

“What’s wrong with him?” She asked, not taking her eyes off of her son, and smoothing down the unruly curls that clung to Elmer’s forehead. 

“We’ve been monitoring him closely, and the blood work came back to show that the same virus is still in his system; and because of how weak his body is already, his heart can’t function properly-hence the respiratory distress he’s been experiencing recently. I know this is a lot to take in, Mrs Higgins, but we need to discuss other options with the head of the board, so meetings will be taking place at some point this week.” One of the doctors said.

“Other options?” She asked.

“Options such as a heart transplant; I know it’s not what you wanted to hear, no one does, but it’s what’s best. We don’t know how long Elmer’s heart is going to put up with this virus for, I’m sorry to say.” 

Mrs Higgins nodded her head, feeling hopeless as with what to do. She watched at how Elmer’s chest rose and fell a little too quickly and frequently, the breaths coming harshly. She’d have to talk to her husband and it was already bad enough that they were hanging on a string; but she knew she wouldn’t change it for the world. Adopting Elmer had been one of the greatest decisions of their entire lives; his smile and his laugh....it filled their house with hope and joy. They needed him, so they were willing to do whatever it would take to get him well again. Anything. 

_____________________________________________

“What was that all about?” Spot asked as he jogged to catch up with Racetrack.

“Nothing, go away.” Race said. It wasn’t okay, none of it was. 

“Yeah, alright, sure. So, what happened?” Spot asked again. He wasn’t going to let Race bottle everything up. 

“Just...something Albert said. That Blink got Elmer to go with him to baseball, but obviously Elmer didn’t make it that far.” Race mumbledz

“That dick!” Spot kicked at a pebble on the ground; “I’ll kill him!” 

Race just looked at Spot, realising that he was wearing the yellow jumper he had given to Elmer....he hadn’t noticed him take it from the hospital. “What’s with the jumper?”

Spot looked down; “Nothing.”

“It’s okay that you miss him...i mean, he hasn’t gone anywhere, but he’s different now. I don’t actually know when you’ll see him again.” Racetrack said.

He completely understood how Spot felt, the fact that it was like Elmer was in isolation from the outside world....he didn’t know when Spot and Elmer could talk to each other again because, his parents were around Elmer 24/7 now.

Spot just shrugged; “it’s no big deal, and he ain’t different....he’s still Elmer.” He said, seeming to avoid Race’s accusations of crushes and such things. He was more than happy to admit to Elmer about how he felt, but they hadn’t really talked about it all that much, they just lived in the moment. 

“You really like him, huh? The Spot Conlon is in love with my ever so charming brother.” Racetrack smiled at Spot’s persistent expression to keep a straight face.

“Love is a strong word, Race.” Spot said. “He’s just there, and real, and awesome. And that’s all you’re getting out of me. Tel anyone, and I’ll kill you.”

Race put his hands up in surrender; “okay, okay” he laughed.

_____________________________________________

Spot had cheered him up earlier, sharing the same distaste towards Blink at the moment. But now he was back at the hospital, Race actually missed school. He had thought that he had wanted to stay at the hospital with Elmer, but being here now, he just wanted to be anywhere else.

Elmer’s skin was paler than usual, the lightest of freckles looking dark on his usually tanned skin; the oxygen mask that his mom had told him about was gone now, like most of the wires...except the one that was counting out heart beats. The sound rang in his ears, and he had to shake his head when the dreaded thought of one line flashing across the screen would plague his thoughts. Elmer was obviously asleep, and Race was sat with him once again, noticing the lines etched into his face. A nurse walked in.

“Oh, hey, um...my brother, I think he’s in pain.” Racetrack said. At least, that was the vibe he was getting from the sweat that coated Elmer’s face, the short breaths and the not so relaxed sleeping expression. The nurse picked up the chart.

“I’m sorry, kid, but he can’t have anymore pain medication; he’s had his limit.” The guy said, and he patted Race on the shoulder as he left.

That fucking sucked. Race checked his watch, it was 10pm and he should really have gone home long ago....but he just sat there, knowing that Elmer wouldn’t want to be alone.

“Knock, Knock.”

Racetrack looked towards the door to see Spot standing there in the same yellow jumped as earlier. He watched as he took it off, bunched it up, and put it under Elmer’s head, who seemed to relax slightly.

“Ta da, smells like me.” Spot said, and Race just nodded. “Crazy day huh? I got your text about what your mom told you had happened. He ain’t doing so hot?”

Racetrack shook his head. “They’re gonna have a meeting with some big league doctors, or something; about what the next steps are gonna be.” 

Spot watched as Elmer’s hand moved as he rolled onto side slightly, nuzzling into the jumper. 

“You’re head over heels, Conlon. You can see it in your eyes.” Race said.

“Okay, alright Lionel Richy; I didn’t just come to say ‘hello’. I’m here to swap with you. Go home and get some rest, and I’ll stay with him so he ain’t alone.” Spot said.

Race didn’t want to go, but he figured that if Elmer was awake right now, he’d be practically shoving his ass out of the room. “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Spot wave him off and then took a seat beside the bed, leaning over, his face close to Elmer’s.

“I really, really like you...so please-“ he poked Elmer’s chest gently, letting his hand linger for a few moments “-don’t screw this up.”

And that’s how he fell asleep with his forehead leant against Elmer’s-the entire world in his hands. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a small update; I haven’t felt like writing for a while, so this has helped me get back into the swing of things.  
> Let’s all hope for some regular updates soon :)


	16. Coming to terms with it-in a sense, we were friends once

It had been a few weeks now, and Blink still hadn’t seen Elmer or spoken to him over the phone or anything....he couldn’t bare it. There were too many memories that the whole situation brought up; how his sister had passed away in so much pain, and he hadn’t been able to do a thing about it. And now it was Elmer, his best friend. Well, they were supposed to be best friends, but he hadn’t been very good at that lately either. 

Racetrack had text him several times, the first saying that Elmer was home and doing okay...not better, just ‘okay’-and the others saying to get his ass over to the Higgins’ house to see Elmer....but Blink couldn’t bring himself to. It sounded selfish and stupid, but he wanted to remember Elmer how he had been, and not have it ruined by how everything was now. 

He laughed, a thought coming to his head of when he and Elmer had snuck out when they were younger....leaving trails of youth and good times; Elmer had fallen over and scraped his knee, and Blink had kicked the curb like it had personally offended him. He was supposed to protect his best friend, not distance himself so much that it was like they had never even known each other.

Blink let out a sigh and fell back onto his bed, the dusk light creeping in through his window. His biggest fear engulfed him on a day to day basis because, when he gained enough courage to see Elmer again, would it be too late? 

_____________________________________________

“You want some more water, El?” Race asked as he entered his brother’s bedroom. It was hard these days, since Elmer barely had enough energy to do anything, so he just sat in his room with a pencil and some paper, sometimes solving math problems, sometimes playing naughts and crosses with himself....Race got the sense that he didn’t really want anybody’s company at all, but he had to try.

Elmer shook his head. He just sat there not knowing what to do with himself, his chest fluttering to gain breaths that had the slight opportunity to give him motivation for another day. He felt sick. 

Racetrack sighed and sat next to Elmer. “Do you wanna play a game of cards? Or we could-“

“Just go away please....” Elmer mumbled. He didn’t dare look Race in the eyes, wouldn’t even think about touching him-no hugs or high fives....he couldn’t do that to himself or Race, or anybody. He hadn’t seen Spot for about a week; ignoring any of his calls and messages because, he just didn’t want to face the world after what had happened, and especially what he had put everybody through.

“I can’t just leave you, El. Surely there must be something-“ Race stumbles off of the bed when Elmer shoved him; he was surprised at the strength behind it. 

“I don’t want to do anything, Racer! I just want to sit here and wait for the inevitable and I don’t want you to see me like this! Just go away!” Elmer shouted.

Race swallowed around the anxious lump in his throat, hating how all of this shit had made Elmer angry at the world and everybody around him. He didn’t know what else to do, so he just nodded and left, not wanting to make the situation worse.

Elmer watched as Race left and shut the door behind him, he let out a frustrated growl and threw a pillow at it. What was he supposed to do with himself now? He was being an asshole to everyone, and he knew he had no right to be, but it made him feel in control of something in his life. Like not replying to any bodies messages, and shouting at Race almost everyday....yet he still came back to make sure he was okay. He also knew that he came in when he thought he was asleep....then Elmer would actually fall asleep because, having Racetrack there made him calm and less afraid because he knew he wasn’t facing all of this alone. Sophia and Maria had given up on trying to cheer him up, and he was remorseful that they no longer sought him out for things like hair braids and cool stickers...and math homework. Math was the thing that had brought him and Spot together, and he desperately wanted to see him, but he didn’t want to hurt him.

Suddenly, the one thing that he thought he had has control of was slipping. 

_____________________________________________

“New day! New day! Restart! Restart!” Albert chanted over and over again, nudging Race to make him laugh, not that it actually worked.

“I just don’t know what to do anymore, Al. I mean, I got him to go back to school but any chances of continuing that were ruined....now he just stays in his room.” Race said.

Albert nodded solemnly, not really knowing what to say to that. 

“I know he has a right to be angry at everything, but it’s not like him.” Racetrack shut his locker, looking mournfully at his math text book, his thumb circling over the small ‘loser’ hand sketch in the corner of it that Elmer had drawn after Race had brought Spot over for the first time....and basically forbidden Elmer from ever playing baseball again. All of that seemed so simple now.

They both turned around to see Jack walking towards them, a worried look plaguing his features. “Have you guys seen Spot?”

“No. Shouldn’t you have? You live with him.” Albert said. 

“Yeah but I haven’t seen him all morning and he won’t answer my messages.” Jack looks hopefully at his two friends, sighing when he didn’t revive an answer and carrying on down the hallway.

Albert just shrugged when Race looked at him, not having any ideas on where Spot could be. “You think he’s with El?” 

Racetrack shook his head; “no. They haven’t spoken for a week or so.” 

Albert nodded this time, patting Race on the back before they both set off to class.

_____________________________________________

Blink was hunched over on the field out back of the school. It was quiet as he moped on the grass, rolling a baseball in between his hands.

“Hey, eyepatch.”

He groaned; “what do you want Spot?”

Spot shrugged as he stood with his hands shoved in his pockets; “nothing really, just wondering what you were doing. I saw you from the bleachers acting like a wuss.”

“I’m a wuss? Then what does that make you?” Blink asked. Of course he knew Spot hadn’t seen Elmer for a week. Granted, he hadn’t seen Elmer for longer, but Spot didn’t have a good enough excuse.

“I’m respecting El’s wishes, in a sense. He’s avoiding me, so I won’t push him.” Spot said.

Blink figured it was simple really, that Spot knew his place in these circumstances, so he just let it be. “How are you so good with him?”

Spot sat down on the grass; “it’s easy, Blink. You just have to put him above everything else.”

“But how? He’s so important and that’s why it’s scary.” Blink mumbled.

Spot shrugged again. “You’re talking in riddles. You should go and see him.”

The tone in Spot’s voice made Blink think that there was more to it. “Do you know something I don’t?” He asked.

“No.” But Spot has answered too quickly.

“What is it? Tell me, please.” Blink was desperate now, needing to know everything that he had missed out on for so long. Mush had told him that he’d know eventually, when he was ready; and he was ready now.

Spot took a breath before he spoke. “Race told me everything; how they got word that Elmer needs a heart transplant if he’s got any chance of-“ he was choked up now; “any chance of surviving. It fucking sucks.” 

Blink took the information like a blow to his stomach; “Okay. What does that mean?”

“Do I look like a fucking doctor? What would I know anyway? El just wants to be alone, but...I’m gonna see him tonight, and I think you should see him at some point. He ain’t doing so hot.” Spot said.

Blink nodded, his eyes downcast as he analysed the baseball in his hand. “Give this to him when you see him, I ain’t ready yet.”

Spot took the baseball from Blink, noticing how it had his and Elmer’s initials in it. 

“It’s our first ball we got together when we were kids....saved up for it.” Blink said. He stood up and went to leave, listening to Spot as he did;

“You’re gonna wanna see him sooner rather than later, if you’re scared of what’s gonna happen.” 

Spot was right, and Blink should have seen Elmer whilst he still had the chance, but as he walked back towards the school he couldn’t help but carry on thinking that the choices he was making were right; maybe he and Elmer weren’t as close as they used to be, and he shouldn’t force a practically dead friendship on anyone. Besides, he could deal with the sweet, childhood memories; he’d see Elmer again, just not anytime soon.


	17. I’ll bring the beach to you

It was dark in his room, and Elmer was glad of that. It meant he didn’t have to see anything staring at him in the face; these days, it felt like any piece of furniture in his room had eyes that would glare at him for all the pain he’d caused. It was silly really, but it’s how he felt. 

Elmer rolled over onto his back now, staring up at the ceiling. His phone on his bedside table buzzed, the screen briefly lighting up the space, but he paid no mind to it....he probably should have if the figure looming outside his window was anything to go by.

“You would have thought you’d have your window locked, Elly. Thought you were avoiding a certain someone.”

Elmer jumped at the sound of the new comer. Albert hopped down from the windowsill and waved slightly, grinning when Elmer just stared at him.

“Look, I know you don’t wanna see anybody right now, or ever, for that matter; but it ain’t healthy-“

“Have you seen Spot?” Elmer suddenly asked, and Albert thought about it for a moment.

“Nope.” He said. “Not today.” 

The truth was, Elmer always kept his window unlocked in case Spot came by, it was like some sad Peter Pan story, but there would be nobody to whisk him away from his responsibilities. He really wanted to see him, but he was too stubborn to break the streak of being anti-social. 

“How are you feeling?” Albert sat down on the bed; the clock reading about 11pm....he should be asleep but he had to come round and talk some sense into his friend. 

“Like, really bad....it’s no big deal.” Elmer said. He prepared himself for whatever Albert was about to say, his eyes avoiding contact. 

“You can’t just stay in here all the time, day in and day out, just feeling sorry for yourself! You’ve gotta get up and do something, El!” Albert’s voice was hushed as not to wake anybody, or alert them that he was here. He didn’t want Racetrack to know he was here, basically yelling at his brother.

“I can’t do anything, Albert! I don’t feel good! I’m freakin’ tired all of the time!” Elmer didn’t want to get into anything, he just wanted to be left alone....but if it had been Spot that had climbed through his window, then he wouldn’t have pushed him away. 

Albert sighed and stood up; “just...at least think about it, El....go somewhere, or something. Don’t stay cooped up in here...” the last words died on his lips; the way Elmer’s eyes were sunken and his breaths shallow. It was right seeing him barely living, but it also wasn’t right that he was wasting opportunities. 

Albert left after that, a pat on his shoulder and he was gone. Elmer locked the window after that, realising he didn’t want to face it anymore; he knew Spot wasn’t gonna come anytime soon, which was probably for the best....after all, he’d been the one to avoid him in the first place, he didn’t technically deserve to have Spot....whatever it was that they were.

_____________________________________________

“Jesus Christ!” 

Spot turned around, finding Jack stood in the garage doorway, the light from the kitchen creeping in. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Jack asked.

Spot just shrugged; “getting a blue sheet, what does it look like?” 

“Yeah but why?”

“I haven an idea.” Was all Spot said as he reached up, grabbing the old blue sheet, and a few old yellow pillow cases that Medda kept in case they had guests over. 

Jack stood back as Spot passed him as he walked back into the kitchen; “what’s the idea? It’s almost midnight.” 

“I’m going to El’s, don’t wait up for me.” Spot said.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Jack just let Spot go, a lot easier than the other times he’d snuck out and knew about it. He wasn’t going to stop Spot from seeing the person he’d been talking about for weeks; he wondered what had changed tonight that made him go. 

_____________________________________________

The tree was the same, the roots and the leaves staring him in the face, same with the window. Spot tried to open it, but it had been locked from the inside. Dammit Elmer. He almost turned away but he listened as somebody stumbled towards it, unlocking it, and he was greeted with the biggest, worm out smile he’d ever seen.

Spot easily hopped in, engulfing Elmer in a hug; “you’re such an idiot.” 

Elmer let out a wet snort as he nodded; he felt shaky and clammy-too warm from the current fever, his hair sticking to his forehead. “Thought you wouldn’t show up.”

“Thought you didn’t want me to.” Spot put it simply, but he wasn’t angry; just filled with relief to see that smile again. 

Spot took off his backpack and set it down on the floor, taking out the contents and laying the sheets down.

“What’s all this?” Elmer asked as he leant heavily on his desk, trying to figure out what was happening. 

“Remember when you said you wanted to go to the beach? Well, here it is.” Spot smiled as he laid out the sheets, the tips of them curling up the edge of the desk on one side, and the wardrobe on the other. It wasn’t a huge room, more like a spacious square with just enough sitting space. 

Elmer sat down on the space that Spot patted, leaning heavily into his arms and relaxing. “I love it.” 

Spot was feeling brave, and he kissed Elmer’s forehead, feeling on top of the world right now; his idea had been everything he’d hoped for. The two of them sat on the makeshift beach for what felt like an eternity, the silence surrounding them like they were watching the night clouds role by on an actually beach, the sheet a shade of calming blue; there was no chance of surfing on it today-it wasn’t rough enough. 

“M’really warm....” Elmer said, and he sat up slightly to take off his shirt, then leaned back against Spot. 

Spot could see how his chest was working over time to catch up with the excitement, and he tilted Elmer’s head up and leant down to kiss him, which was eagerly returned. 

“You’re such a sap.” Elmer teased.

“Yeah well, you love it.” Spot wasn’t feeling like his usual self, he just wanted to stay here and take in the moment. It was childish to think that everything would be alright, but what choice did he have? Not everyone had to truly grow up to be mature. 

Their hands linked together, and Spot couldn’t think about anything else but the feeling of it, the utter satisfaction of being able to forget all the bad things that had happened, and just accept what it was for now.

“Wait-“ Spot reached down; “are you wearing dungarees?” 

Elmer laughed and nodded; the dungaree straps having been undone when he took his shirt off. Spot rolled his eyes, letting the strap go and leaned his head back on the bed. The both of them started giggling like they were drunk, the whole situation being ridiculous. Spot toed at the corners of the ‘sea’, listening to Elmer’s breathing even out as he fell asleep.

The door opened and Spot’s hold tightened, loosening when he realised that it was only Racetrack. 

“Oh-I didn’t know you were here. What’s with all this?” Race asked, motioning to the sheets on the floor. 

“It’s the beach....” Elmer mumbled. He sat up slightly, rubbing at his eyes. “You okay?” 

Racetrack sat down in front of them. 

“You’re sat in the sea, man.” Spot said.

Race rolled his eyes, but shuffled around so he was now sat next to Elmer, who moved so he was now leant against him.

“M’sorry I shouted at you....” Elmer said.

“Yeah, I’m sorry I basically made you...” Race said. 

Spot stood up, only to be pulled back down by Elmer; “my two favourite people!” He said, and he hugged them both.

“Are you high?” Spot snorted. Racetrack hit him on the back of the head which caused Elmer to laugh. “Bitch.” Spot said, all in good taste though. 

The three of them sat there enjoying each other’s company, Race being the third wheel to something that he had brought together; and he was smug about it. Now he actually liked math because, it had sparked the start of something that had helped Elmer through a lot of hard times in recent months. Mr Higgins had told him a lot of stuff, about how Elmer was most likely to not get a new heart, and the virus that existed in his brother wouldn’t be kind to him. He hadn’t said it like that, but Race had thought about it that way so he wouldn’t have to face the truth of what his dad was actually telling him. 

It was a little while later, when Elmer had fallen asleep, that Spot got up; “I’m gonna go now-Jack’ll be worried if I don’t get home.”

“Thanks Spot.” Race said; “for everything.”

Spot nodded, knowing that he and Race had argued a lot in the past, but now they had something in common: Elmer. In different ways of course, but it was still the same person that had managed to bring out the best in them. Except, Spot would never have left if he had known that tomorrow would have been forecast for rain....no sunshine in sight. 

 


	18. He had known him

If you had asked him a few months ago, Spot would have said that he’d never be comfortable in his own skin, and that he’d never be able to be the amount of happy he aspired to be. Except now, the things that he feared he’d never be, were the very things that he was; all because of one person; 

Elmer Kasprzak Higgins. 

Spot rolled his eyes at that thought, it sounded so cheesy but he was okay with that. However, he wasn’t okay with the words that kept turning throughout his head, the ones that his mom had told him when he was a kid; ‘you never know what you have until it’s gone.’ 

And Spot Conlon hated that phrase as much as he hated the situation he was in right now.

_____________________________________________

(Two weeks ago)

Racetrack stood up, the yellow and blue sheets still covering Elmer’s floor. He didn’t want to be there when Elmer woke up because, he didn’t want to seem weak. He knew it was stupid but he needed Elmer to know that he was more than capable of looking after himself, and that he could stand up on his own two feet for once without needing to be propped up. It didn’t seem like it to the others, but Race needed Elmer more than he was willing to admit. 

He gave one last look at his brother before leaving the room; the clock reading 3am. 

_____________________________________________

“Blink....”

Blink rolled over in bed, letting Mush wrap his arms around him. 

“Are you alright?” Mush asked.

Blink nodded into his chest; “it’s just the usual stuff. Do you think Elmer hates me?”

Mush was taken back by the vulnerability that encased Blink, so he thought carefully about his words. “No, he definitely doesn’t. I know you haven’t spoken to him for weeks, Blink....probably longer than that; but if you just swallow your pride and go and see him....”

“I can’t, Mush. I keep trying to convince myself, but I can’t do it.” Blink started crying now, his tears soaking Mush’s shirt. He wished he wasn’t so stubborn, and that he has the strength to be as cool about the entire situation as Spot was, but he just couldn’t do it.

“Okay, it’s alright, it’s okay.” Mush said over and over again, listening to the muffled sobs of his boyfriend. It want supposed to be this way, but tonight, Mush could sense that something was off with the world. 

_____________________________________________

After Albert left Elmer’s room, he had decided that it would be best if he wasn’t alone. He had seen the face of somebody who was too tired to keep fighting, and no matter how many times he said how many people needed Elmer, it wouldn’t have any physical effect. He was glad when Race has texted him to say that Spot had come round, and that lifted his spirits in a sense.

“Al? What are you doing here?” Romeo asked, he and Specs turning around on the hood of Specs’ truck to see Albert walking over. 

The car park over looked part of the city, the woods behind them echoing out sounds of birds, and the early morning darkness surrounding them. 

“Nothing...I just didn’t wanna be alone, and I knew you guys would be here.” Albert said. He hopped up onto the hood of the small truck, fist bumping Specs as he got settled.

“Well man, we ain’t gonna turn you away. It’s hard times.” Specs said. 

Romeo placed a hand on Albert’s shoulder, not caring that he knew his and Specs’ secret, but not so secret anymore, hide or spot. It wasn’t much of a hide it spot, it was just a place that they came to relax at when things all got a bit too much, which was a lot more, recently. 

The three of them watched the clouds weave in and out of the stars that hung low in the sky, spanning over the skyline freely. They listened to the birds early morning song, one that they knew Elmer was fond of, but as they kept listening, they realised that the tune stopped suddenly-no more laughter full of life. 

Romeo held Specs’ hand as Albert looked on.

_____________________________________________

Jack had said that he wasn’t going to wait up for Spot, but he did. He would more than likely wait a life time for him to come home, especially since he knew where he had been. Of course he had spoken to David about all of this on a regular basis, and David was so level headed about everything that had happened this past year that Jack looked up to him so much. 

He loved the guy, sure he did, but it was something more with the two of them; and Jack was glad that Spot had found that with someone, even if the world was cruel-it had made him a better person.

“You actually waited up for me?” 

Jack turned around in his desk chair to see Spot stood at his bedroom door. He wiped a hand over his tired eyes.

“Sure I did, what else was I supposed to do?” Jack said, a small smile on his face.

“Yeah well, thanks.” Spot said. He had a nervous look about him, something that Jack didn’t see often.

“What’s up?” Jack asked.

Spot shrugged, looking around Jack’s room a little bit; “it’s nothing, it’s just...”

Jack stood up and walked over to him, “just what?”

“Tonight feels different.” Spot said the words, and Jack listened for a life time because it felt like they were forced into slow motion. 

“Come here, man.” Jack wrapped Spot into a hug that he knew neither of them would ever talk about again, but it was nice to be able to have a close moment where Jack was allowed to do his job as an older brother figure.

He expected them to pull away, but Spot hugged back tighter, and Jack didn’t mention the fact that his shirt was getting wet.

_____________________________________________

The room was silent, light peering in through the haphazardly drawn curtains. Race had slept pretty well last night, only to be rudely awaken by Buddy licking his hand and nuzzling at his face. 

“What? What is it?” He said as he sat up, stroking Buddy’s ears. He frowned as the dog whimpered and tugged at his hoodie sleeve. 

“What is it boy?” Race got up, letting Buddy lead him out of his room and his stomach dipped when he realised they were heading towards Elmer’s room.

Racetrack had shut the door fully for once in his life, feeling that Elmer would be okay for once, but he had been wrong. Buddy pawed at the door, desperately trying to seek an entrance, so Race pushed it open.

Elmer was in the same position he had left him in last night, sat in the makeshift sand with a peaceful expression on his face-but something was different. Buddy rushes over and started sniffing around before he then laid his head on Elmer’s lap, whimpers that sounded like crying reaching Race’s ears.

“Elmer? El?” Race asked as he approached hesitantly. He let a hand rest on his brother’s forehead, tracing down and resting it against his neck.

“Please, please, please.” Race whispered, his eyes closed as he desperately waited for a sign. He would have liked to say that he’d never checked for a pulse before, but ever since Elmer had gotten sick, his anxiety ridden brain had forced him to check for one every night after Elmer had fallen asleep.

When he got no sign that there was a beat, his resolve crumbled and he fell to his knees, grabbed Elmer by the shoulders: “wake up! El! Wake up!” 

His words were broken off into messy sobs, and Race pulled Elmer towards him, the limp body crashing into him as he held him. “Please, El, please. I need you!” By now Race was hyperventilating, his breaths shallow and wet.

“Anthony? What’s wrong?” Mrs Higgins walked in, having heard the commotion from outside, and she feared that what she thought was true. 

“He’s not okay mom! Do something!” Race knew deep down that there was nothing that could be done now, no second chances or take backs....yet here he was, begging for something. Anything. 

It wasn’t long before paramedics arrived, one of them remembering Elmer from a few weeks back. And she cried. Race’s biggest fear had come true, and he hadn’t been prepared because, how could you be? 

_____________________________________________

(Now)

Spot found the beach to be a pretty relaxing place, even if he hadn’t gotten to go there with Elmer. The funeral hadn’t been big, a small thing, Race had said; no big deal. Spot and the others had gone to the service after, giving the family a change to say their goodbyes-and Spot figured he should have been angry that he hadn’t gotten to say goodbye, but he had in a way.

He had spent the last night with Elmer, able to remember the scent and the laugh that constantly rang through his ears. Racetrack had told him that he felt the same, that he couldn’t get the sound of of his head, but neither of them were angry about it because, they needed it. 

Blink hadn’t gone to the service, Spot knew that much. But they had shared a milkshake in their friend’s, and more than friend’s, honour. The vanilla tasting sickly sweet on their tongues, and it had been in complete silence, neither of them having know what to say.

So here Spot was, barefoot in the sand, his trouser bottoms rolled up and hugging his ankles whilst the sea curled up the reach his toes. A sensation that was simple but meant so much-back on that night, he had only imagined what it would feel like and now that he knew, he actually hated it. Elmer would have loved it. 

Spot felt a hand on his shoulder; Racetrack. Everything seemed to be done in silence these days, and that was okay because there was nothing anyone could say that would make it better. The ache was permanent now, and Spot wished everyday that it wasn’t. 

“He loved you, you know? I mean, he never said it, but I could tell.” Race said.

Spot knew that he’d be hearing those words for a long, long time, and it didn’t matter that Elmer never said, because neither had he; but he knew that both of them had meant to, but the time had never been right. 

But everything would be okay because, he had known him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been a pretty long ride, but now it’s done.  
> I’m so glad that everyone who has read has enjoyed it, and the comments have all been kind and constructive  
> Here’s to many more creations! :)


	19. This Is What It Takes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I felt like this fic needed some more closure to deal with and take it all in. Especially after one of my friends asked me for some fluff on Tumblr, after they read it; but I decided to do this instead.  
> The ultimate ending, set a few months after everything, and Spot is still dreaming.

Every time time he closed his eyes, Spot saw him. The sweet smile that he would have been able to spot from a mile away, if the world had been kind enough to give him that chance. But perhaps it was.

Whenever he dreamed, it was of Elmer. For months after the funeral he still dreamt about him, still thought about him every second that he could-he thought about him until he was barely breathing. So every time he slept, his eyes read ‘do not disturb’ in the sense that he needed to dream about him in order to heal.

Dreaming was the extra time needed to get to know Elmer, the time that he’d never been granted. Spot was sure that Race dreamt about his brother, but because the image of him had been imprinted on him since he was little; Spot had barely had a year, and that was why he needed it. 

“I can tell you hate the beach.” 

Spot turned around. Of course he was dreaming, but whenever he heard that voice, he needed to check; patting his dream self down to remind himself that he wasn’t back on the beach where Racetrack had been sure that Elmer loved him. He needed to know.

“Is it because of me?” Elmer asked. His hair was fluffy, and his skin was tan. Like the first day Spot had met him; so at least his dreams were kind to him, and giving him the Elmer that he liked best, the one with strength and ambition, with breaths that flowed through him whenever he so much as spoke. 

“No, I uh...I don’t hate it.” Spot said. He needed to be closer to him, but every time he tried, it was like there was a barrier. 

“You can’t keep coming back.” Elmer said. 

Spot was confused now, he’d always come back. “Well I ain’t leaving.” He said.

That was when Elmer smiled, like he’d been defeated but he knew it wouldn’t have happened any other way. It was the smile that he wore the last time Spot had seen him alive and real, but the smile hadn’t been meant for that moment, it had always been meant for this. Like they were supposed to spend forever together, and Elmer would have given him that smile a lot-like he would have been the husband to do something wrong but Elmer would have agreed, in that goofy way.

“Don’t look at me like that....” Spot said.

“Like what?” Elmer asked. He sat down on the sand, the tide barely reaching him-was he letting Spot sit near him? 

“Just...like that.” Spot said. Now he seemed to have the chance to say anything, but he couldn’t do it. 

“You know, it wasn’t a big deal...well, it wasn’t supposed to be a big deal. I mean, sure, we met and I helped you with math because, you broke into my room.” Elmer huffed out an amused breath at that, and Spot watched as he spoke whilst looking out to sea;

“But I mean, I feel like....I dunno, I just feel like it’s not fair. I never got to know you.”

Spot snapped his attention directly at him now: he had been listening lazily before, like he did in ever other dream because it hadn’t made any difference to how he felt. But what Elmer had just said made this dream different somehow. 

“Say that again.” Spot said. He stepped closer, his breathing giddy when he realised he could this time. He could move closer, like that invisible barrier was no longer there. 

Elmer looked at him, really, truly looked at him. He’d never done that before; not in a dream. In real life, it had happened all of the time, and Spot loved him for it-but now, he loved it even more. 

“I never got to know you, Spot.” Elmer repeated it, and Spot swore he never cried, not really; but his eyes were wet, but a strong smile was set on his face.

“I...you...” Oh god, he was lost for words. It was his dream, and he couldn’t even take control of the right thing. “I’ve spent this entire time, months of my nights trying to get you to look at me like that-like how you used to, and now...I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do?”

Elmer smiled at him again, taking his hand in his and putting it on his chest, and the other resting on his face. “You, Spot Conlon, are a complete big deal. The biggest of deals, and....”

“And?” Spot put his free hand over the one on his cheek, desperately looking into Elmer’s eyes for a sign of what he was going to say. 

The beach was silent, and the waves sounded real this time, like Spot had made it somewhere and he never wanted to leave. This was the dream he had been waiting for, the one that he needed. 

“...And I love you.” Elmer said.

Spot let out a small sob, his face messy but in the way that let him live. The way that meant he could finally do it, because he finally knew what Race had been saying to him all those months ago, on the same beach, even if this was the dream version of it. 

“I love you too.” Spot said it with the most sincerity he could muster, because this felt like the last time all over again, but it was different somehow. 

Elmer just looked at him, his eyes betraying him as he cried as well. Spot leaned forward, kissing him on hands and knees, not caring about the wet tide that seeped through his trousers. This was definitely it, when they touched, the tide began to actually move; working on its own cycle as it now moved like a tide should....definitely the last time. 

“It’s raining.” Elmer said. But Spot couldn’t feel it, and he looked around, and it wasn’t. It was so far from rain that he could actually cry more. He didn’t want to go. 

He woke up. 

The ghost feeling of lips still on his, and he wished he had said more, he wished they could have talked about baseball and stuff-Elmer’s childhood, and maybe Spot would have traded his own stories about his times....but he liked the times he had shared with Elmer a lot more, they were the only ones that counted now.

And it was raining-it was pouring against his window. Ironically, it was also like it had been raining on his cheeks, and he sat up in bed, wiping at his tired eyes, but the same smile was plastered on his face. 

He could still see Elmer’s smile, but it was different now. Different in the best possible way.

He looked up as his door opened. “Bad dream?” Jack asked as he leaned on the door way. 

Spot shook his head. “No, no it wasn’t, and it never will be.” 

Jack looked puzzled for a moment, but he seemed to understand then, like everything would start to feel okay again. “Get some sleep, man.” He said.

Spot watched the rain outside, hearing the door close. Not exactly the best way to wake up if he was being honest because now, he didn’t want the rain to stop, and he didn’t want to sleep in case this feeling faded in the morning. 

He had said that he loved him, and he had said it back. It had taken up until that moment to realise it had all been worth it, and it always would be. 


End file.
